Superstitutions #25
Dreaming of acorns predicts pleasant things & that much gain is to be expected. Just ask one of those roadkill squirrels!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Superstitutions #24
Dreams at night are a devil's delight. Dreams in the morning, heed the angels' warning. Dreams while at work, they'll fire your ass jerk!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Superstitutions #23
You will have bad luck if you do not stop the clock in the room where someone dies...but not nearly as much bad luck as the person who died.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Superstitutions #22
If a clock which has not been working suddenly chimes, there will be a death in the family...or a really big cockroach inside the old clock.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Rooney Breaks Down
Millions watch as Rooney breaks down in the six yard box over his over his inability to think outside the box. In fact, he has actually built a box within the box and is now refusing to come out.
written by Jeremy Paxman, 27 June 2010
Madman seen in Shadows
I'm still here, so watch your backs.......
written by armfeetandtoe, 27 June 2010
Superstitutions #21
Dogs howling in the dark of night, Howl for death before daylight. This is not true and this is not right. The dogs are howling over free bites!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Superstitions #20
You must hold your breath while going past a cemetery or you will breathe in the spirit of someone who has recently died. Not true, people held their breath because of smell just filled grave.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Care Deodorant Confesses
Care Deodorant admits that they have people working for them that might be considered sweatshops by American standards.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Fat Rapist Says Confession Coerced With Potato Chips
No Joke, I can't make this up. Bruce Tuck, the confessed serial rapist says his confession was coerced with food. Really? How low do you have to fall for you to confess because of potato crisps?
written by SirBeavis, 27 June 2010
Elton John At Elmer's Wedding
Elton John agrees to play at Uncle Elmer's wedding for a million dollars. "I fear our marriage will suffer for that big debt up front but we'll sell some chickens."
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Durbin Asks Obama to Appoint Carp Czar
US Senator Durbin today urged Obama to appoint a Carp Czar to oversee efforts to keep out invasive species. Also wants a Fish-stick Czar, Tuna Czar and a Fillet of Fish Czar to keep them out of meals.
written by SirBeavis, 27 June 2010
Temper Tantrum
Sources say that Pres. Obama is mad over not getting his own way & not one of the 20 gathered nations voting for a spending bill. He plans to have a one-man beer conference as soon as he returns home.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
They Say Nay!
This just in from FOX News: "Everything is getting a lot worse a lot faster than any of us ever thought possible." That our last from them. Depressing bunch of nay-sayers!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
"Nothing Too Big, Of Course"
Barney Frank recommended a 'bad spanking' for Iran. "I hate to get rough but will if I have to. Maybe a moderate bombing of any missiles. Nothing too big, of course. Speaking of which I'm off duty.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #25
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Oily, Oily, Toxin Free!"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #24
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "The Drill Is Gone".
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #23
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "We'll Stop The Oil With A Little Help From My Friends"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #22
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Don't Be Crude".
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #21
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Ellen Oil Rig Bee"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Second Iraq War #5
Right after the twin towers fell, Bush decided to hit Iraq once again, calling it "Operation: Iraqi Freedom". He chose this over "Operation: Keeping Saddam From Causing A Giant Oil Spill In The Gulf!"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Second Iraq War #4
Right after the twin towers fell, President decided to engage Iraq once again, calling it "Operation: Iraqi Freedom". He chose this over "Operation: The Revenge Bush Of George Junior!"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Second Iraq War #3
Right after the twin towers fell, President decided to engage Iraq once again, calling it "Operation: Iraqi Freedom". He chose this over "Operation: 72 Virgins Without Vaginas"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Second Iraq War #2
Right after the twin towers fell, President decided to engage Iraq once again, calling it "Operation: Iraqi Freedom". He chose this over "Operation: The Mother Of All Blunders"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Second Iraq War
Right after the twin towers fell, President decided to engage Iraq once again, calling it "Operation: Iraqi Freedom". He chose this over "Operation: Collateral Damage Will Cause Buzzer To Sound"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #20
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "The Dirty Bird Is The Word".
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #19
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "I Still Haven't Found What We're Looking For".
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #18
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, Oil Free Bird"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #17
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Black Suede Shoes".
