North Korea Offers To Aid in Gaza Strip Blockade
"We've got a submarine that is successful at blowing ships out of the water."
written by unknown
Dylan Christmas #12 & 35
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "When You Gonna Wake Up, There's Be Presents Under The Tree" on his Holiday Album last year.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Dylan Christmas #4
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "A Snowman Of Constant Sorrows" on his Holiday Album last year.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Dylan Christmas #3
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "Black Flu Blues" on his Holiday Album last year.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Dylan Christmas #2
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "Tangled Up In Colored Light Cord" on his Holiday Album last year.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
"Ain't Gonna Work There No More!"
Bob Dylan says he forgot about putting "Maggie's Christmas Tree Farm" on his Holiday Album last year.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Is It Tina Fey or Is It Sarah Palin?
Tina Fey said that last week she really got into the Sarah Palin character so much that she actually had the urge to go out and shoot a damn caribou.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
Jennifer Aniston Is Certainly Giving It The Old College "Beaver Shot" Try
Brad Pitt who admits to being a leg man says he knows his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston has been going out of her way to show of her fantastic legs and cute hooha in hopes of snagging him back.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
Rue Mcclanahan dies; was predeceased by her husband, former NFL linebacker Bea Arthur.
Rue McClanahan has passed away at age 76.
McClanahan is best known for her role as aged meathole Blanche on The Golden Girls, a show about three hookers and their mom.
written by anthonyrosania, 04 June 2010
Jose "The Steroid Buster" Canseco Is In The Building
Jose Canseco says that he has not written a book dealing with steroids in baseball in at least three weeks.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
The Extremely Masculine Nancy Grace May Be No More
Nancy Grace will be having surgery to give her a more feminine look instead of the bitch dyke look she presently has.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
The Shocking Pink Statue of Liberty?
The Statue of Liberty will be painted pink in honor of "Take A Lesbian Out To Lunch Week."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
Hamas Not Terrorist Group
TURKISH PM: Hamas not a terrorist group! It's made from chick peas and eaten with chips or on flatbread.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Castro Advises?
CASTRO: A nuclear strike on Iran may help Obama win second term...Just saying!
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Census Workers Encouraged
Obama cheers on the 2120 census workers. "They'll doing a hellava job!" Sound familiar?
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Tonight Show: Eubanks Out, Bieber In.
Kevin Eubanks left the tonight show. NBC says they will replace him with Justin Bieber, just to get a little sexual tension going between him and Jay!
written by anthonyrosania, 04 June 2010
UCLA: John Wooden "Grave, Upgraded from 'room temperature' "
News just said John Wooden in "Grave" condition. Wow. Could you find a less sensitive phrase? What is that, upgraded from room temperature?
written by anthonyrosania, 04 June 2010
"No Fire, Stink Bomb", Says Fire Chief
Dick Cheney spotted running from area of the White House as a fire breaks loose in undisclosed location.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
BP Chief: I Feel Your Pain!
Temporary Amnesiac says he came to himself on a hillside in a boat with no paddles and that the creek stunk.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
BP Gets Ready To Squeeze Boyle
BP, in a stroke of genius, are to plug the Gulf of Mexico oil spill using nothing more than Susan Boyle's planet sized face.
written by Trip Nasti, 04 June 2010
Could Be Any Time Now
Just In: Recent Earthquakes, Active Volcanos have jarred the "Doomsday Clock" forward.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Hospitals Getting Ready
Hospitals in Florida prepare themselves for increase in "Oil Can Harry's Disease"!
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
"That Bodyguard's A Handsome Soul!"
One of South African president Jacob Zuma's THREE wives 'cheats on him with bodyguard'. Other two jealous.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
"Avatar" Woman Missing
'Avatar' mother goes missing after becoming obsessed with online 3D world. "I heard her yell '4th Dimension?' and she hasn't been seen yet", states Neighbor who was in the other room, visiting.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
The Mad Chef!
Chef guilty of killing wife with griddle pan, hiding body in freezer then dumping her in wheelie bin. "Should have used someone else wheelie bin", states idiot.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
My Second Cousin On My Uncle's Side
A New Zealand funeral home has stepped in to stop a fake mourner attending up to 4 funerals a week to stock up on food, even filling up containers to take home.
