Aretha New Updated Favorite
Aretha Franklin has rereleased an updated version of her "W-A-L-M-A-R-T, What those pastries do to me!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Led Zeppelin
Led Zeppelin has just released "She's Fallen Down The Stairway To Heaven, And Can't Get Up!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
The Who!
The Who, fresh from the Super Bowl are updating their favorite, "Talkin Bout My Operation! "Hope I don't die until I get REAL old! Talkin' bout my operation!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
"Might As Well!"
Another group back together to redo an old favorite, Van Halen is reissuing "Dump!" in the new commercial for Ex-Lax.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
"I Couldn't Have Tried, Anymore"
Aging Rocker Rod Stewart reissues and updated version of his big hit, "Maggie May, The Viagra Is On It's Way"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
"I Feel I'm Being Used"
Aging Rocker Rod Stewart reissues and updated version of his big hit, "Maggie May, The Viagra Is On It's Way"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
"Tell It Like It Is"
Crosby, Stills & Nash release update version of popular old hit: Seated, "Judy Blue Veins".
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
"Once Upon A Time, You Felt So Fine"
Bob Dylan has decided to update his All-Time #1 Rock Song by the Rolling Stone Magazine: "Like A Kidney Stone"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
In His Cape Pocket
Rediscovered James Brown single released "Papa's Got A Brand New hip!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
"Joy To The World!"
The old group Three Dog Night has released a new version of one of their old favorites, "Jeremiah Was Obama's Preacher Man!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Sir Elton John's Update
Sir Elton John has decided to release an updated of one of his old favorites: "Saturday Night's Alright For Bingo & Early Bird Specials!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
"YMCA" Updated
Men At Work release first single in many years, updating one of their golden oldies: "The AARP!!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
School report - report school!
A boy was dismayed today as his careers teacher advised him that his wish to become a professor of tautology had no future.
written by Eleven O'Clock Noon, 19 March 2010
Unexploded WWI bomb unearthed, re-dropped on Afganistan
"2nd time seemed to be a charm!" said Vice Brigadier General "Bullseye" Chester Tirpitz yesterday by Skype phone-on-the-front.
written by Wumf, 19 March 2010
Something is wrong!
Philosophers strike has everybody thinking.
written by Eleven O'Clock Noon, 19 March 2010
Obama urges nation to "remember history", when other bad legislation was passed
The President, desperate to get the bill passed unfortunately brought up the tremendous failures of Social Security and Medicare, laws that brought America to it's present terrible predicament.
written by Wumf, 19 March 2010
Strike!
National Priests Strike puts off the second coming for three weeks!
written by Eleven O'Clock Noon, 19 March 2010
Advertisement in the Catholic Thymes
Basilica Gel - keeps your temple dry for hours!
written by Eleven O'Clock Noon, 19 March 2010
FingerButt Smelling Up The Place
The last issue of "FingerButt" sent to customers after big losses due to bad economy, 50% interest rates.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Mideast Peace Talks
Hillary get Israeli, Palestinian reps to agree. "She is one cold lady!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Against Same Sex'Marriage
Three out of four say they are against same sex marriages. Common reason: "Everybody gets tired of the same old sex all the time!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Happy Kid's Versions Of Violent Video Games #9
New Children's Version Video Game Releases Just Out: Mario Marries Luigi, Their First Fight!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Happy Kid's Versions Of Violent Video Games #8
New Children's Version Video Game Releases Just Out: Bayonetta Fitzgerald!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Happy Kid's Versions Of Violent Video Games #7
New Children's Version Video Game Releases Just Out: Nessie Hunter!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Happy Kid's Versions Of Violent Video Games #6
New Children's Version Video Game Releases Just Out: Borderlands! (Help Disney World Expand)
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Happy Kid's Versions Of Violent Video Games #5
New Children's Version Video Game Releases Just Out: Grand Theft Bozo!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Happy Kid's Versions Of Violent Video Games #4
New Children's Version Video Game Releases Just Out: Miley Cyrus Blows Away Clint Eastwood!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Happy Kid's Versions Of Violent Video Games #3
New Children's Version Video Game Releases Just Out, Like: Toyota Motorsport 3"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Happy Kid's Version Of Violent Video Games #2
New Children's Version Video Game Releases Just Out: "Dragon Page -Is There A Mr. Dragon Here? Hello!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Police Seek Help
Sting says he'll pay 'top dollar' for an original copy of the Beatles record.
written by unknown
Local man Bums a Fag
He later admitted he recently quit smoking and didn't have the money on him to go out and buy a packet of cigarettes himself.
written by unknown
Sexy Continental man Wanders into wrong part of Scotland
Goes looking for French kiss but only finds the Glasgow version instead. Recovering in hospital at time of writing.
written by unknown
Pinocchio cuts off Face to Spite his Nose
The wooden whiner thinks it makes him look like a sexy Barry Manilow.
written by unknown
Happy Kid's Versions Of Violent Video Games
New Children's Version Video Game Releases Just Out: "Braid" (Whoopi's Hair, Cat Fight On The View).