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #16
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Great Balls Of Tar!"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Subo to appear on Dancing With The Stars
Subo is in training to appear with The Spoof's own Harold Q. Fuey, in next season's Dancing With The Stars.
Do you smell romance in the air? I surely do.!!!!
written by unknown
What ever next?
Juan Sheet The toilet roll company has revealed a break through in sanitary technology Toilet paper that is washable and can be used on both sides.
written by stantheman, 27 June 2010
Should Help If They Get Back Together
Tiger Woods wife Elin has started back in college taking courses in Psychology and Abnormal Psychology, taught by Professor Lou Knee.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Provincetown, Mass. Schools To Provide Free Condoms To First Graders
Girls too young for training bras get training gloves?
written by unknown
Provincetown, Mass. Schools To Provide Free Condoms To First Graders
When asked who would supply the child sized condoms, one school district source said "we found them in a shipment that was supposed to go to Neverland Ranch."
written by unknown
Provincetown, Mass. Schools To Provide Free Condoms To First Graders
Catholic church shows increase in number of Priests wanting to transfer to the area.
written by unknown
Provincetown, Mass. Schools To Provide Free Condoms To First Graders
Arkansas says, "we been doing that fer years, but most of our second grade girls are usually about 14 years old and already got kids."
written by unknown
Provincetown, Mass. Schools To Provide Free Condoms To First Graders
Barack Obama upset about move, saying "where the hell am I supposed to get my 72 virgins when the six year olds get free birth control?"
written by unknown
Denutter Was More Lenient
Robert Pattinson related to Vlad The Impaler but not his stepson, Vald The Denutter!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
England hit by flash flooding...
.. so many England fans were crying that there was not enough places for the water to go. The situation was not helped when so many German fans were wetting themselves laughing after their 4-1 defeat.
written by IN SEINE, 27 June 2010
iOS4 4.0.1 Update Rumored Coming Soon to Fix iPhone 4 Reception
At a little over 6 hours, iOS 4.0 is the longest lived version of the iPhone software without an update EVER!!
written by anthonyrosania, 27 June 2010
"Thought I Was Seeing Things!"
The Loch Ness Monster has been spotted once again, this time by a Sasquatch just coming out of the woods.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Bells Are Ringing
"Russia says it has ICBMs that can get through US missile "defense, defense". "Not with our lasers on the coasts, coasts", says Obama. "They'll be under water", warns the organic bells of Al Gore!"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Petraeus Predicts
General Petraeus says that as soon as we get all parties to unite in Afghanistan, we must hurriedly leave...because then they will unite against us.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Need To Think Before You Act
Alabama officially apologizes for slavery. "We've thought it over for a couple hundred years", states Governor, "and we're sorry."
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #15
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Who'll Stop The Drain?"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #14
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Toxy Lady".
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #13
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Black Is Black, I Want My Beaches Back"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #12
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "I Heard It Through The Pipeline."
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Block Differs In UK
H & R Block in the United Kingdom to be known as H & R Bloke!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
High Court In California
High Court to visit California and look over some medicinal marijuana stores.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Consumer Warning
Home Health Agency says that have found trace of aspirin in strictnine for rats.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Consumer Alert!
Americans warned about "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here" signs.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Mums The Word
Barack Obama refuses to answer simple question from Rush Limbaugh, "Do you still beat your wife?"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
I Hate Everybody & Everything There Ever Was!
World's most suicidal terrorist found with eighteen nuclear weapons in his possession. "I'm taking everybody with me!"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Americans Pessimistic
Poll : 98% of Americans believe that America is off-track, headed across the field and over a cliff into an oil spill below.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Not Cooperating
2010 Census already having trouble with getting information from the four families in Wyoming.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
New iPod Size Of Pinhead
Apple announces the smallest iPod yet. Can download 10,000 songs. It's the size of a pinhead. Bought by same.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Tiger Woods Changes Sports!
Tiger Woods retires from golf to take up "The Sport Of Women">
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Obama Practises Watching US Lose To Poor Countries
Barack Obama watched the US lose to Ghana, a poor third world nation with little or no infrastructure in order to gain experience to cope with the impending loss in Afghanistan.
written by ronin47empire, 27 June 2010
Biden Not Worried About Unemployment
Biden: We Can't Recover All the Jobs Lost. Jobless response? "We can sure recover yours."
