Your New Chinese Neighbors
With the plunging of real estate prices plunging, China purchasing more property in the US. The Plan: If they purchase enough property they will never bomb it.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Who Do I See Around Here About:
#8 Getting up on the right side of the bed?
written by Charpa93, 30 March 2010
Some Progress in Iraq
Although there haven't been nearly as many suicide bombers over the past six months, Iraqi leaders still say that things there are a little "dicey".
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Named Them Beep, Beep Beep & Beep, Beep ,beep!
World's Oldest Woman becomes the world's oldest woman to give birth to triplets.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Fill A Buster Time
Republicans in Massachusetts cannot stop same sex marriages, now stall bill on same-sex bridal showers, honeymoons.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lohan Dating Anything In Pants
SpongeBob Squarepants himself spotted with Lindsay Lohan at Big & Square Store. "Ohhh, does he give baths", sighs Lohan to reporters.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
New Sing Sing Museum
New Museum proposed at Sing Sing Prison will feature children's swings on rebuilt scaffolding.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #10
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "The Emperor's Ho's"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #9
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "The Elvis & The Shoemaker"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #8
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "The Holdin' Ass"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #7
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "Cindyfellow"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #6
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "A Christmas Barrel"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #5
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "The Enchanted Tubesteak"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #4
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "Beatty & The Cajun Beasts"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #3
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "The Bareskin"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lesser Known Fairy Tales
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "Goldilocks & The Three Beers"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lesser Known Fairy Tales
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "OJ & The Forty Thieves"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Battle
Teacher: "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden slain?"
Pupil: "I'm pretty sure it was the last one."
written by Spicewood, 30 March 2010
Makes Sense
Shortly after Thanksgiving someone asked littly Johnny to define the word appetite. He replied,
"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're tight-that's appetite!"
written by Spicewood, 30 March 2010
Man sentenced to nine months for having 2 wives
A Welshman was sentenced to nine months in prison for having 2 wives. He believes that the sentence is 'excessively harsh' because he now has to put up with 2 mother-in-laws.
written by IN SEINE, 30 March 2010
Cracks appear in Google China
Internet search engine giant, Google are considering replacing their china with Tupperware after cracks appeared in it today.
written by IN SEINE, 30 March 2010
Let My Pupils Go
Biggel & Tinker's Circus are making Pyjamas, the "Clothes-Horse", who has entertained children for half a century, redundant. Pyjamasis no longer relevant, said circus owner Billy Biggel. "Nobody knows what a clothes-horse is any more."
written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2010
Time is an Antelope
For Aries, an episode of yearning, possibly involving pumpkins, is indicated. Sagittarians are advised to buy cod rather than sell it. If you are a Libran who owns a posset-pot, don't let a Singalese Chef breathe on it.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2010
Toyota Excuses!
Police across the country are reporting that Toyota drivers now think they have a free pass to drive really fast. "It ron away wiff me, Occifer. Got mi drunked moved sho fast."
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Fashion Tips
Don't forget to remember that you should forget about not having to recall last night's insults. This is not the time to put away misgivings and regrets: they still have their uses.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2010
Teacher Drunk
Report from a teacher in southern California said that she was so drunk, she forgot which student she was dating.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Is Rush Back on the Pills?
During one of his rants on the radio last week, Rush Limbaugh cried out "Lederhosen," then fell into a heap on the floor.
written by Charpa93, 30 March 2010
Who Do I See Around Here About:
#6 About re-upping my lease on life?
written by Charpa93, 30 March 2010
Chimneys Back in Fashion
In the Memorial Collection of Herge Dumpfelmaus, the late avant-garde craft manual author, are: The Waterproofing of Sheep, Eel Training for Beginners and Look at Them Go: A Love Affair with Granite Erratics.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2010
Sheep Trade Slow
Let us not forget the late lamented Percy Flage, inventor of the disposable kettle, transparent paint for glass, the direction indicator light for Bishops, miniature walls for dwarfs, and concentrated mineral water.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2010
WI News
Canterford with Lully welcomed Mayor of Canterford Abelard Siskin, who gave a talk on the new Erskine Memorial Gardens and explained that nobody has yet found out who Erskine was. Mrs Bungo's rhubarb and nitrogen cordial woke everyone up.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2010
Ponder Awhile
with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
Easter - Last year I spent 5 hours in a shop failing to choose a new armchair. It was a real Easter Seater Teaser. Anagrams can be so instructive. They image reality's reflexiveness.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2010
Obscurantism Rife in Norway
The audience at Silent Bugler Adelbert Greubelberger's Oslo performance of Bach Preludes were generally baffled. When Greubelberger stormed off, some continued to listen hard, thinking it was part of the performance.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2010
Need To See A Surgeon!
Chaz Bono is asking a judge to formally change his name and gender. Judge grants name change but says changing his sex is out of his line of work.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Gore In NYC
Al Gore on visit to New York City to address the UN on global warming, water-ballooned! Now claims the sky is falling.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Something To Call Home About
Hillbillies from Louisiana catch little green men out from saucer, nearly probe them to death.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
US Population Growth
Early census reports that the United states has grown 15% since 2000 census. Same number of people, but they are 15% bigger.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Adopted Highway Too Much For Couple
Arkansas couple who had adopted state highway section say they are giving it up. "We told it last night to go it's own way."