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Dung Beetle Demands name Change
Says nobody will play with him. Wants to be called 'Honey Beetle' instead.
written by unknown
Daredevil Parachuting Cat is a Fake
Investigators discover he actually has multiple lives to waste and has taken out several life insurance policies.
written by unknown
Cats and Dogs Call off Hostilities
Decide instead to concentrate on beating up mice and sheep instead.
written by unknown
The Beatles to Reform
Science will melt them all down into a blob and turn them into a lump of singing lard. Surviving members oppose move, despite Yoko Ono's appeals.
written by unknown
"Give Me A Break!"
Tiger Woods disputes the number of prostitutes he's been seeing. "It was only 33, not 110" argues Woods.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
US FDA: Expire dates expire
US Food and Drug Administration 20 year old regulation for expire dates on food stuffs has expired. FDA scrambling to avoid expiration date for re-regulating expire dates.
written by C. Cranium, 19 March 2010
March Madness for Oxford
Basketball USA
Oxford declined invitation to final 64 as 65th contender. Astute physics student Bert Ramadan says "Do the math. Just who is the 65th team going to play?".
written by C. Cranium, 19 March 2010
Milk Tastes Odd
Turtlehead, Arkansas Scientist Claims to Have Created First Cow/Human Hybrid!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Bugs To Up Doc Pay!
"Bugs Bunny" Write-Ins Expected to Eclipse Ralph Nader in 2012 Election!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
No Rise In Gas Prices
Explosion of gas station commode in Bovine, Arkansas will not affect oil prices", according to spokesman.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Biden Rebuked!
Homeland Security tells VP Joe Biden that they will not change to 'Condition Red" just because of the President's falling poll numbers!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
"I May Have Misplaced That $Million!"
Still another politician retires to spend more time with his attorneys.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Awarded By GE
Ronald Reagan receives acclaim as the best President of the 1980's!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Slow Times For Copperfield #8
Magician David Copperfield down to doing tricks for kids at birthday parties: New Alchemy Trick: Watch for five minutes as Magician turns beer into gold!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Slow Times For Copperfield #7
Magician David Copperfield down to doing tricks for kids at birthday parties:"Magically picks the card kids picked, the Jack of Clubs...out of whole deck of 'Jack of Clubs'!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Slow Times For Copperfield #6
Magician David Copperfield down to doing tricks for kids at birthday parties: "Where is Mr. White Snake hid?"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Slow Times For Copperfield #5
Magician David Copperfield down to doing tricks for kids at birthday parties: "How to rope and hog tie a baloney dog!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Slow Times For Copperfield #4
Magician David Copperfield down to doing tricks for kids at birthday parties: Shows the kids how to be an ambulance, by blinking their eyes fast while screaming!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Slow Times For Copperfield #3
Magician David Copperfield down to doing tricks for kids at birthday parties: The magically sudden appearance of the Manhattan Bird!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Slow Times For Copperfield #2
Magician David Copperfield down to doing tricks for kids at birthday parties: Saws Gumby in half and magically puts him back together!
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Slow Times For Copperfield
Magician David Copperfield down to doing tricks for kids at birthday parties: Shows them how they can magically disappear by closing their eyes.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
School Bus Ads #9
Could school bus ads save school budgets? "Lap Dancing Every Friday, Saturday night at 'The Tattle Tail'."
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
School Bus Ads #8
Could school bus ads save school budgets? "This bus for 'Crips' area only. Not responsible for and 'Bloods' aboard.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
School Bus Ads #7
Could school bus ads save school budgets? "Amazing cure for erectile dysfunction without pills! Call Madame Lucy in the yellow pages, under "Prostitutes"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
All A Silly Misunderstanding
Millions to lose out in £500m pensions raid as Labour reneges on the pledge to top up payments. Claim they said 'stop' not 'top'.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Davy Crockett Dead
Fess Parker, TV's 'Davy Crockett,' dies at 85 . To be buried 'on a mountaintop in Tennessee'.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Kraft Cutting Cheese?
Kraft to cut the cheese in its North American foods. I'm sorry, that should be 'cut the salt'.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Tb Worsening?
WHO: Not sure if drug-resistant TB is worsening, but Roger Daltrey coughing a lot more.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Johnny Out Of His Depp?
Hollywood and Bollywood join arms to fight piracy. Will begin sending actor/pirates to battle Somali pirates soon.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Bus Ads #6
Could school bus ads save school budgets? "New stock of sex toys for naughty girls & boys -At The Bigger Jiggers Adult Bookstore"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Bus Ads #5
Could school bus ads save school budgets? "Special $1.00 Draft Beer every Friday Night at Mooses Bar on Main"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Bank Collapse Fund Encouraged
EU calls for bank collapse fund, but not from any banks already in collapse.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Watch Your Step There
Geneva atom smasher sets record for beam energy as clumsey scientist neatly cut into three pieces.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Peace Talks Have Small Beginning
Diplomats urge resumption of Mideast talks. Will begin with "he who smelt it, dealt it!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Illegal Immigrants Given Citizenship?