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Could Be True
Why Botox jabs could leave you emotionally uptight! "Is this good or bad?", asks tight-faced 90-year old. "Should we show displeasure, annoyance, or clap our hands in delight?"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Easily Said, Not So Easily Done!
Unemployed to be told 'move to parts of the country where there are jobs' Citizens ask, "Who would buy our house here in the pits?"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
England Versus Germany
A nation holds it breath: England fans face another nerve-jangling World Cup showdown with Germany. "This one will be fought in the trenches", says coach.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
EU Bans Eggs By Dozen #2
EU to ban selling eggs by the dozen,chickens by the pound. Then fight breaks out over which came first.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
EU Bans Dozens Of Eggs
EU to ban selling eggs by the dozen. Several other less important programs launched.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Abbott Called Racist
Diane Abbott fumes after being branded a racist on TV by This Week host, Grand Wizard Andrew Neill!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
EU To Ban Selling Eggs By Dozen
EU to ban selling eggs by the dozen: Shopkeepers' fury as they are told all food must be weighed and sold by the kilo. Expect egg-throwing protests in the near future.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Howls In Protest
Frenchman who ate cellmate's lung during a full moon gets 30 years jail.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
In Stall Ment Plan
Commode Store now selling products on the installment plan.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
HK Air Pollution
Hong Kong air pollution blamed on political system, production of cloud factories.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Geithner Distracted
Geithner: Keeping recovery on crack is top frucus. That should be, "keeping recovery on track is top focus. Ask lady reporter on front row not to bend over front wise, please."
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
NKorea Leader Criticized
Obama, Lee criticize North Korea on ship sinking. Insult Kim saying that he looks nothing like his hero, "Gladstone Gander".
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
NKorea Criticized
Obama, Lee criticize North Korea on ship sinking, launching test rockets without actually knowing where they will land.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Hurricane Alex To Miss Oil Spill
Tropical Storm Alex heads away from oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. But Hurricane Blackwater begins to develop.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Gesundheit !
Kyrgyzstan holds vote only weeks after riots in capitol, Kryskzmusizectican, over how to pronounce city name.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Trains Bump In India
Trains in India mildly bump into each other but 12,000-plus aboard slightly injured.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Can Ride Bike W/O Busting balls
San Francisco hosts 40th annual Gay Pride Parade. Typical audience reaction: "I don't see what nude guy on bike is so proud about."
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
#2's Disagree
Vatican #2 increases criticism of Belgian raids. Al Qaida #2 condemns Vatican #2 for criticizing trying to see if children are OK.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Tails Up Again!
World's biggest gold coin fetches over 3 million euros. Flattens buyer as he tries to wheel it out to car.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
19 Of 20 Want Spending Cuts
World leaders struggle for common economic ground. Obama the only one who wants to raise debt. "They might get mad at me if I cut programs here."
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Bionic Cat: Further Tails
Bionic British cat gets faux paws, baiting dogs to chase it.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Be Prepared
Gulf oil spill: Raising awareness that we could spill this stuff at any time. Also, nuclear weapons could zigzag all over the sky if older one fired. Also, we may as well kiss our asses goodbye!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Lunar Eclipse
Partial lunar eclipse visible in western skies arises just in time for Twilight Eclipse.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Salt Talks
Small fraction of Americans meet SALT guidelines & never disarmed. I'm sorry, that should be salt. We're eating too much salt, apparently.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Experiment Victims Not Aliens
Government documents show extensive efforts to remove vast amounts of waste & contaminants from Plum Island, site of top-secret Army germ warfare research and possibly cause of 'aliens' being sited.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Bionic Cat Could Inspire Bionic Coyote
Bionic British cat gets faux paws getting fat on catching road runners. Wiley Coyote may have lower part of legs removed.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Panera Co. Test Non-Profit Eateries
Panera Co. to open more pay-what-you-wish eateries. Losing money on fatsos, gaining on picky eaters comes out even!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
We Lose!
