That's What We Figured
WIRE: Obama oil spill commission picked for their politics, not engineering skill. "I owe them all political favors."
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Fan To Sue Shit
Fan says that it will sue Shit for assault because it hit it when it wasn't looking, but Shit says "Let it. I don't give a shit. I've never been a big fan of his, anyway."
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Faceoff In Mideast
US, Israel Warships in Suez May Be Prelude to Faceoff with Iran. Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia repeats for 12th time, that it's OK to use their air space.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Sure They Are
US, Israel Warships in Suez May Be Prelude to Faceoff with Iran. Or they could just be there for Rahm Emanuel's son's bar Mitzvah.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
A Moment With Al Gore
Al Gore says that people who don't believe in global warming are nuts. Then began a song as per his usual speech: "There's no such thing as Mother Goose, Disneyland or Dr. Seuss, no nursery rhymes."
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Minimum Wage Reality
UK budget predictions show that the newly elected coalition government will introduce a "Minimum Wage For All UK Tax Payers" policy that will run for one year and clear the UK deficit in one!
written by iscrivener, 20 June 2010
Let Them Drink Tizer
In an effort to to prove that "we are all in it together", the government is to sell off its entire cellar of wine. Estimated value £850,000. They intend buying £5,000 worth of Tizer for banquets.
written by IN SEINE, 20 June 2010
Police Deny Story
Police denied they keep thier sandwiches under thier helmets. When Inspector Crisphaket was asked why he smelt of fried bacon, he said; " I ave been arrestin a suspect in the local cafeteria.
written by armfeetandtoe, 20 June 2010
Fleas company!
Mr Albert Scratchit say's he could have sworn he heard his body lice singing; "You've got me under your skin" whilst laying in bed last night.
written by armfeetandtoe, 20 June 2010
Fan who entered England dressing room was 'just looking for the toilet'
Where he thought the team had deposited his hopes and dreams
written by Roy Turse, 20 June 2010
Plus He's Completely Nude
O J Simpson moved to yet another cell as still another roommate says he "air" knifes people in his sleep.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Need To Have Pilot's License
Manute Bol dead after hitting his head on lawn chair of man aloft in helium balloons.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Paypal Good With Big Al
PayPal to become a way to pay for Facebook ads, loans from Big Al Delucci. He always calls customers, "Pal".
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
New Safety Measure
Airlines installing scales for weight for fatsos under seats. Will balance both sides of the plane before takeoff!
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Game Back On!
Tiger Woods is now in third place at PGA Tourney. Blames female streaker for bogeying first 2 holes.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Gulf Not The Only Leak
FANNIE AND FREDDIE tab 146B and rising; Foreclosed on home every 90 seconds. National debt to China at record levels.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Obama, GOP At Odds
Obama says Republicans making life harder for the jobless. GOP says there shouldn't be this much joblessness.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Princess Marries Personal Trainer
Sweden celebrates as princess marries her personal trainer in biggest royal wedding for decades. "He really showed me the ropes", states Princess, as they tie the knot.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Bimbos Smarter Than Previously Thought
Why 'bimbos' like the late Anna Nicole Smith are cleverer than they seem. "Muffins manage to get YOUR money, don't they?"
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Blow Me Down
Wind turbines with blades bigger than the London Eye could be the future of green energy. Blowing a vuvuzela behind one will be illegal with heavy charges.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Legalized Muggers Banned?
Government to ban 'legalised muggers' who charge up to £800 to release cars, £1200 to release hostages.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Cameron Wants More Patriotism
Cameron wants country to show greater appreciation for armed forces 'more loudly and more proudly', as many youth respond with, "We have an Armed Forces?"
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Manute Bol Dies
Manute Bol, NBA player-humanitarian, dies at 47. Will have 20 pall bearers at funeral.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Toy Story 3 The Buzz Here
'Toy Story 3' lives up to buzz (sorry Cup fans) with $41M opener!
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Bushmeat In Paris
Tons of bushmeat smuggled into Paris, study finds. "Look at contents label of canned meat for monkey ass, lizard tails, etc.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
We'll Get Back To You
US decision on ethanol blend, everything else put off until fall, maybe winter.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Highly Paid Panel To Submit Policy
Obama spill panel big on policy, not engineering. "Why can't we just cork it?"
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Kagan Conclusion
Kagan unscathed after revelations from past. No more dishonest that the other eight.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Police Case Unusual
Local man flips out, kills himself and then wounds three others in Bear Wallow, Kentucky.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Santos Favored To Win
Santos very highly favored in Colombia fixed vote.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Some Not Even Watching Games!
Huge crowds at South African games still buzzing about...well, still buzzing about everything!
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Best Way To Communicate
Twitter traffic spikes with World Cup goals as those at the games can no longer hear each other's voices over buzz!
