"Big Snake In Aisle Three!"
The Rain Forest completely cut down to build the mother of all WalMarts!
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Monkeys Got The Bomb
The big oil spill quickly forgotten after gorillas in the Congo discovered to have nuclear weapons. Questioning Angelique Todd.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Crowe Adopts 2nd Son!
Sheryl Crow Adopts 2nd Son and this time it's not One-Nut Armstrong!
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
President Az Governor Condemned!
Protesters Await Arizona Governor at the White House.
Immigration activists also accuse Obama of 'half-ass leadership'
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Wheeling & Dealing
GOP chairman renews demands for Justice Department investigation of White House deal making. Told that that would go back 200 years.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
According To Inside Source
Whistleblowers turn in undercover agent's names to Masonic Underground. Three Shriner Clowns kicked out, little bikes repossessed!
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Mayor At A Loss!
Mayor to Detroit hoodlums: If we're the most violent city in the United States, why can't we win more football games?
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Had A Dress & Veil On It
ABC Evening News to show how they secretly smuggled an atomic bomb aboard an American Eagle Jet.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Also, I Whipped Bill's Ass!
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admits that she used steroids during 2008 campaign.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Grandchildren Doomed!
National debt is growing by 100 million dollars an hour. So if your grandson asks for a buck, please let him enjoy it while he can!
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Tar Balls & Shit! We're All Doomed!
BP: We are sorry about the oil spill and plan to have it well taken care of BEFORE the shit starts flying in November elections.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
New, I Say, New Cigarette Commercials
Foghorn Leghorn to do anti-smoking commercials: "What, I say what are you doing there, Son. You just put a weed in your mouth and set it on fire! (This boy ain't the brightest bulb on the tree)"
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Obama Knew Early
Obama knew early how bad it would be, says Michelle's mother. "He came in and kicked the dog on Day #2 of that oil spill!"
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
False UFO Reports
UFO Sightings Spike- After US Rocket Goes Up! "You're only seeing a US rocket", says Nogg of Titan.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Brown changing his name
Former UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, wants it known that in future people should call him Rufus K. Nobody quite knows the reason for this transformation however psychiatrists are contacting Brown.
written by whatinthe world, 05 June 2010
Sounds A Bit Fishy
Chinese-made land mines recalled after finding that they have lead in them. "You'll have to dig up those 1,000 in that you planted in Afghanistan", China tells UN.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Violence Down
Police violence for 2009 is down slightly according to FBI!
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Keeping An Eye On It
Midwest watchers moderately optimistic about any deep water oil well accident. Pretty dry right now.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
"Who Paid You To Do That?"
Owner of NFL football team in a rage as incompentent demolition crew blow up the new sport stadium instead of the old one.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Wait Till He Sees The Tar Balls
Navajo Indian eying factory smoke in Utah: "Everything is going to the Happy Hunting Ground in a hand basket."
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Summer Intern Applies For Job of Japanese Prime Minister
Psychology Undergrad Woshi Quiji applied to Emperor Hirohito for the job of the Prime Minister of Japan. "I'm totally free for the next 3 months and my girlfriend says I'm bad at handling pressure"
written by ronin47empire, 05 June 2010
Note: Goodbye. We're Both Ruined
Seventy-Two-Year-Old man in Illinois commits suicide after taking three Penis pills before fiance arrived and having penis explode!
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Dylan Christmas # 12 & 35
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "Don't Think Twice, The Tie's Alright" on his Holiday Album last year.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Dylan Christmas #12 & 35
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "A Hard Reindeer's A-Gonna Fall" on his Holiday Album last year.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Dylan Christmas #12 & 35
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "Absolutely Sweet Myrrh Rhea" on his Holiday Album last year.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Santa Claus In June
Santa Claus relaxing by the pool at the North Pole, finally admits to global warming, that both Dancer & Prancer are gay.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Also Tipping Cows!
Hoodlum Amish kid in Pennsylvania reportedly driving his family buggy!
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Also, First Known Tardrops
The first "Oilbow" in history appears in Florida after rainstorm on the Gulf coast.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Misunderstanding
Illegal immigrant apprehended as he tried to hide by dressing up as Donald McRonald.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Messing Up Images
US Airport Security teams reporting that they are having trouble over liver piercings.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Wear Your Slicker
Unusual predictions by weathermen today of late snows in western mountains and the first known heavy oily rain alert in Florida.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Actually Crime Hs Fallen As Result
So many bullets leaving for Iraq, Afghanistan that police in US, especially in rural areas, issued crossbows.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Still On Hold
California woman buried with cell phone still doesn't answer but visitors to cemetery freaked out.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Won't Be Walking Upright By 3000!
Scientists have now discovered that man' evolution has totally stopped & reversed itself with the invention of the television set.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Ten Year Study Result!
New health study reveals that it is better to get up off the couch to go to the refrigerator than to have someone else to bring you a sandwich & beer!
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Thanks Cheney For Help, Getting Fingers Loose
Former President George W. Bush has announced that he has finally conquered the "Chinese Handcuff" puzzle. Next, a five-year study of the Rubik's Cube.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
May Use Video In Fall Elections
President Obama nominated for academy award for performance in meeting with BP officials.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Congree Pissed Over Trial Run!
House of representatives may vote "Beer Conferences" out as penalty against Omama, after he practiced chewing them out before he met BP officials.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Putin To Join The Elite?