"I'm there to comfort", he explains.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Rush Limbaugh Snags Fourth Wife
One wonders, with his looks, it's gotta be something else. Maybe those big cigars?
written by Charpa93, 04 June 2010
Mickelson In Prime Spot
Mickelson in prime spot after Tiger Woods Memorial's 1st round.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Rush Limbaugh Getting Hitched a Fourth Time
Guess we can now lay to rest the assumption that 'third time's a charm.'
written by Charpa93, 04 June 2010
Ricky Martin Honored
Celebrities honor Ricky Martin at amfAR gayla in New York!
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Rush Limbaugh Getting Married to "Doll" Number 4
Try to keep your breakfast down this weekend as you envision Rush Limbaugh on his honeymoon.
written by Charpa93, 04 June 2010
New Expert Advice
Experts Say: To burn more fat, skip breakfast before workout. Then wait till lunch before you eat.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
The Tar-Ball Wizard
The Who re-release new album, "That BP CEO Man, Sure Displays A Mean Tar Ball!"
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Risky, But Only Slightly
Wash off tarballs, say experts, but brief encounters not risky. Only 10% expected to come down with the Tar Balls disease which, for some reason, only strikes males.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Good Excuse!
'Furious' Obama heading to Gulf for spill update. Practices speech on mother-in-law.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Re-Checking Supplies Needed
Scientists begin 520-day Mars mission simulation. Double check to make sure they have enough creamy nougat.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Need More Than A Capfull!
BP exec says cap is collecting some oil in Gulf. Residents tell him to put the hat back on his head.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Ready To Roll!
Florida Senate candidate tests politics, ethnicity, definitions in dictionary for mild curse words for BP.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Unless It's A Nuclear Attack, Of Course
US commander: No sign of another NKorean attack. "Maybe we should hold off until the 10th attack."
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
"BP Is A Bad Baaad Old Meany!"
Obama shelves trip to Indonesia, Australia as he heads to the Florida Gulf Coast and he's got a 'loud speaker' in his hand.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Furious Obama #2
'Furious' Obama heading to Gulf for spill update. Taking Jeremiah Wright as Obama will allow Wright to speak and then point and say, "What he said goes double with me, except the chicken part."
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Furious Obama This Time!
'Furious' Obama heading to Gulf for spill update, after practicing words, frown until late last night.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
New Jury May Be Sought
Hugs, handshakes, big envelopes of money exchanged at Blagojevich corruption trial!
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Just Like Old Times
Beach-storming drill returns Marines to roots, oil on boots!
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Jobs Available At McDonalds
McDonald's pulls cadmium-tainted 'Shrek' glasses, workers who handled cadmium-tainted glasses.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Congo Objects. "All We Have Is Bio Weaponry!"
Report: Myanmar, seeking nuclear weapons. "Need them to tear down all those "Burma Shave" billboards", say leaders.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Stephen King Influenced
In DC, even the Spelling Bee draws protesters..M-O-O-N! That spells protesters.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Umpire, Commissioner Slightly Off!
Planet Triple Play: Saturn, Mars and Venus Appear Together. However, Major League Baseball umpire rules Mars Slightly off! Commissioner upholds ruling.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Temps Being Hired
Jobs data likely to show burst of temporary hiring. Must be willing to work around the Gulf area, put up with stench.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
New Japanese PM Popular
Japan installs outspoken populist, great on karaoke, Naoto Kan as PM!
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Things Are Looking Up!
BP exec says cap is collecting some oil in Gulf. Only 90% of beaches and animal sanctuaries destroyed.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Progress At Last!
BP exec says cap is collecting some oil in Gulf, "at least ten percent!"
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Want Those Super-Sized?
Bowling Green man arrested in robbery at McDonald's. Had taken $1500 and fries with it.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Tony Bennett Was Right
Mediterranean diet can help keep heart disease at bay. San Fransisco Bay, where we left our heart, specializes in Mediterranean diet.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Strike On Jupitor
Amateur astronomer spots another Jupiter strike. Apparently economy there shot to blazes also!
