Spoof news snippets from Thursday 4 March 2010

Blackpool "More Cultured Than Paris"

Jolian Mooncalf, 54, of Hassocks in Sussex, failed yesterday to break the record set in 1954 by Boris Morris of Kings Pyland in Devon for the tallest papier mache model of a dwarf.

WI News

Titworth and Bursting

Mrs Clunty's slideshow Hidden Titworth elicited murmurs of approval, but Miss Frappler's talk on Edwardian Sexual Perversions bemused the members. Happily, Mrs Nupper saved the day with her angels on horseback.

Witch Doctor Visit "Not a State Occasion"

Max Clifford, the prominent peddler of idiocies, doesn't think we should pay for the British visit of famous witchdoctor the Mgimbwa of Nubwawa Nubwowo. "Why should we pay for Gimbi-Gombi the sacred monkey and Cecil the wildebeest? Clifford asks.

Religious Leader's Visit "Not a State Visit"

The forthcoming visit to Britain of the Mgimbwa of Nubwawa Nubwowo, the world's foremost witch doctor, ought not to be a state visit funded by taxpayers, according to Vinnie Jones.

Swinging Sixties a Myth

The Swinging Sixties never took place, argued Littlehampton idiot Tim Bergh in a letter to The People's Friend yesterday. "The nearest we got to a swing was a rope hanging from a tree."

Milk of Magnesia Makes a Comeback

Jolian Mooncalf, 61, of Hassocks in Sussex, failed yesterday in an attempt to cross Lake Baikal in a coracle. Six miles in, the caulking of the Manx Wicker Bowl Coracle began to disperse, and the coracle to take on water.

Fur Trapper "Hornswaggled" Again

Fur trapper Wilberforce Eelkettle, 82, was hornswaggled again yesterday, when he discovered a gang of skinheads canoodling outside his cabin. He'd paid for a pile of fresh skins.

Fur Trapper "Hornswaggled"

Fur trapper Wilberforce Eelkettle, 77, was hornswaggled yesterday when he was in receipt of a pile of young trees. He'd paid for "a mess of furs".

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter

Yes, we say we know what a tree is. But do we, do we truly? Can we ever know the tree in itself? Can we know what the tree is behind our sensory and mental perceptions of it?

Ponder Awhile

with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter

Envision a garden, with great perfumed creamy-petalled rhododendrons. There are shivering silver shrubs. If no-one is there to perceive it, does it exist? If so, how?

Yours For Only A Quarter # 19

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "Smiley's Pickle"

Yours For Only A Quarter #18

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Innocence Of Finger Brown"

Yours For Only A Quarter #17

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "Porky Park"

Yours For Only A Quarter #16

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Nine Sailors"

Yours For Only A Quarter #15

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "Rumpole Of The Stiltskin"

Yours For Only A Quarter #14

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Day Of The Jackass"

Yours For A Quarter #13

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Silence Of The Clams"

Yours For A Quarter #12

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Postman Always Comes Twice"

Yours For A Quarter #11

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Long Goober"

Yours For a Quarter #10

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "And Then There were Nuns"

Yours For A Quarter #9

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Big Sheep"

Yours For A Quarter #8

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Spy Who Came In Wearing Nothing But An Old Trench Coat"

Yours For A Quarter #7

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Complete Sherlock Homies"

Yours For A Quarter #6

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "N Is For Nutsack!"

Yours For A Quarter #5

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Hardly Boys In Never Neverland Again, No Never Ever!"

Yours For A Quarter #4

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "Who Killed Angela Lansbury, The Old Snoop?"

Yours For A Quarter #3

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Anthrax-Dusted Library Mystery Book".

Available For A Quarter #2

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: "The Deadly Methane Murders, Silent But Deadly"

Yours For A Quarter

The Little Rock, Arkansas public library is removing seldom checked out mysteries to make room for new ones. Among those removed: 'Murder At The Butler's Training School.'

But Will Lower Prices

Wendy's to possibly remove onion and tomato from burgers because of new e-coli scare. Also meat.

It's All In The Timing!

Iran to allow in U.N. Nuclear Inspectors, just before next Israeli bombing!

Look, I'm Lying Down!

Former President Bill Clinton promises Hillary he will keep his mouth shut and his pants zipped until full rest from heart problems.