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Change Of Heart
A Hong Kong publisher scraps plans to publish alleged insider account of Beijing's decision-making behind the 1989 Tiananmen Square crackdown because of copyright, wishing to stay alive, problems.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Hurricanes More Important This Season
Tropical Storm Celia near cusp of hurricane force in Pacific. Meanwhile Gulf residents watching the weather close from the Atlantic.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Combining Global Leadership
France, Russia vow to promote global role of G-20. Led by Putin, Sarkozy of course.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Gulf Liberation Army Forming!
White House chief: Yacht trip another gaffe by BP. BP Chief: Obama and Biden golf weekend another gaffe by U.S leaders.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Replacing Rockefellers and Morgans?
Saudi investor prince meets with Qatar wealth fund. Light cigarettes with $1,000 dollar bills.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Army Attacks Suicide Numbers
A victory as the US Army mounts anti-suicide campaign. Unfortunately, the Taliban and Al-Qaida take the opposite approach.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Gulf Oil Spill #2
Authorities say oil leak could continue for 2-3 years. By then, we may be pumping salt water out of oil.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Gulf Oil Spill
Authorities say oil leak could continue for 2-3 years. BP CEO "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Say that again"
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Weekly Flooding
Flooding hits ________, several swept away in once in a 1,000-year disaster. This seems to be happening weekly in a different location. Many blame Al Gore.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
They Talk But They Do Not Walk
BP CEO's yacht outing infuriates Gulf residents. Obama and Biden having a day of golf not exactly favored either.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Indian-Americans Running For Office
Record number of Indian-Americans seeking office as opposed to American-Indians. The only native American I recall, was Nader's running mate in 2000.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Brown Was Absent from Ex-Chancellors Meeting
When George Osborne invited former chancellors to lunch to offer words of wisdom, ex-Chancellor and ex-Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was noticeably absent. Apparently he had no wisdom to give.
written by IN SEINE, 20 June 2010
Democrats insulted by BP "Small People" Remark.
Dems find the term insulting due to a belief that only Dems care about and are allowed to use terms like: little guy, average guy, common American, main street or any other term to describe non elites
written by SirBeavis, 20 June 2010
Bugs Bunny Laid to Rest
Bugs Bunny was put down today after being diagnosed with rabies. Vet was visibly shaken after Bugs's last words "Whats up doc? Say thats a big needle..."
written by Andrew Hatch, 20 June 2010
Hand Game Olympics
In a stunning victory over paper, scissors advances to the finals where it will face returning champion rock. Showdown live tomorrow on ESPN2.
written by Andrew Hatch, 20 June 2010
Weight Loss Tip!*
Tired of diets? Studies show that if you just hold your breath for 20 consecutive minutes every day you can lose up to 98% of your body weight in 1 week. *Side effects may include death.
written by Andrew Hatch, 20 June 2010
Army Ants Have The Bomb
Military Intel has reason to believe that Army Ants in the jungles of Brazil may have gained uranium enriching technology. This could pose a major threat to US pesticide corporations.
written by Andrew Hatch, 20 June 2010
Oh, ship!
In an ironic twist, ships tending to the BP oil spill have run out of fuel, leaving them stranded in the Gulf of Mexico. A rescue operation is under way.
written by Nick Carr, 20 June 2010
Beyonce To Release Vuvuzela Single.
Can't be worse than 'All The Single Ladies Put A Ring On It' say industry insiders.
written by Skoob1999, 20 June 2010
Talking Heads Complain
Authorities are investigating 40 human heads found on a Southwest Airlines flight. Authorities were alerted after the heads complained about having to purchase 40 seats when 3 would have been plenty.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Give Us Some Time
As Pay Czar Promises Money, Workers Turned Away From BP Claims Center! "We didn't say when!"
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Everybody's Going Somewhere
BP CEO GOES SAILING! OBAMA GOES GOLFING! GULF OF MEXICO GOES TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET!
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
When Childrens' Shows Hit The Silver Screen. #4
The Academy Award for Best Song in a Feature Film goes to...
"I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the MAP!", Dora the Explorer, the Search for Backpack."
written by anthonyrosania, 20 June 2010
When Childrens' Shows Hit The Silver Screen. #3
Coming Soon: From the company that brought you "Deep Inside Betty White", Vivid Elegance Video presents Po, the Teletubby who got nasty, in "Give Po All Your Tubby Custard."
written by anthonyrosania, 20 June 2010
Things Looking Up!
Obama disagrees with General, says some progress has been made in Afghanistan, "The first Farfalle Hut has reopened in Islamabad!"
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Texas Census
Man in Texas says that he didn't believe that "How Many Inches" was on that Census Worker's list of questions.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Deeper Well
Leaking oil well deeper than originally told, as buried cabbage from Korea begins washing ashore.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Suit Sound Doubtfull
Authorities suspicious of Arkansas family showing baited hook son found in spaghetti at Pizza Pizza chain restaurant. "That was one of Old John's "Catfish Magic flies. Who'd bait that hook?"
