Venus Probe Pictures Lost
Claims that the Barber who shaves all and only those who don't shave themselves actually shaved a man who does shave himself were dismissed yesterday. "That bloke was shaved by an impostor", said Herr Kutter, Austrian friend of the Barber.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2010
Orange-Juice Offer
The Barber who shaves all and only those who don't shave themselves may have been caught out, it was claimed yesterday. "He gave me a shave", said Pontefract shoe-salesman Dave Yesterday, "and I shave meself usually!".
written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2010
Nato Forces to Withdraw
Leos can expect a beardless milkman to become lodged behind a tallboy. For Virgo, it is a time to practice the zither by moonlight. Beware, Aquarians, of regimental goats.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2010
But Not Ready For Some Football
Back after a really long stay at the clinic: "Tank Williams, Jr."
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Teenagers Can Become Less Grumpy
According to Sleep Scotland, if teenagers get enough sleep, they become less grumpy. If the experiments are successful, then they will be tried on politicians!
written by IN SEINE, 15 March 2010
Around the WIs
Stonehenge WI enjoyed a successful knit-a-thon last week. Mrs Yingler's 1:72 scale model of the Taj Mahal was appreciated, as was Mrs Plither's life-size Rasputin, though Miss Yazmani's Death to the Great Satan merely baffled.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2010
Teenagers to Be Given Sleep Lessons
Rip Van Winkle is to be employed by Glasgow City Council to ensure that teenagers get adequate sleep.
written by IN SEINE, 15 March 2010
Israelis Capture Wrong Man
Israeli Security Services admitted they had captured the wrong man yesterday. Herge Bustian, 37, who was arrested in Ramallah, is a soil scientist specialising in humus who was visiting a friend.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2010
Israelis Capture Wrong Man
Israeli Seciruty Services admitted they had captured the wrong man yesterday. Aristotle Papadopolopodopopoplis, 44, who was arrested in Ramallah, turned out to be president of a Hummus manufacturing company.
written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2010
Even Shorter Than Jon Gosselin
The world's shortest man, He Pingping, dies at the age of 21.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
US Ties To Israel Low
Israel's ambassador to the US has said relations between the two are at their lowest for 35 years, Israeli media say. Blames US having a Muslim as President.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
British Airways flights largely unaffected by strike action
BA officials say only those flights involving planes will be affected by the strike and so people should turn up at airports and spend money in the very expensive cafes.
written by Proffitt, 15 March 2010
First It Was The Buddhas
Taliban sneaking into Egypt at night and blowing up pyramids!
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Also Teeth Locked Several Times
Dick Cheney, about his heart attacks: "One more Bush speech and the doctor told me, that would be it."
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Diamond Dogs swallowed diamond sold as a "stinking" work of "crappy" art!
Soli the diamond dog has achieved fame by swallowing a diamond, having a crap and selling the heap at Sotheby's! Mad artist Damien Wirst bought the shit + sparkler and now it's in the TATE, smelling!
written by unknown
Detour for 'million man march'
Cheryl Cole asks for admirers to sing at her front door.
written by Tcoah, 15 March 2010
They look human, quack like a human, and walk like a human
Turkeys voting for Christmas found roosting directly below Llanishen Reservoir
written by Tcoah, 15 March 2010
Tiger is about to make his comeback and his "swing" is better than ever!
Horny, hungry, starved Tiger Woods can't wait to get back out on the greens, in the knickers of his adoring female fans and doing it in the broom-cupboards of 6* hotels, "what a life!!!!!!"
written by unknown
Just in: Conservative Party distances itself from insanity comprising
a liquid lunch of 1.5 million tons of water atop a hill in Cardiff with over a hundred houses and a school on the downward facing flank.
written by Tcoah, 15 March 2010
President Obama confused about "special relationship"
Thought it meant "spatial relationship" as in: put your British troops where we want them.
written by Tcoah, 15 March 2010
Al Qaeda proffers amicus brief
in support of keeping over one million tons of water atop a hill in Llanishen Cardiff (aka "Llanishen Reservoir")
written by Tcoah, 15 March 2010
Kid with model boat made out of a washing up detergent bottle told to !#%@ off
Could the earth dam at Llanishen reservoir be rendered unstable by an empty bottle of detergent? So many "what ifs"
written by Tcoah, 15 March 2010
"Our Kate" splits from Sam Mendes
Kate Winslet asks young men to report to her front door and "sing if they want her".