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Back To Normal
Palestinians and Israelis back on familiar war footing. "The kids get really bored throwing rocks at cats all day."
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #39
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Bedknobs, Broomsticks & Bananas"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #38
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Shaft"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #37
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Invasion Of The Booty Snatchers"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #36
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Blondhi"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #35
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Naked Buns"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #34
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Feel Dill!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #33
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Big!.....Bigger Still!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #32
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Fanny Pawed"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #31
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Face Balls"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #30
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Lord Of The Dings!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #29
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Blazing Paddles"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #28
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Rear Hunter".
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Who Do I See Around Here About:
#4 Complaints about the liver-only option for lunch on Tuesdays?
written by Charpa93, 30 March 2010
Who is GAY, Latin crap pop singer, "SO WHAT" say's Boy George !
A Latino heart-throb has come out and Boy George knew all the time, in fact George admitted, "he's got great buttocks and I should know, Ducky?!
written by unknown
Who Do I See Around Here About:
#2 Getting my panties OUT of a bunch?
written by Charpa93, 30 March 2010
Sir Alex promise to pull the Bayern players"Lederhosens" down and smack their bums!
So convinced of a result against Bayern, Sir Alex has decided to annoy them even more by promising to pull down the LEDERHOSENS of their players and smack their bums, an ancient Bavarian tradition
written by unknown
Cops Let Suspect Stew
Local police have allowed suspected shoplifter Norbert Hollingsworth enter a cooking competition.
written by unknown
Local Man Cracks His Nuts
Local man Billy Turnip fell off a ladder onto his prize-winning collection of walnuts.
He also dislocated his testicles.
written by unknown
Local Police Chief Gets Hard On Crime
Commissioner Gordon has admitted that he has an erection every time he reads about petty thefts and burglaries.
"Its true. I'm a very naughty boy!", he said.
written by unknown
Local Man Cheats Death
Local man Tom Brumbles has been accused of conning the Grim Reaper out of his pocket money.
"He told me my fly was open and when I looked down he made off with the money I intended to buy sweets with", sobbed Mr. Death.
written by unknown
Page 4,880
New health care program apparently includes the right to call President Obama an *********!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Whoops
"I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?"
Companion, "I can easily find out by asking her, she's my wife."
written by Spicewood, 30 March 2010
Vermont
The people live long lives in Vermont.
There are two men there so old that they have forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive who can remember it for them.
written by Spicewood, 30 March 2010
An Opinion
A tipsy Irishman, leaning against a lamp post as a funeral was passing by, was asked by a passerby, "who was dead."
"I can't exactly say, sir," came the reply, "but I presume it's the gentleman in the coffin."
written by Spicewood, 30 March 2010
Racing News
The only pet-like objet kept by Peter Cushing, the late actor, was what he called " my imagined mulatto". He never told anyone where he kept it and it was never discovered after he died. The search goes on.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2010
Craze Sweeps Celebrity-Land
...and David Dickinson has an imaginary flock of Jacob's Sheep in his medicine cabinet. Former child soprano Aled Jones keeps a phantom sloth lemur in his escritoire.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2010
Tulips From Amsterdam
Dr Frankenstein smiled as he witnessed the wedding of his monster and bride of Frankenstein. "They were made for each other", he sighed.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2010
Bidder Had The Munchies
Grilled cheese sandwich with the image of former president, George Bush, sells on eBay for $4.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
US, NATO, Russia Aim 2,000 Nuclear Warheads
NASA informs Pentagon to go to red alert as asteroid seen hiding behind the moon. Experts believe that pissed off Pluto helped hide it earlier.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Amazing Facts!
A new $500,000 study says that there are more people using the internet than at any time in recorded history.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Nigerian Charities Up
Record donations have been reported by Nigerian charities, especially, "Help The Nigerian Make A Million".
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
It's All In The Game
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke stated this morning that he's seeing an upswing in the economy. However, he also stated that he had forgotten to keep his head down and sliced to the right.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #27
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Manchurian Bedmate"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #26
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Sixth Gent!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #25
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "There Will Be Mud!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
US President Orders NASA to improve Japanese products
Said Obama aide: "We want everyone to drive reliable hybrid cars". No mention of American hybrid cars.
written by Tcoah, 30 March 2010
Scientists discover that elephants use all four of their legs
"Just like a human but with four legs." Cost of this research 'finding'? "An arm and a leg".
written by Tcoah, 30 March 2010
Farewell to the Arctic bluebottle
April Fools Day = Adios Polar Fly
written by queen mudder, 30 March 2010
French Style?
Obama to woo Sarkozy with 'intimate' dinner, 21 female aids to serve, as pair prepare for showdown over Afghanistan.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Pupils Get Home Laptops
School becomes first to hand every single pupil a laptop to use in lessons and at home to download porn.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Unfair Laws!
Christian nurse 'ordered to remove crucifix... at hospital where Muslims were allowed to wear headscarves', Trekkies wear false Vulcan ears!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Can't Afford To Die?