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
In Addition To Health Care Plan
President Obama once again carefully explains that people can still keep their private insurance. "If you want your privates insured, that's fine with me."
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Fed Agrees With Russian Proposal
Fed Chairman Bernanke says that a universal currency could be great. "Since dollars would be worthless, we'd print and pay off all our debts right before changing currency."
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
When Childrens' Shows Hit The Silver Screen. #2
Coming soon, from Judd Apatow and Dreamworks Entertainment, Russell Brand, Jason Biggs, Paul Rudd, and Jason Segel in "The Wiggles: Untalented Basterds."
written by anthonyrosania, 20 June 2010
Baskins Robbins #13
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Peter Butter Pecan", the least favorite of their customers.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Baskins Robbins #12
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "French Bordello", the least favorite of their customers.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Baskins Robbins #11
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Very Beery Curry", the least favorite of their customers.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
When Childrens' Shows Hit The Silver Screen. #1
America Ferrera is Dora, The Stone Roses' Ian Brown is Boots, in "Dora the Explorer: The Search For Backpack."
written by anthonyrosania, 20 June 2010
When Reality Shows Hit The Silver Screen. #1
Rob Schneider is Jon;
Jane Kaczmarek is Kate, in "Jon and Kate Plus 8: The Movie." Starts September 13th, only in Theaters.
written by anthonyrosania, 20 June 2010
Texting While Driving Solution
A contest was held to find the best solution to stop people from texting while driving. The winner was a small plate mounted under the driver's butt that administers a non lethal Taser-like shock.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
President Obama looked in his White House bathroom Mirror and saw Former President Jimmy Carter smiling and saying "Hello fellow one termer!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
HHS Senior Citizen Advisor Appointed
Now that health care reform is law various high level appointments have been made by the Obama administration. Dr. Jack Kevorkian has been designated as HHS's Senior Citizen Advisor!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
EPA Sues NASA
The EPA has filed an environmental lawsuit against NASA. The suit alleges NASA's Mars Lander destroyed a wetland on Mars, while searching for liquid water.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
Baltimore MD Bottle Tax
A hotly contested 4 cent per bottle tax on some drinks, to help balance the city's budget, was defeated. Proponents say that once beer bottles are removed, the bill stands a chance of passing!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
Yes It's a Bad Spill, But……….
President Obama declares a moratorium on off shore oil drilling because of the BP oil leak. That's like spilling a gallon of milk at the supermarket and then shooting all the dairy cows!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
Take Me to your Leader
The BP oil leak in the gulf has caused President Obama to be in "deep Yorkshire pudding" when it comes to demonstrating leadership skills!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
Major News Organizations Boycott Royal Wedding
Harry Royal married Sadie Jones in a gala Chicago IL wedding, but Reuters, Associated Press, Fox News and CNN never showed up for the festivities!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
Different Strokes
Iranian cleric issues a fatwa against unclean dogs! Not to be outdone, publisher Hugh Hefner issues an editorial about unclean pussies!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
Wright Brothers Cancel First Airplane Flight
Dec. 17, 1903 the Wright brothers cancelled their first heavier than air flight! EPA said the airplane had no permit, emitted gasoline fumes & CO2, and made noise. FAA also required a flight plan.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
Gridlock Defined
President Obama blames Republicans for "Gridlock!" Republicans say Gridlock is not allowing excessive Democratic liberal left wing spending to cause the national debt to becoming $20 trillion!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
BP News Correction
UK environmentalists were seen on the Isle of Wight cheering & waving at BP CEO Tony Hayward, as the yacht he was on went by under sail power only. Oh, correction they were jeering & waving ropes!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
White House to be Torn Down
EPA determines the White House is built on top of a toxic waste dump, as President George Washington never filed an environmental impact statement. The first family is moving in with VP Biden.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
No Takers
Environmentalists complain of air pollution from burning off spilled oil in the gulf. The USCG has offered these activists 1 gallon jugs to 50 gallon drums, if they would rather take some oil home!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
EPA Warning
EPA warns Americans to be careful they don't cause an oil spill when opening a can of sardines. Warning labels won't be mandated, as no USA Company packs sardines anymore!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 June 2010
Baskins Robbins #10
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Neapolitan Pine", the least favorite of their customers.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Baskins Robbins #9
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Spleen Praline", the least favorite of their customers.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Baskins Robbins #9
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Haggis Fudge Ripple", the least favorite of their customers.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Baskins Robbins #8
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Cottage Cheese Freeze", the least favorite of their customers.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Baskins Robbins #7
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Tapioca Mocha", the least favorite of their customers.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
Baskins Robbins #6
Baskins Robbins ice cream, in order to cut costs, have decided to eliminate their "Wasabe & Walnut Cream Swirl", the least favorite of their customers.
written by Bureau, 20 June 2010