250 Rows Of Pole Beans!

According to aids, New York City Mayor Bloomberg is making emergency plans of using Central Park for the world's biggest garden.

"Life on Other Planets Statistically Inevitable" say Experts

Cowell asserts rights to "Intergalactic Idol", "Aliens got Talent" formats.

Twitter Improving: Now Largely "Inane Drivel"

Dumbing-up likely to be short term blip, will be back to "banal shit" by end March.

Canadian Warship Runs Aground

"Who in the hell let Canada have a navy?" - US spokesman

Distracked For Five Minutes

Revealed at last: Gate crashers made it into White House dinner because of emergency when VP Joe Biden swallowed a silver napkin ring.

Enough Is Enough

Football widow finally sues for divorce after making big dinner which husband cheers, jumps up and pours Gatorade over her head.

Yep, He'll Win It This Time

New Ralph Nader commercial for 2012 presidential campaign: "Think: Al Gore Without The Charisma!"

No More Star Interviews

Barbara Walters says she will do no more star interviews. "I've been to my last rehab and had my last pair of shoes puked on!"

UPS & FEDEX to Merge !

Due to dwindling market share & plummeting morale amongst the staff, UPS & Fedex are planning to merge.

They'll relaunch soon after the consolidation period with their new Company, "FEDUP".

Hollands Geert Wilders is not a Nazi, he just loves Dutch cheese!

Contrary to what everybody thinks, Geert Wilders is not a NAZI, he just loves everything Dutch, cheese, tulips, windmills and weed smoking and hates Kebabs, nothing wrong with that list!

UhOh! Let's Forget It!

Those people who have been searching diligently for the real birth certificate of Barack Obama have stopped. Someone told them that Joe Biden would become President, followed by Nancy Pelosi.

More Mozart

Still another short piece from Mozart found today in old house's attic. Amazingly, this one called for a duet with Cher.

"Bring Me Some Cookies, Girly!"

The North Korean government has lashed out at Hillary once again, saying she looks like a school girl. "Actually it's a compliment", she stated today. "Plus Bill has to take it easy with bad heart."

Turn About

Citizens of Russia say that while Sarah Plain could see them from her house in Alaska, they could hear her and daughter arguing over pregnancy several nights a week.

Best Salesman Ever

Bernie Madoff in prison in Atlanta makes 20 cents an hour cleaning commodes. However, he has made a small fortune so far by selling the guards and other inmates, turds.

Everybody Must Get Stoned!

The federal government said oday that there is so much marijuana growing in public lands that everyone standing around "Old Faithful" when she erupts, gets stoned.

Sex scandal in India, Holyman does a "John Terry"!

A Sex scandal in India caused by Holyman, Nithyananda Swami, has rocked the establishment because many of his clients are top politicians searching for peace, inner sanctuary and a HORNY night out!

Iran

"With 50% of your nukes, we demand 50% of your bomber fleet"; Obama: "Give in to their demands, I'm too busy with the other 'nuke option': ramming health care through the Senate.

Had Enough

Bricks on the wall of Senate tell President that they're tired of hearing about the health care bill.

Some Return Once A Year

Betty Ford graduates 15 more as the total now over 10,000 visitors...that's going against the grain.

Michelle's Mother, Girls Sent To See Movie

President Obama says that first lady Michelle is doing so well on weight loss program that she's fit to be tied. "No beer conference tonight, guys!"

Al Gore Cracks

Al Gore cracks completely! Tipper: I always told him not to be so rigid, except when...you know!"

Or Possibly, Not!

Owner of land that rents space in Montana for yearly gun show admits that Iran may have bought a nuclear weapon there.

That axe we are grinding

Subo fans that axe you are grinding is now razor sharp

How's That Again?

Undecideds in Senate and House ask Obama to tell them one more time about health bill. Admit they had grown weary of it over the past year and quit listening 9 months ago.

Not Making Progress

One in five primary school children 'not making progress' in sums and grammers.

London to Host Europe's First Tejano Music Festival

"Pablo, Pablo, y Chuy" will perform their international hit singles "Solamente Un Chuy En El Mundo" and "Chi Chis Grandes" (Mark it on your calendar).