written by Tcoah, 15 March 2010
Medvedev Paranoid #7
Source inside Russia says President Medvedev is so paranoid around Putin, at least 50 times a day he repeats, "How about that he-man, Putin?"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Medvedev Paranoid #6
Source inside Russia says President Medvedev is so paranoid about Putin that he tells other visitors that that better be a bottle of vodka in their pocket or they won't be glad to see him.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Medvedev Paranoid #5
Source inside Russia says President Medvedev is so paranoid about Putin, he tried to rub a 'spot' off of Gorbachev forehead.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Medvedev Paranoid #4
Source inside Russia says President Medvedev is so paranoid about Putin he was told he couldn't come into French restaurant without his shirt and shoes...and pants.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Medvedev Paranoid #3
Source inside Russia says President Medvedev is so paranoid around Putin, he's given the chief of the secret service five raises and his taster ten.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Medvedev Paranoid #2
Source inside Russia says President Medvedev is so paranoid around Putin that he never even made an excuse after secretary sees Putin has him in his lap jumping him up and down.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Medvedev Paranoid
Source inside Russia says President Medvedev is so paranoid around Putin: He soils himself every time Putin mixes the drinks.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
iPhone new app revealed
Watch and learn how to do heel surgery. Then practise on Becks yourself. iPhone app "how to heal to heel" coming soon.
written by Nae mair crap, 15 March 2010
Acting debut for Beckham
When he is taught to read by his son, David Beckham will begin rehearsals for Footloose in Helsinki.
written by Nae mair crap, 15 March 2010
Lionel Ritchie evicted
Lionel Ritchie has been evicted from his luxury apartment block after neighbours in the apartment above complained about his dancing on the ceiling
written by Jo Dash, 15 March 2010
Relief for the football bad boys
Terry, Cole and Tevez, elated. The Beckham hell will get us off the front pages of the tabloids
written by Nae mair crap, 15 March 2010
A blessing in disguise
Down at heel Dave can't put England through hell as he won't be sent off - again! Rooney worries, he'll be feeling such a heel.
written by Nae mair crap, 15 March 2010
Palin In Second Movie?
Sarah Palin Signs second movie "The Bobbitts Of Bloody Dick Swamp, South Carolina!"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Palin In Movie?
Sarah Palin signs contract to appear in "The Mail Order Brides of Big Bone Lick, Kentucky".
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Charity Busted
Local charity raising money by ice skaing several hours in Gatlinburg, Tennessee nicknamed "The Ass Capades" by locals.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Really Put That One In Orbit!
Golf ball hit by astronaut Alan B. Shepard 34 years ago blasts huge hole in space station.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Trick At Stock Market Works!
US stocks are up this morning after "Operation: Goose Your Fellow On The Floor" causes so much activity it has caught the attention of foreign markets, causing them to jump also.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Buzz Dying Down
Oscar buzz finally dropping in Los Angeles. Sales of ear plugs drop.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Sleeper Cells Worried Former Prez Most
Former President Bush to dad: "Those sleeper cells were what gave me nightmares while I was president. How about you Dad? Are you going to answer or just sit there shaking your head?"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Minority Becoming Majority
Poll predicts that US minority births will outnumber majority births for several years into the future. "Look for things like "Take A White Guy To Work Days"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
The Hipocrite
Head of Reformed Cannibals of New Guinea discovered eating second in charge, red-handed!
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Home Grown Terrorists
Middle-East type person, blonds now being pulled more often for closer search at airports.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Huge Solar Flares In The Spring #11
NASA says that sudden solar flare this Spring. Look for warning like: 'You see an Amish guy pulling carriage with horse in the driver's seat'.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Ususual Effects Of This Spring's Solar Flares #10
NASA says that sudden solar flare this Spring. Look for warning like: "All Toyota Cars Driving perfectly"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Big Solar Flares In The Spring #9
NASA says that sudden solar flare this Spring. Look for warning like: "Cher, Joan Rivers nothing but two big plastic puddles."
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Effects Of Huge Solar Flares In Spring #8
NASA says that sudden solar flare this Spring. Look for warning like: The sudden appearance of three new superheroes, Flare man, Super Flare and The Flame...all three gay.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Effects Of Unusual Solar Flares In The Spring #7
NASA says that sudden solar flare this Spring. Look for warning like: "Mark Lowton suddenly sends all spoof writers in the top 50 a hundred bucks."
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Effects Of Solar Flares In Spring #6
NASA says that sudden solar flare this Spring. Look for warning like: "News Snippets on The Spoof suddenly not all that funny."
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Unusual Solar Flares In Spring? #5
NASA says that sudden solar flare this Spring. Look for warning like: "There's a sudden flash, you sit down and your pants feel lumpy."
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Solar Flare Effects In The Spring #4
NASA says that sudden solar flare this Spring. Look for warning like: "Laptop computer suddenly does lapdance in your lap."
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Warning Of Unusual Solar Flares #3
NASA says that sudden solar flare this Spring. Look for warning like: "President suddenly completely mum about health care bill!"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Solar Flare This Spring? #2
NASA says that sudden solar flare this Spring. Look for warning like: Cats & Dogs seeking shelter 15 seconds in advance, at least one yelling "Get your ass inside!"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Solar Flare In Spring?
NASA says that sudden solar flare this Spring. Look for warning like: "Suddenly Gilligan is hosting 60 Minutes on your TV."