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Feds Get Pricky
Feds get pricky over what makes oil 'extra virgin'. I'm sorry, that should have been "Picky". They can be pricks at times, though.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Al Qaeda Defeated, We'll Take On Al-Qaida
U.S. widens Special Operations against al Qaeda according to report, but will stay the course with al Qaida.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Kirk Misstates Military Records
Kirk apologizes for misstating military record. Admits he never saved the life of Commander Norman Schwarzkopf.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Kirk Admits To Misstatements
Mark Kirk apologizes for misstating military record. Admits he didn't lead mission into space to destroy meteor headed for the earth.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Just Kidding Of Course
Kirk apologizes for misstating military record. Candidate admits he never was a Captain of a Starship.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Time Is Money!
'Banks' allow members to pay with time, not cash. many now scrubbing floor, rechaining stolen ink pens, serving a bank guards.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Payback For Non-Payment
'Banks' allow members to pay with time, not cash. "If you don't pay back loans, prepare for some jail time", say bank presidents.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Spelling Bee Protesters Riot!
In DC, even the Spelling Bee draws protesters. Say they are merely practicing up for BP protests later!
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Pluto Redicules Appearance
Planet Triple Play: Saturn, Mars and Venus Appear Together! Pluto says they are merely showing off as 'planets'.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Could Become Rare, So Could Owners
McDonald's pulls cadmium-tainted 'Shrek' glasses. However, some keeping back a few in case they become collectible should 90% be turned it.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Shrek Glasses Pulled
McDonald's pulls cadmium-tainted 'Shrek' glasses as customers begin to turn green.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Well Capped, Sir!
BP puts containment cap on gushing Gulf well pipe, gushing CEO as something went right!
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Sign of the times
Scaffolding is finally removed from the Acropolis in Athens, Greece, revealing the temple is still in ruins despite 25 years of intensive repair efforts.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 June 2010
You said a mouthful
For the second year in a row, eighth-grader Aditya Chemudupaty will compete in Scripps National Spelling Bee. He says he'll practice for the competition by first spelling "Aditya Chemudupaty."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 June 2010
Diving for Apple
Visiting Chinese myPhone and myPad manufacturer FoxCon, Steve Jobs so depressed he leaps from factory window. Scooped out of safety net, put right back to work by FoxCon chairman Terry Gou.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 June 2010
No idle hands here
Teen pregnancy growth rate in U.S. continues to decline. Experts: Today's teens are too busy tweeting, posting, texting and gazing deeply into their eyePhones and monitors to even notice each other.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 June 2010
Method Acting 101
Facing worst oil spill in U.S. history, "No Drama" Obama faces criticism he doesn't seem concerned enough. Will address nation live on Monday, screaming and shouting from White House rooftop.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 June 2010
Play it again, Uncle Sam
U.S. census jobs account for more than two-thirds of estimated 513,000 payrolls gain in May, spurring labor market recovery. Encouraged by results, President Obama orders census recount in 2011.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 June 2010
The Only Dude Ranch In Massachusetts Is Forced To Shut Down
The one and only dude ranch in the entire state of Massachusetts has had to shut down because someone stole the horse.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
Poker Chips By Any Other Name Taste Just As Sweet
Due to the continued problem of runaway inflation some Las Vegas casinos will soon change from using the usual poker chips to using colored corn chips.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
The Amazingly Immature Glenn "Nazi Boy" Beck
Glenn Beck agrees to take a national maturity test and he ends up being ranked right below Naomi Campbell and above Ashton Kutcher.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
The Reason Why The KKK Ranks Have Been Dwindling Down
The KKK, has stated that although racism is on the rise, its ranks have seen a decline in members which they attribute to the fact that some of the good ol' boys are just wising up some.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
Got Milk Ad Gals Have Got To Have Tits (Pure and Simple)
Flat chested Keira Knightley is apparently devastated that she was turned down for a 'Got Milk' ad.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
From Riverside with Love
Since I turned over 50 Ive had to take a manditory proctology examination for the past three years now well they finally caught up with me and gave me a self addressed postcard "From Hemet with Love!"
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 04 June 2010
Most unwanted one legged man ?
In the movie The Fugitive the FBI's most wanted was an one armed man. In my case the FBI's most unwanted would be me a one legged man and unarmed if this is my weapon and this is my gun goes ?