London to Host Europe's First Tejano Music Festival

The Frito Bandito, The Taco Bell Chihuahua, Speedy Gonzalez, and the Cisco Kid not expected to perform.

London to Host Europe's First Tejano Music Festival

Animal act "Pablo Y Los Monos" will not feature Mickey, Peter, Mike, or Davy.

London to Host Europe's First Tejano Music Festival

Vendors selling refreshments are told "hot tamales aren't really cinnamon candies."

London to Host Europe's First Tejano Music Festival

"Chuy Y Mis Otros," a one man band, will headline the first night.

Taylor Swift Rumored To Play Supergirl In New Movie

Asks "can we change the costume colors? Blue and red make me look flat chested." Maybe because you are?

Taylor Swift Rumored To Play Supergirl In New Movie

She wanted the role because of the giant "S" on her chest, thinking it stands for "Swift"

Taylor Swift Rumored To Play Supergirl In New Movie

Previous Supergirl Actress Helen Slater (1984 film) gives advice "Don't forget your panties during the flying scenes."

Taylor Swift Rumored To Play Supergirl In New Movie

Fortunately, there's no requirement for her to have any acting talent (as there never is much in Super Hero movies).

Taylor Swift Rumored To Play Supergirl In New Movie

Will Wonder Woman loan the flat chested singer a Wonderbra?

Which bits were dangling

Re:Car crash where ordinary man was left dangling out of his vehicle. Female readers, and some male readers, are demanding to know which 'bits' were dangling and what is the location of the crash.

Put That Down!

Pupils aged 5 on hate register: Teachers must log playground taunts for Gov. database. Parents combat by telling their children to tell teacher, "I hate everybody & everything in the whole world!"

The Little Stinker

Manager sprayed air freshener at me after I started breast-feeding in his charity shop. "It was going right out the other end of the baby", states manager.

We Are In Control

Second child directs planes from JFK control tower after her father lets her have a turn. "Our security is top notch", said Obama last month.

Pilot Arrested

Pilot 'with fake licence' is arrested as he prepares to take off with 101 people in cardboard plane. "Knew it was too cheap", says passenger.

How to be Politically Correct 9

Do not say "Yankee."

Say "American of Northern Decent/American."

How to be Politically Correct 8

Do not say "Dentist."

Say "Orally occupied medical practitioner."

The Game Of Risk

Audio indicates kid directed planes at NY airport. Obama admits he allowed girls to play "Hide The Red Button" at White House.

Undercovery Ready

Space shuttle Undercovery transported to launch pad. Thus far, those aboard keeping identity secret.

Recovery Ready

Space shuttle Recovery transported to launch pad. Thus far, no astronauts have volunteered for new shuttle.

'Also Rain Forest?'

Scientists catalog zoo of bacteria inside our guts, whole Amazon in Kirstie Alleys.

Turns out

James Bulger killer had an identical twin

Zoo In Our Guts

Scientists catalog zoo of bacteria inside our guts. Told by everyone, "That's OK, we don't need to know before breakfast."

"She'll Be Coming around Mars Again When She Comes!"

Scientists wowed by Mars orbiter performance as it not only sends back information, it sings it!

Gladly Pay You Tuesday

Clinton to meet with Latin American officials. Hit them up for a few bucks for new US programs.

US Borrows More Money

House to vote on tax breaks for new hires as new loans come in from China.

RFK Son Blames Police

Son of RFK criticizes LAPD in LA Times article. "Shouldn't have allowed that bigger crowd to see dad making speech."

No Means No!

No is no: More men file sexual harassment claims. Larry Craig in trouble again.

Wave Ordeal Terrifying!

Passenger on cruise ship: Wave ordeal terrifying. "But I kept my head, lost some urine."

Obama

Martian or Alien from Mars?

Queen Unearthed Brings Usual Curse

Burial chamber of ancient Egyptian queen unearthed. Families of those volunteers for curse are compensated.

"Three men arrested over terrorist funding"

Arrests took place in the White House.

Recycling Metal, Workers

Recycling companies expected to create 50 new jobs. Plan to recycle workers laid off earlier.

Never Croaked After All

'Extinct' Aussie frog rediscovered. Offered job at Warner Brothers, free coat, top hat and cane.

Man skied off the roof of his house to land in the lap of the 'girl next door' (gnd)

who promptly cuts his 'tentacles' off with her bowie knife; said gnd: "He did it on purpose."