Obama backs senators' immigration overhaul outline. "Granting 10 million illegal immigrants US citizenship, gives us 10 million votes!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Bus Ads #4
Could school bus ads save school budgets? "Is Legal Medical Marijuana Just The Thing? Ask your doctor!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Bus Ads #3
Could school bus ads save school budgets? "Near Naked Women Pole Dancing At 'The Gentleman's Club on 4th Avenue!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Bus Ads #2
Could school bus ads save school budgets? "A vote for Charlie Miller is a vote for these kids!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
School Bus Ads?
Could school bus ads save school budgets? "Come To Las Vegas, What happens in Las Vegas, Stays in Las Vegas!"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Scout Sex Abuse
Ore. lawsuit claims Boy Scouts sex abuse coverup as some Scout Leaders apparently had their own private harems.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Stands To Reason
Md. lawmakers not feeling so Southern anymore. Experts say that is probably because Md. isn't a southern state and never joined the Confederacy.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
A Step Forward
Diplomats urge resumption of Mideast talks as both sides finally agree to stop finger gestures.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Obama On FOX, FOX On Obama
Obama argues for health care effort on Fox News, outfoxed by interviewers.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Closk Of Invisibility
Cloak of invisibility takes a step forward claims voice from somewhere in the room.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Invisibility
Cloak of invisibility takes a step forward as US government creeps into your billfold.
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Celebituaries: Ch-Ch-Ch-Charlie Gillett, Charlie Gillett
Gillett famously produced the only Vietnam-themed electro UK number one single, for Paul Hardcastle, featuring samples of war reportage. Gillett was n-n-n-sixty-eight (c) Tony Hawks, n-n-n-1988.
written by neilwatson, 19 March 2010
Spring Fashion
This year's hottest fashion is camouflage outfits. Unfortunately, women are claiming that they are difficult to find.
written by IainB, 19 March 2010
Iran admits High levels of uranium dust
but only to hide plutonium dust.
written by Tcoah, 19 March 2010
Obama cancels the rest of his life
Just to make sure his health plan gets enough votes to pass from the House to the Senate without a vote.
written by Tcoah, 19 March 2010
Man discovers large oil field up his ass
Well, that's Tony Blair's excuse. (In re headline in the Daily Mail: "Blair's fight to keep his oil cash secret ...")
written by Tcoah, 19 March 2010
"Just Because"
He/she says she loves u - it may not be love but luv. "That's wot luv is" - ask Sandra Bollock - thought she had love, but only had luv.
written by Tcoah, 19 March 2010
"Lost in Translation"
Manchester TV station reduced to skeleton staff bevause of lack of committed buyers. "We had a committed buver, but wasn't sure if we had a committed buyer."
written by Tcoah, 19 March 2010
"All the Fours"
4+1 year old boy took his 40 year old dad's 4x4 for 4 mile drive hitting maybe 4 cars with his feet about 4 inches off the brake peddle - the 4x4 was an automatic with 4 gears 'and then some'.
written by Tcoah, 19 March 2010
They'll Get A 'Lighter' Sentence There
The US Senate & House do not agree on whether to bring Gitmo prisoners to US or not. Former VP Cheney: "If you bring them here, put them inside Yucca Mountain."
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
The Markets at Noon
Knickers fell, while brassieres held up.
Dealers in Thongs and G-Strings were unable to cover their assets.
A hole was revealed in the market for Split-crotch panties.
Cock-rings held firm.
written by Erskin Quint, 19 March 2010
Monica's Cook Book #6
It's finally out so reserve you a copy at Barnes & Noble, Monica Lewinsky's Cook Book: "The Head Chef"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Monica Cook Book #5
It's finally out so reserve you a copy at Barnes & Noble, Monica Lewinsky's Cook Book: "Wok This Way" (With Steven Tyler)
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Monica Cook Book #4
It's finally out so reserve you a copy at Barnes & Noble, Monica Lewinsky's Cook Book: "Cooking With Cigars"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Monica Cook Book #3
It's finally out so reserve you a copy at Barnes & Noble, Monica Lewinsky's Cook Book: "Boiling Water For Dummies"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Monica's Cook Book #2
It's finally out so reserve you a copy at Barnes & Noble, Monica Lewinsky's Cook Book: "Hillary, I Can Cook Better, Too"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
Monica's Cook Book
It's finally out so reserve you a copy at Barnes & Noble, Monica Lewinsky's Cook Book: "The Floosie Gourmet"
written by Bureau, 19 March 2010