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 04 June 2010
The Longest Day
In the movie The Longest Day, Rod Taylor had a medic use safety pins to hold his gash wound on his leg together. How much you want to bet if it was me he would use - used Diaper pins on my big mouth ?
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 04 June 2010
Shakira Has Got The Most Dangerous Hips In The Entire World
Shakira says that the rumor of her shaking her hips so hard that she popped out an ovary are false - She said that it was actually a tonsil.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
The Brand New Sports Illustrated Scratch 'n Sniff Swimsuit Issue
This years Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue has just come out with its first ever Scratch 'n Sniff edition. Most subscribers say that it smells a lot like tuna fish.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
The Reason That The Willie Nelson Story Has Hit A Snag
The movie entitled The Story of Willie Nelson has not been cast yet. Producers are having a very hard time trying to find an actor who can appear to be as stoned as Willie was.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
Ashton "The Crybaby" Kutcher Just Keeps On Whinin' and Weepin'
Ashton Kutcher pleads guilty to first degree immaturity. He cries when sentenced to one week in a day care center.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
The Gulf Of Mexico Oil Spill Continues To Mess Things Up
Signs that the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill are worse than originally believed is the fact that California authorities say that The San Andreas Fault is filling up with Gulf oil.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
Break A Leg Thats Show Biz ?
Why is it everyone who sees me on my crutches and a cast on my leg and asks me what happened and I reply broke my leg and then they ask how Why dont they wait until I get my pecker stuck in my Zipper
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 04 June 2010
Cinderfella Liberty
Well I go to the VA tomarrow to have may cast removed and a new Nancy Sinatra walking boot in its place.Well I'm no Cinderella or Prince Charming, but if the shoe fits I'll wear it !
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 04 June 2010
I hear Liz Taylor is getting married ?
Liz Taylor getting married ? I didn't even know she was engaged ? " Stella ! " " Stella ! " " Frankly my dear I don't give a darn ! "
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 04 June 2010
Why I like Sandra Bullock Continued
I think I would go for Jane Russle in her movie " The Outlaw," produced by Howard Hughes, as at least he designed her bra where Jesse James Hollyood does just mens underwear ?
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 04 June 2010
Why I like Sandra Bullock
It's not from thinking about her in movies like"the Demolition man,"where she and Sylvestor Stalone passed one liners more than a doctor passes gas, but if I had to choose between Jesse James,and her
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 04 June 2010
Kanye West The Unsuccessful Book Author
Kanye West's autobiography entitled "Hey People, It Was Just A Little Damn Microphone For Goodness Sakes" has racked up nationwide sales of 8 copies.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
The Very Unusual Madonna-Clay Aiken Feud
The former singer known as Madonna said that she won her feud with Clay Aiken. She said that all she had to do was to kick Aiken in his G-spot.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
The New Paris Hilton Designer Pantiliners
The new line of Paris Hilton Designer Pantiliners reportedly smell just like dollar bills.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
Zsa Zsa has a new job ?
In the Press Enterprize a local paper in Riverside the healines read " CHP slaps officers !" I never thought Zsa Zsa was a CHP and her Mercedez a patrol car ?
written by mancalledhorsemanure, 04 June 2010
Paula Abdul Says Bye and Adios To Pain Pills
Paula Abdul proudly proclaims that she has not taken any pain medication in two hours.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
Mark Cuban Says He Is Kobe Bryant's BFF
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says that he is thinking about buying The Los Angeles Lakers and moving them to Dallas.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 June 2010
And Probably Raise Cost Of Stamps
U.S. Post Office wants to cut back to five days and deliver come rain or shine but not snow or sleet.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Shorthand
Chicago man finally figures out that "Heidi Montag" on his shopping list meant Melons, Hams, navel oranges and cheesecake.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Lambert In Mag
Adam Lambert to appear in the September-October issue of Glammer!
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
That Went Down Smoothe
Warning issued to all Florida Gulf residence, "If water smells a little oily, mix in 90% bourbon.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Sir Elton John Practicing
Sir Elton John to practice his special talents this weekend at Bernies!
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #31
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Cosmic Kipper" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #30
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Shit Eater-The Human Fly" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #29
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Goods" (Adult) series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #28
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Biting Satire Writer" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #27
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Distractor" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #26
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Finger Puller...Of Death!" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 04 June 2010