Extinct Aussie Frog Rediscovered

'Extinct' Aussie frog rediscovered. Guy at bar says it sings "Hello My Baby!" but only for him.

Prostate Tests Doubted

Cancer society casts more doubt on prostate tests. "More of a pain in the ass", says leading doctor.

Eqypian Unearthed

Burial chamber of ancient Egyptian queen unearthed. Still looks fabulous, according to archaeologists.

NW US Could Have Megaquake

Northwest at risk of megaquake like one in Chile. Washington, Oregon ask that Kirstie Alley be banned from area.

US Could Have Megaquake!

Northwest United States at risk of megaquake like one in Chile. Plans to direct Tsunami towards North Korea.

Competers Infected

Authorities bust three in infection of 13 Million home competers.yuk yuk yuk!

Didn't Get Enough Last Night

Chile Earthquake May Have Shortened Days on Earth, also nights, say sleepy (hungover) drivers on way to work.

Chile Earthquake Shortened Days

Chile Earthquake May Have Shortened Days on Earth! Bills must be paid two seconds earlier than normal.

Toyota Not Fixed

Drivers complain that Toyota's fixes didn't work. "Put a taped down slinky under gas pedal"

Toyoata Recall Not Working

Drivers complain that Toyota's fixes didn't work. "Driver claims they sent him to vet for fix."

Fix Not Helping

Drivers complain that Toyota's fixes didn't work. "Took top of head off. Brain hurts! Toto car fine now. Me not so!"

Fix Not Working

Drivers complain that Toyota's fixes didn't work. "Never touched car but gave me tranquilizers."

Fixes Not Working

Drivers complain that Toyota's fixes didn't work. "They put a sponge under the brake pedal."

Toyotas Not Fixed

Drivers complain that Toyota's fixes didn't work. "I hit my driveway at 100MPH", states one coming back from garage.

Congress To Pass Brick?

Some Dems are wary of Obama's final health push. Especially since nobody can remember what is in it and left out anymore.

Spoof Writer to come clean

Lady Godiva to have hair cut. This will of course 'out' her. Quote:Now I'll be able to get into my straight jacket more easily at night.I'll donate my hair to bald writers of The Spoof even the women.

Philbert of Macadamia to enter Priory

Philbert of Macadamia to enter Prirory clinic as a result of him being totally nuts. Lady Godiva is paying for his stay with the money she makes writing for The Spoof.

Word spelled wrong in dictionaries.

Do you know there is a word spelled wrong in the dictionary? It is spelled wrong in every dictionary that I have looked at, even Wikipedia.

Celebituaries: Sick Foot under

Veteran politician, orator and former Labour Party leader Michael Foot has died at 96 after a long illness. Socialism in mainstream British politics pre-deceased him by over 13 years. Both are missed.

Regular Person Involved in Traffic Accident, No One Concerned

The media had arrived to cover the accident after being told that there might have been a famous person involved. Once the media saw that it was a regular guy dangling out of the vehicle, they left.

Hybrid Toyota Powered by Baby Seals Causing Controversy

A new Toyota hybrid powered by baby seal meat and painted with bald eagle blood is causing more controversy for the troubled Toyota brand.

America's lack of guns prompts "GunVend" vending machines

Find yourself downtown and forgot your gun? Now you can drop a few bucks in a nearby "GunVend" and grab a pistol of your choice to go. Already loaded!

Another Toyota Problem Surfaces

The National Transportation Safety Board alleges that the back seat of a Toyota Prius causes people to contract sexually transmitted diseases or get pregnant!

They Walk Among Us

Liberal left loons chastised Pres. Obama for appointing experts to a Pentagon/Defense Oversight Panel having ties to the defense industry. The president said "you want me to appoint chicken farmers?"

Professional Protesters Wanted

Applicants must have an electronic sign that can be reprogrammed in minutes for right or left wing causes and soft comfortable shoes. Lots of travel & hazardous duty pay (tomatoes & rotten fruit).

Porcupine Pot Roast Pervades the Provinces

Dr. Pi of the Daniel Boon School of Medicine has stated "eat a Porcupine a day to cure all ills & reduce health care costs." Seeing left wing liberal vegetarians search meat counters was fascinating.

