Obama: "Obama's Upset!"
Judge blocks Obama's offshore drilling moratorium. Obama falls on the floor and kicks around in circles like Curley!
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Looked Familiar
Witnesses say the tall empty-eyed man walked funny and kept saying, Brains! I snorted my father's ashes! Brains!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
It's The Old Lady
Insurance salesman loses contract after gas attack at couple's home blames it on Tall Alice, the witch.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
"It's Tall Alice Again!"
Citizens of Bear Wallow, Kentucky blame losing socks in the dryer on local witch.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
I'm Outa Here #2
Employee quits service station job after every can of oil he opens either contains whupass or pea soup!
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
I'm Outa Here
Employee quits service station job after the S falls off the SHELL sign for the seventh time!
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Breaking News: Snippets Removed Without Explanation
The C.I.A. is currently looking into how snippets written for a popular satire website are removed without a word of explanation for the editors! Charges are not expected to be filed.
written by anthonyrosania, 22 June 2010
Shithead Nabs Nemesis
Local cop in French Lick, Indiana finally catches kids planting crabgrass on his lawn that always "Shithead" until he mows it every third day.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Hilton Perez Videos Self Getting Out of Shower....
...sells footage as internet short.
written by Mr. Staypuf, 22 June 2010
Cut Salt, Say Government Advisers
Gov advisers say to cut salt out of your diet. American tax payers, who the advisers work for say "Cut yourself out of my personal business you pompous bloviating jerks." Feds threaten to ban salt.
written by SirBeavis, 22 June 2010
Wives To Submit
Vicar outrages congregation by telling women to 'be silent and submit to your husbands'. Wife on the way home, "I submit that you are sleeping on the couch tonight!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Think You're Safe At Home
'Decent middle-aged man' spared jail time after defending himself against teen, who broke into his house, with meat cleaver and wood chipper.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Before Twilight #20
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "The Last Puncture Show!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Before Twilight #19
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Close Encounters Of The Close Kin!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Before Twilight #18
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Dire Wolf! Dire He Is Again!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Before Twilight #17
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Really, Really Dead At The Box Office!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Before Twilight #16
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Bat On A Hot Tin Roof!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Before Twilight #15
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Garlic & Old Lace!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Before Twilight #14
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "Who's Afraid Of Jacob The Wolf?"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Before Twilight #13
One rejected title of the Twilight series before the author came up with "Twilight" was, "The Wild Munch!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Obama: Folks I Have Good News
Nigerian foreign minister tells Obama that his country can spot him 10-15 trillion dollars if US can come up with ten billion dollar fee for opening Swiss account plus expenses.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
3 in 3 French Children Expected to Survive World Cup Fallout
French Boys confirm their #1 worry is NOT the Football team but dealing with having names of girls like Michelle and Rene.Girls confirm their #1 worry is treating males such as these as future mates
written by ronin47empire, 22 June 2010
England Squad Breakthrough!
During training this morning, an astounding moment of clarity, and knowledge, was witnessed when Wayne Roony pointed at the net and said; "Is det dur gooool"?
Fabio declared; "Ice creams all round"!
written by armfeetandtoe, 22 June 2010
PLO, Israel Agree On One Thing
PLO, Israel agree on mutual dissatisfaction of the United States. Getting these two together could win President Barack Obama another Nobel Peace Prize.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Clown Down!!
Tragedy at the Barnum Bailey/Ringling Brothers headquarters when a 40th clown try to enter a car. "That Ringmaster miscounting clowns cost us 40 good men", stated Chuck Ringling.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Elvis May Top List
Oprah has announced that she will have "Specials" after her show closes, where she will have psychics help her chat with departed stars of Hollywood, etc.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Safe Snacks At Sports #10
The Surgeon General has determined that "Tofu Wild Wings" are a safe snack during sporting events.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Safe Snacks At Sports #9
The Surgeon General has determined that "Big Roasted Fig" is a safe snack during sporting events.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Safe Snacks At Sports #8
The Surgeon General has determined that "Oscar Meyer Little Gosselin Weeners" are a safe snack during sporting events.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Safe Snacks At Sports #7
The Surgeon General has determined that "Candy Ass Apples" are a safe snack during sporting events.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Safe Snacks At Sports #6
The Surgeon General has determined that "Veggie & Tofurkey Pizzas" are a safe snack during sporting events.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Safe Snacks At Sports #5
The Surgeon General has determined that "Chicken Feet Chili" are a safe snack during sporting events.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Safe Snacks At Sports #4
The Surgeon General has determined that "Hotfrogs & Natural Mustard" are a safe snack during sporting events.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Safe Snacks At Sports #3
The Surgeon General has determined that "Oven Baked Panchos" are a safe snack during sporting events.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Safe Snacks At Sports #2
The Surgeon General has determined that "organic sea salted cow chips" are a safe snack during sporting events.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Safe Snack At Sports
The Surgeon General has determined that "Yogurt Pretzels" are a safe snack during sporting events.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Stop Eating Junk!