World's biggest gold coin fetches over 3 million euros. Dropped and landed on tails if anyone superstitious.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
New Tests
Scientists say test could predict menopause. PMS outbreaks!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Ghana Be Rough
Ghana eliminates US for 2nd straight World Cup. "It's Ghana be rough going home after losing to the same guys", states coach.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
40th Gay Pride
SF gay pride event celebrates 40th anniversary and frightened by the face of Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Cycle Sales Set to Soar
... as the coalition government tell the unemployed to "get on your bike"
written by IN SEINE, 27 June 2010
This world cup is like WWII:
... The French surrendered early, the Americans turned up late leaving England to fight the Germans"
written by anthonyrosania, 27 June 2010
Tough Peruvian Judge
A Peruvian judge on Friday denied a defense motion to void the confession of Joran van der Slut in the murder of a 21-year-old Lima student. "This isn't the wrist-slapping US says judge.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Health Care Heat
It's the first of summer and already there is record heat. In a statement, Sarah Palin blamed the heat & humility on Obama's healthcare plan.
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Three More Hole, Hole, Holes!
The latest excuse from BP Oil: Wouldn't it make a great Christmas to have the oil leak stopped?
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
"Curling" Eliminated
The Winter Olympic committee has ruled that there will be no "Curling" in the next Olympics. It will be replaced by "Moeing!" Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
All Votes Gotten
50 more vuvuzela stories and zilch! Monkey Woods gathered all the numbers there!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Drug Addiction Bad In Afghanistan
Report: Afghan drug addiction twice global average! Ozzy: Pack your bags guys!
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #11
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Coke On The Water!"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #10
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "What's Going On (What's Coming In).
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #9
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Papa's Got A Brand New Oil Bag!"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #8
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Born To Run (For 2-3 Years).
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #7
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "The Beaches They Are A-Changing".
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
CEO Blues #6
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Syrple Haze!"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #5
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "Gooie Gooie, Bop Bop Toward Shore I Go!"
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #4
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "When pelicans Cry".
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
Aliens Have Landed!
Aliens landed in Parliment Square today. Asked why they were here, Yaki Dermi, Leader of the Zednod People from the planet Zonk, Said; "We came here looking for intelligent life, we made a mistake"
written by armfeetandtoe, 27 June 2010
Where Does the Buck Stop?
Democrats have realized they cannot milk the "it's Bush 43's fault" cow anymore, almost three years into the Obama presidency. Animal rights groups will now be the "prime" candidates!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 June 2010
VP Biden Does it Again
Vice President Biden has suggested that to win the war, Afghanistan must be broken up into three countries. The new countries would be named AFG, HANI and STAN!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 June 2010
Obama's Federal Health Care Program
President Obama says the federal government is so bloated it needs an enema. The president has made an executive decision to start with the Interior department/MMM followed by the EPA!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 June 2010
Dumb Lawsuit
Civil rights group sues chef for using white pepper vice black pepper while he was preparing cheeseburgers! Dummies, both varieties come from the same plant.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 June 2010
What Next?
A leading game equipment manufacturer has announced that their new portable devices will have cell phone capability!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 June 2010
Short Joy Ride
Moron steals new automobile from dealership then lifts license plates from a parked car. Police arrest suspect driving fast through a school zone, as plates identified a repeat DWI offender!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 June 2010
Political Snippets are Currently Democratic Orientated
After the 2010 elections when Republicans control Congress, next year's snippets should have a different political flavor. If not, just erase Democrat & pencil in Republican to this year's snippets!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 June 2010
New San Francisco Law
San Francisco CA law now requires posting warning signs about exposure to cell phone radiation causing penises to fall off. Some city residents are asking what a penis was doing with a cell phone.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 June 2010
Another Federal Regulation
The TSA has added another procedure to airport security check in. As part of the security screening there will also be a clean underwear check employing the scanners, prior to boarding the airplane.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 June 2010
A War of Words
Iranian President Ahmadinejad reprimanded Kim Jong il about North Korea blaming an Iranian torpedo for sinking a South Korean warship. He added that the nuclear weapon NK sold Iran was a dud. Oops!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #3
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "I See A White Beach & I Want It Painted Black".
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
The CEO Blues #2
While he was on his yacht last weekend, BP's Tony Hayward forbid anyone with radio to play the song, "A Change Of Oil Is Gonna Come".
written by Bureau, 27 June 2010