Parties clash over Labour's 'train crash' reforms to social care as health secretary kills off death tax. "Those who couldn't afford to die would fill up the hospitals", says secretary.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Pedaling Posties To End
The end of the pedaling postie: Health and safety fears lead to phasing out of bikes as 50% now only have one ball.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Betting on American Idol accumulator
April Fools Day = Parlays of Idol
written by queen mudder, 30 March 2010
Everybody's Losing It
A pet shop owner has been ordered to wear an electronic tag for selling a goldfish to a 14-year-old boy. Police now looking into 'sea monkeys' case.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Just what the Spoof doctor ordered...
April Fools Day = Salad If Poorly
written by queen mudder, 30 March 2010
Police Tickled Pink!
'Super-Taser' shotgun bullet that can knock down criminals from 100ft causing them to soil themselves, assessed by Home Office.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Lindsay Lohan and her puffing shoes
'White Puffs of Smoke' emanating from previously sexy Lohan's clogs produces unintended FX special effect on the 'Streets of San Francesco' (errr LA).
written by Tcoah, 30 March 2010
Better Lock Your Hummer
British woman stunned to find Romanian immigrant living in her bed. Sorry, that should have been "shed".
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Genearl Election warning to government
April Fools Day = Yo! Polls Afraid!
written by queen mudder, 30 March 2010
Lagasse Sued!
Tennessee Donkey owners sue Emeril Lagasse for stealing 'Donkey Fazoo' recipe! "His don't even taste like donkey!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Thrashing around like one of Snow White's dwarfs...
April Fools Day = Flail As Droopy
written by queen mudder, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #24
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "High Soon!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #23
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Cool Hand Cuke"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #22
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Strangers On A Wayne"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #21
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Rode Hard!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Jailed NHS boffin Professor Charles Butler?
April Fools Day = A Disloyal Prof
written by queen mudder, 30 March 2010
New Paris Hilton Movie #20
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Mr. Smith Goes To Paris"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton Movie #19
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Unforbidden"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton New Movie #18
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Some Like It Hot, Cold, Whatever, Whenever!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Tiptoe Thru The Tulips was part of the scam!
April Fools Day = Florid Payolas
written by queen mudder, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton New Movie #17
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "National Lap Poon Vacation"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton's New Movie #16
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Touchables"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Famous North Surrey studio inundated
April Fools Day = Floods Airplay
written by queen mudder, 30 March 2010
Both Need The Help
Church issues prayers for confused UK voters. Voters issue prayers for confused Catholic priests.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Fann(y)ing out all over the place...
April Fools Day = Spoof Radially
written by queen mudder, 30 March 2010
Paying Their Dues
'American Idol' contestants have long to-do lists, many asses to kiss!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Sounds Kind Of Depressing
Door to afterlife from ancient Egyptian tomb found. "Apparently, Egyptians believed you spent your afterlife in a tomb", states archaeologist.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Afterlife Tomb Found?
Door to afterlife from ancient Egyptian tomb found. Larry King prevented from entering it. "Thought it was the john", states King.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Mercury Shows Off A Bit
Tricky tiny Mercury easier to see in sky for a bit as it doesn't want to meet Pluto's fate.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Math Genius Idiot/Savant?
'Nyet' to $1 million? Math genius may reject award. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
NASA Investigates Toyota
NASA will help probe Toyota acceleration problem. May use it as a special rocket booster!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
March Madness Continues In Washington
March Madness continues as Obama tries to pass more socialist programs.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Godzilla Back!
Godzilla gearing up for new big-screen rampage! Opponent this time? George Foreman! "I'll grill that big sucker!"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
And What's All This About a Spanish Inquisition?
Catholics find ties to the church tested by crisis just discovered after 1800 years.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Prepare For The Worse!
Europe's largest undersea volcano could disintegrate and unleash a tsunami that would engulf southern Italy "at any time", says prominent vulcanologist. Popemobile fitted with floating devices.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
GOP Were At Topless Club
Republicans spent $1,946 at topless club! Democrats say they KNOW they were there because they saw them!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Ricky Martin Gay
Ricky Martin is livin' la vida open, says he's gay as Tweetie Bird!
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Seems To Be Working
The world's largest atom smasher has set a record for high-energy collisions by crashing two proton beams at three times more force than ever before. All scientists working on project disappear.
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
Ricky Martin GAY!
Ricky Martin swished out of the closet and openly declared his gayness. News at 10.
written by Cal Jennings, 30 March 2010
"Snuff Said"
Two people snuff it on "Walk for Life" - one other took snuff, another filmed a snuff, and three others 'checked out' because it was 'their snuff'.
written by Tcoah, 30 March 2010
Paris Hilton New movie #15
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Peter Fan"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
New Paris Hilton #14
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Hallo-Weenie"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
New Paris Hilton Movie #13
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Willie Wanker & The Chocolate Factory"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
New Paris Hilton Hilton Movie #12
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Mounting Python & The Holey Tail"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
New Paris Hilton Movie #11
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Miss Fits".
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
New Paris Hilton Movie #10
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Forest Hump"
written by Bureau, 30 March 2010