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Judges Missing Gavels
Soft justice lets 70,000 off with caution as custody rate for burglary slumps under Labour. Actually only 10,000 burglars, but many rearrested up to a dozen times.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Won't Drive On Air...Yet!
In England, drivers arrested after having only one pint. "Should have known they'd need more petro", say traffic cop after helping at tenth stranded car of the day.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Actually Pretty Upset
Gordon Brown unleashes four-letter rant at Baroness Ashton for 'letting Britain down'. Falls onto floor, kicking heels and holding his breath till he turns blue.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Helloooo Blossom!
Well hello blossom! After the worst winter in over 30 years, why scientists predict a dazzling display of spring flowers. Ten already arrested for violating the acting silly laws.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Can't Win
Health clubs that warn women not to lift heavy weights because of lawsuits from lifting too much, now face prosecution under equality laws.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
"Balls To That!"
Ed Balls 'wants to expand 50p tax rate' to DOUBLE the number of people who have to pay it. What next?
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Second Time Around
Gay seniors come out late, start second lifetime of weddings, break-ups and blomance!
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Liquor Cabinet Well-Stocke Just In Case
Hearts may swoon when stocks do, study suggests. Causes people to drink more to forget. However, hearts uplifted when stocks go up. Causes people to drink more, to celebrate.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
No Explanation!
Government says it cannot explain runaway Prius, medicine, grocery prices!
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
It's A Standoff
Culture clash: European art provokes Muslims. Muslim treatment of women provoke Europeans.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Take Care Of Your Own Building!
Officials: US wants Israel to cancel building plans. Israeli wants the US to stuff it!
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
The Next Big Thing!
Lisa Marie Presley gaining weight at same age as death Of Elvis!
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Popular Among Youth
Gov't says it cannot explain runaway Prius, but hope to develop their own version by 2012 as purchasers by thrill-seekers rise.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Census Questions Different This Time
US census forms arrive in the mail: What to expect? For one thing, question #1 is "Do you support Obama's health bill?" #2 "Would you be willing to poison a Republican?"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
More California Rules
CA bills push rules for ski, snowboard, waterboard, washboard industries.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
"A Turd By Any Other Name..."
ACORN branches rename, rebrand after video scandal, but apparently keep the same practices.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Gay Seniors, Many Retired Priests
Gay seniors come out late, start second lifetime as 100-year-old marries 102-year old ant DC nursing facilities.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Obama An Insult, Insulted
Israeli settlement action 'an insult' according to Obama aide.
Republicans say Obama IS an "insult" in this country.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Graves Dies
Mission: Impossible' star Peter Graves dies in LA. Friend say he has been in Grave condition for some time.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Northeast Flooding
Rain damage, detours hinder commutes in Northeast as several leave homes and purchase houseboats.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Clear sign of insanity?
(1) We'll be the kings not the kingmakers, vows Nick Clegg or (2) storing 1.5 million tons of water above homes and a school?
written by Tcoah, 15 March 2010
Cleveland Browns trade Brady Quinn after cutting Derek Anderson
Now they just need to get rid of the rest of their players.
written by unknown
Cleveland Browns trade Brady Quinn after cutting Derek Anderson
Team tries to do a "Brett Favre" and talk Sammy Baugh or Johnny Unitas out of retirement (and death).
written by unknown
Cleveland Browns trade Brady Quinn after cutting Derek Anderson
Quinn led Notre Dame to their two worst seasons ever. What did Cleveland really expect?
written by unknown
Cleveland Browns trade Brady Quinn after cutting Derek Anderson
If they play all of the time in the "Wildcat," they'll have fewer interceptions.
written by unknown
Cleveland Browns trade Brady Quinn after cutting Derek Anderson
Apparently, having no quarterback on your team is much better than having these two.
written by unknown
Beckham world cup dream dashed by injury
Anna Wintour, U.S. editor of vogue has spoken to Victoria Beckham to commiserate over the injury that will keep the former Spice girl out of the summers column inches and photo opportunities.
written by John Kerruish, 15 March 2010
More Changes At College
Origami classes at most colleges to be dropped after dropping paperwork and putting everything on computer files.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Washington Rumor Worrying Some
Rumor around Washington is that a lot of hand-wringing over finger-pulling video at beer conference.
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Both Masters Of The Game
Winter Olympics over, final tie declared between US and Brits on "Mud Slinging".
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Dropped Board Game #16
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: "English Black Draughts"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Dropped Board Game #16
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: "Cocks & Geeks"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Dropped Board Game #15
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: "Glue" (Although many are still attached to it)
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Dropped Board Game #14
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: (This Game Is) Honkers! (Yeehah!)
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Dropped Board Game #13
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: "Pig Latin Scrabble"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Dropped Board Game #12
Due To Low sales, Milton & Bradley have decided to drop their board game: "Gopher Bloke"
written by Bureau, 15 March 2010
Beckham his achilles heel
A nation mourns, Beckham out of the World Cup. Scotland celebrates
written by Nae mair crap, 15 March 2010