First Election 2010 Yard Sign Spotted

California No-Cussing Day

The winner of the California no-cussing day contest was "you anile, bedlamite, dandiprat, galoot are only capable of cohabitating with a wallydrag zingaro wench!"

A States Distracted Driving Solution

Distracted driving is defined as being drunk, texting, using a cell phone or having squirrels run across the road. The department of natural resources is shooting the squirrels! PETA had a hissy-fit.

Some People are More Equal than Others

Have you noticed that when government intrudes on the American people's lives on behalf of a Democratic left wing cause, the ACLU is absent to fight for Privacy Rights!

More Regulation and More Spending

The Democratic far left wing has adopted "More Regulation and More Spending" as their theme song, sung to the tune of 100 bottles of beer on the wall!

Ladies Day, November 2010

Ladies have you noticed Dem. left big spenders are trying to shove their health care bill up your wazu, while Rep. right fiscal conservatives are trying to take over your vagina? Vote them both out!

Environmentalists Finally get Their Hands Dirty

Where chickens are raised environmentalists complain about waste runoff. An agreement with the EPA requires environmentalists to take home buckets of chicken poop daily & dump them in their outhouses.

President Hauled Away

Out came the white jackets and sob stories in Obama's speech on health care. Then they took him away, crying. Joe Biden sworn in while dancing. Judge Roberts blows wording once again.

"Maybe It Said 'Global Worming"

New Gallup Poll says the whole country is polarized. Al Gore back to his calculator, Ouija Board.

Black-eyed Peas named favorite singing vegetable group

Moving in from the side of the plate with the squash, the music group has come 'center stage'.

"Musht Bee In 3D"

Drunk in Maggoty, Arkansas picks up taser by mistake to change channel on giant TV screen.

Sounds Like A Donald Westlake Mystery

Whole group of identity theft ring found in East River after they apparently stole identities of those under witness protection against the mob.

Nation's chickens tired of being afraid all the time

"What came first? 'Fear', or being called a 'chicken'? It's tough to live the age old moniker down, some of us are quite brave." say country's fowl.

Experts agree: 1 out of 10 Americans not obese enough!

President Obama has named an emergency feeding campaign czar to look into the problem. French fries trucks scouring country searching for last of the too thin people.

Never Thought Those 5 Would Ever Agree

Kirstie Alley, Michael Moore, Rosie O'Donnell, Aretha Franklin & Rush Limbaugh threaten to create the "Mother Of All Tsunami's" with belly burner dive unless all fat jokes are dropped immediately!

Gays Given OK!

American commander in Afghanistan say that gay troops make fabulous soldiers.

GOP All Choked Up!

Republicans in Congress, Senate say that Obama Care would be a bitter suppository to swallow.

Just Same Sex

Same sex marriages approved in DC. However, same species called for after Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi show up.

Hyphenated names can be funny.

Working in an area where many Mennonites live, a colleague told me that when they marry many hyphenate their family names. Anna Harder married Peter Dyck (pronounced Dick)and is now Mrs.Harder Dyck.

Rock & Roll Museum Addition #39

The R&R Hall of Fame and Museum has fascinating relics like M. Jackson's "Thriller" mask. Soon it'll have space to showcase less flashy artifacts, like The Animal's "Suitcase & A Trunk".

Rock & Roll Museum Addition #38

The R&R Hall of Fame and Museum has fascinating relics like M. Jackson's "Thriller" mask. Soon it'll have space to showcase less flashy artifacts, like Johnny Cash's Bar of Soap from Folsom Prison.

Rock & Roll Museum Adds More Space #37

The R&R Hall of Fame and Museum has fascinating relics like M. Jackson's "Thriller" mask. Soon it'll have space to showcase less flashy artifacts like Van The Man Morrison's girlfriend's "Blue Money".

New Addition To Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame #36

The R&R Hall of Fame and Museum has fascinating relics like M. Jackson's "Thriller" mask. Soon it'll have space to showcase less flashy artifacts, like Booker T & The MG's "Green Onions".

Rock & Roll Museum Expansion #35

The R&R Hall of Fame and Museum has fascinating relics like M. Jackson's "Thriller" mask. Soon it'll have space to showcase less flashy artifacts, like a "Watchtower" Magazine from Jimi Hendrix.