Up to 40,000 a year killed by junk food, says health watchdog. "Eating old rusted metal objects the worse kind of junk", says lead Watchdog.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Mother Goose Dead?
Sick thug who tore the head off live goose in busy park is jailed. Claims it reminded him of "Mother"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Another Spill
The UK's largest oil refinery came under fire from a conservation group today after a spill on the south coast left oil pouring from a pipeline. Esso's name changed to Asso!
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Drunken GP
Fit to practice? The drunken GP who fondled staff and watched porn on his surgery computer claims "that's par for the course, Which remind me. "Nurse close up here , I'm headed for the links."
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
A Cutting We Will Go!
BUDGET 2010 LIVE: Bloody George wields the axe - Public spending and welfare slashed! Draws the name, "George The Ripper".
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Sir Stanley Matthews Grave Disturbed
M E Stoker, caretaker, explained that no permanent damage had been done. It was just Sir Stanley turning in his grave!
written by Inchcock, 22 June 2010
Sir Stanley Matthews Grave Disturbed Again
M E Stoker, caretaker, explained that no permanent damage had been done. It was just Sir Stanley turning in his grave, and the tears of shame and laughter loosened the surrounding soil!
written by Inchcock, 22 June 2010
New Orleans Ad Very Offensive
New Orleans pulls tourism ad deemed "anti-British" by using Randy Newman's "Let's Drop The Big One Now!" Reminded that Americans, others own major stock in BP!
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Jimmy Buffett #3
Jimmy Buffett plans free concert on Alabama beach, featuring new hit "Let's Get Drunk & Screw The Oil Company".
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Jimmy Buffett Trying To Help!
Jimmy Buffett plans free concert on Alabama beach. Will feature new hit, "Oil Booger In Paradise"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Big Waves, Slippery Beaches
Jimmy Buffett plans free concert on Alabama beach. To feature new hit, "What About The Soil With A Tsumani Of Oil?"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
"But Doc, MRI For Toenail Fungus?"
ER doctors: Lawsuit fears lead to overtesting. "If we don't test the patient for everything, we might get sued."
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
FCC Into Dramatic Pleas
FCC asks: Do media ownership limits make sense? If you cut us, do we not bleed?
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Licenses To Thrill!
Calif. license plates might go digital, show stripper ads.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Death Fears Back!
World stocks down as Europe death fears creep back. I'm sorry, that should be "debt fears".
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Obama To Reveal All!
AP sources: Obama to reveal health law details as he's now halfway through reading budget he approved.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Oil Spill Threatens All Lif On Gulf
Oil threatens key Gulf algae and its ecosystem. Oh, and let's not forget, human beings.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Iran Pushes Against Israel
Iran to send aid ship to Gaza. Saudis once again tell Israel they can fly in their air space.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Average Guy Screwed Again
Britons brace for tough emergency budget after leaders overspend, steal funds for years.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Apparently Sex Does Still Work In Business Deals
Amazon cuts Kindle price to $189 after Nookie move!
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
7th Graders Make Discovery
7th-Graders Discover Mysterious Cave on Mars! Houston amazed! "How did those kids manage to get there?"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Neb. City Votes Againsy Illegal Immigration
Neb. city votes to restrict illegal immigration. "We are happy with he 780 people living here legally."
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Need Rigs To Get Going
Gulf rig owner criticizes Obama's drilling halt. "Do you want Gulf full of oil and none at the gas stations?"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Not Disney World This Year
"Lakers star Kobe Bryant, where are you going after winning a second NBA title?' "I'm going to Florida Coast and see the biggest screw-up in US history!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
New Florida Ads
Florida launching new wave of national vacation invitations:
"Come see the world's biggest screw-up first hand!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Europeans To Spend More
Europeans to spend a bit more on summer holidays. Not by decision. Everything just costs more than this time last year.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Can Earth Survive?