Putin could step up to role of new Russian god any day now, says "World Watch".
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Fatty Sausage on buns, Burgers Could Contain 2000 Calories
Health investigators deny food calorie, fat amounts at Major League sporting events to only give them a ballpark figure.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Just Found Out
A secret secret branch of the CIA claims that for three years, it was totally unaware that it existed.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
"Want A Beer, Half-Pint?"
Drivers could be over limit after less than a pint under new law. Pubs go to "half-pints". Customers object to name. Now it's 'Near Pints'.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Stop Blaming UK
Stop blaming UK for BP oil spill disaster: Cable hits out at America. "We can't control them either."
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Too Much Fitness?
Skin cancer kills fitness fanatic after he develops SIXTY tumours years after giving up sunbeds, nudist colonies.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Cereal Drops Claims
Kellogg drops Rice Krispies health claims. Admit that Snap, Crackle, Pop do not help with arthritis.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
"Some More Turbulence, Sorry!"
United Airlines plans fuel-saving flight, occasionally turning off motors & gliding from time to time.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Lots Of Exercise!
To burn more fat, skip breakfast before workout. After skipping, workout, eat light.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Tar Balls Drive Away Prostitutes!
Prostitutes leaving south Florida. "We heard the warning about getting sick from handling Tar balls when sailor's arrive", one tells reporter.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Careful With Tar Balls
Wash off tarballs, but brief encounters not risky. "But don't play with the things or you could wind up looking like the Swamp Thing", states BP spokesman.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Millionaire Has New Toy
Millionaire's test rocket reaches orbit on 1st try. Elon Musk may go nuclear to protect his and friend's millions.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Obama Chooses Intelligence Chief
Obama to name new intelligence chief...since there are none in the White House at the present.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Gas Price Jump
Jump in gas prices not a result of spill. "Just the everyday greed", says expert.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Basketball's Top Coach Gone #2
Former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden shoots his last basket. To be buried in Wooden casket.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Nervous Meeting Wooden
Little nervous meeting John Wooden, says sports writer. Especially with him being dead.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Gulf Spill Oil Coming In!
Birds frozen in oil: image of a desperate summer for the US Gulf Coast. Frown frozen on Nancy Pelosi's face. Of course, that is always there.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Labor Dispute Settled
Honda says Chinese labor dispute has been settled, after all new workers hired.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Americans Still Going South
Mexico drug war doesn't stop Americans from moving south of the border. "Actually, we came here for the drug", states old Boomer.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
South Carolina Race
'Raghead' slur is new ugly twist in S.C. race. "Shithead" also a slur being cast about.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Limbaugh To Wed, Movie?
Limbaugh to wed as Hollywood flirts with his life story. Will the fourth marriage succeed? Will three million dittoheads attend movie?
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Shorter School Week Popular
4-day school weeks gain popularity across US. In fact, many students would agree to three days.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Another Indian-American Winner
Spelling bee winner part of Indian-American streak. Experts credit outsourcing telephone calls done by parents.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
War Crime Dances?
Israeli forces board Gaza-bound aid vessel. Force those aboard to dance to Hava Nagila.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Basketball's Top Coach Gone
Former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden shoots his last basket.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Dubya-speak
BP's latest attempt to stop the flow of crude fails. Maybe they should stop the flow of crude ideas that haven't stopped the flow of crude and try something a little more refined.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 June 2010
Father knows best
Miley simulates lesbian kiss with backup dancer during show. Later seen backstage with same backup dancer simulating three-way with father Billy Ray.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 June 2010
Tarred, not yet feathered
President Obama promises to stand with the people of the Gulf Coast through the oil spill catastrophe on Saturday. Unfortunately, presidential waist-high fishing boots won't be ready until Monday.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 June 2010
Oró Sé do Bheatha 'Bhaile
Israeli forces intercept an Irish ship of humanitarian aid bound for Gaza. Commandos: "We could tell it was an Irish ship by its erratic course and the way it listed drunkenly in the water."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 June 2010
Quit clowning around
Mickey D's recalls 13.4 million collectible glasses containing deadly cadmium, but the green ogres still won't recall billions of not-so-happy meals containing deadly fat, cholesterol.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 June 2010
Bushisms Back
Former President Bush says he can be cool with kids too, just as good as Obama. Then blows it by asking one teen with Twilight Magazine, "Which one plays the mummy?"
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
The Terminator Is Bock!
Governor Schwarzenegger scares the crap out of kids by dressing as Terminator and telling them to get off his lawn.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Russia Removes Missiles
Russian President Medvedev tells President that a full third of all Russia's nuclear missiles have been placed on the top shelf in the back of the closet, where no one can reach them.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Octomom Quotes PT Barnum
Octomom says that within a week of being home with her eight babes she finally understood what PT Barnum meant when he stated that there "was a sucker born every minute".
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Abe Still Around
CBS announced today that the planned Abe Vigoda Memorial Christmas Special will not be on this year as it turns out he's still alive!
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
The Obama Girls
President Obama said today that his daughters thought the 4 major food groups were Churches Fried Chicken, McDonald's, Wendy's and Taco Bell!
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #36
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Fantastic Two" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #35
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Doc Salvage" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #34
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Tickler" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #33
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Rubber Chicken" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #32
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's "Archie's Friend, Dickhead" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 05 June 2010