The millions of gallons of oil hemorrhaging into the Gulf of Mexico every day is a crude reminder of the many ways humans are fouling the planet. Sorry 'bout the "crude" pun.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
SpaghttiO's Recall #2
SpaghettiOs Recall: After study, FDA finds it's not really considered "Food"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
SpaghettiO's Recall
SpaghettiOs Recall: How Unsafe Food Is Pulled from Shops! Surprisingly, it's only on a volunteer basis!
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Prisoner release Could Backfire
Afghanistan: Karzai's Prisoner-Release Plan May Backfire and backfires pretty deadly in Afghanistan!
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
FDA: No Hurry
FDA takes its time on tobacco regulations. Say they will wait until lobby contributions are over after fall elections.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Receives Marriage Offers
Report: Van der Slut boasts of marriage offers. "Must be a lot of death-wishes out there."
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Van Der Slut Withdraws Confession
Report: Van der Slut retracts murder confession! "Just having you on for a bit!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Canada Economy Envied
Canada's economy is suddenly the envy of the world. "Not used to this much attention", says PM.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Seventh Graders Discover Caves
7th-Graders Discover Mysterious Cave on Mars while studying photographs. See them explore those caves in Disney's "The Caves Of Mars" this weekend at the cinema!
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Tea Party Split
Tea party split in Utah Republican Senate primary. Coffee Party studying results.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Obama's Drilling Halt
Gulf rig owner criticizes Obama's drilling halt. "Mexico is gearing up for drilling in the same area."
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
England make request to FIFA
England have put forward a request to FIFA asking if they can play the game against Slovenia on Xbox Live as Capello's men feel they will have more of a chance of success in South Africa this way.
written by JackLenny, 22 June 2010
Rooney seeks advice from Fergie
England striker Wayne Rooney has been receiving late night phone calls from The Dutchess of York, Sarah Ferguson in a bid to improve his performance on the pitch and financial situation.
written by JackLenny, 22 June 2010
A rose by any other name
Scientists map genome sequence of human body lice, say it reveals lice have a poor sense of smell. Lucky for them, because many of the people they live on are stinky.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 22 June 2010
Politician's Essential Requirements Declared
They must be nepotistic, greedy, fiddling, and to use unethical ways to protect, defend, or benefit their own standing, power, and wealth, to anyone else's expense or suffering.
written by Inchcock, 22 June 2010
Woman Shoots Self in Shoulder to Ease Rotator Cuff Pain
Thank God she didn't have a headache!
written by Charpa93, 22 June 2010
Soon, Relatively Speaking
President Barack Obama told Gulf citizens that well should be fixed soon. Also "I plan at least a couple dozen trips back here."
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
So Far So Good!
BP says that at least only ugly creatures dying from oil spill. "Not a mermaid one!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Nkorean Slave Market
North Korea accused by UN of trading slaves for nuclear weapons parts.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
NKorean Hackers
Hubble telescope computer sends back photos of mice eating green cheese on the moon. North Koreans hackers told to quit screwing around.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Wait Till Games Over
President Obama say that he will tackle the gulf oil leak problem even harder once Americans settle down their wild excitement Over World Cup Games.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
"The Little People"
Tony Hayward, CEO of BC Oil Company apologizes for being rich and not giving a rats ass for those too lazy to make their own money.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Always Running Late
Archeologists say that people have always been running late. Point to human hams between dinosaur skeletons's toes.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Total Recall!
All toys, gadgets, paint, human & animal food from China recalled.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Need To Lose Weight #7
You know you're needing to lose weight when you overhear people on the beach say "Mama, Mama Look! Will it breathe fire?"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Need To Lose Weight #6
You know you're needing to lose weight when you overhear people on the beach say "Is that a girl or a buoy?"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Need To Lose'Weight #5
You know you're needing to lose weight when you overhear people on the beach say "Mama, will she sing for us when it's time to go home?"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Need To Lose Weight #4
You know you're needing to lose weight when you overhear people on the beach sing "You're once, twice, three times a lady".
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Need To Lose Weight #3
You know you're needing to lose weight when you overhear people on the beach say "The sun has gone in! No, it's behind that fat man!"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Need To Lose Weight #2
You know you're needing to lose weight when you overhear people on the beach say "Why isn't she tethered down?"
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
Need To Lose Weight
You know you're needing to lose weight when you overhear people on the beach begin their "Free Willy" chants.
written by Bureau, 22 June 2010
