BP: Bend U.S. over the Barrell
BP has offered a fiver to anyone that shows USA plc has caused disasters in their lands to claim damages against them. Iraq and Afghanistan can't enter the competition, nor Iran - erm - just in case!
written by The Big C O Jones, 16 June 2010
Another Magazine Bites The Dust
Doctor H. Lector's "Wine And Dine" Magazine to end publication by the end of the year.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
BP Releases Official Report On Oil Spill
They blame the captain of the Exxon Valdez
written by unknown
Limbaugh's Wife Mad Already
New wife a little sore at hubby Rush Limbaugh after he eats whole drawer full of edible panties. "You can't just eat one", claims Limbaugh.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Hard To Hind A Jury
Former VP and presidential candidate Al Gore was shot 1347 times today during his "Oil Slick Bringing Down Global Warming Unto Our Head". At least he don't have to worry about it", says one shooter.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Up To 600% Of Your Daily Requirements
Mister Natural Cereals has announced that they have the healthiest cereal yet. Sugar Marshmallow Vites. Bite-sized chunks of flavored marshmallows & sugar-coated vitamin crunch.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Good News For Bigasses
A new study says that fat people not only live longer but also have longer livers!
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Lady of 93 beaten up in street
93yr old Mrs pew was beaten up by a gang of skinheads in fulham southwest London.
When asked why he did not stop the beating, witness, Arthur Sputem replied; "I dont know who started it"!
written by armfeetandtoe, 16 June 2010
Should Have Read It Closer
Too late, Boomers find section 565 at bottom footnote on page 3489 Obama Health Bill says no one is to live past 69.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
The Fat Facts
New Jersey insurer to face questioning over rate hike. Agree to lower it back if clients lose 75-100 pounds or pay double premium.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Pilot, BP Heroes!
A pilot from Virgin Airlines has safely landed his plane and all 300 passengers after losing all guidance systems. He landed in the Pensacola Oil Slick which floated the plane in on top of the water.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Tiger Woods "is back in the groove" and holing in ones again!
Tiger Woods has admitted I'm in the "groove" once more and boy is he feeling hot about it (so are his pussies waiting along the fairways hoping for a quick 'Birdie' and a 'hole in one')!
written by unknown
Boxer Wrong As Usual
Boxer declares global warming will be 'leading cause of conflict' wrong. Turns out to be left uppercut.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
EU Chief Has Visions
EU Chief lays out 'apocalpytic' vision as some countries run out of money. Others blow each other away.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Guess It Works
New Bill Gives Obama 'Kill Switch' To Shut Down The Internet At Will! Why the lowdown no-g............
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Twenty-Minute Meeting On Oil Spill!
President Obama finally meets with BP brass for TWENTY minutes after two months of oil spill. "It doesn't take long to kick ten asses", says President.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Obma Down, Congress Up
Obama approval ratings now at 42%, an all-time low. Congress actually improved from -5% to a -3%.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Former PM to audition for TV show
Former UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will audition for a spot on UK's Got Talent TV programme. Brown says he will balance a set of books on his elbow. What!!!?? He couldn't balance the economy.
written by whatinthe world, 16 June 2010
Using Snipped Rubber Gloves Instead Of Condoms
Victory for faith schools as Labour's recent sex education laws are being pissed down.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
"He's The Tax Man!"
Swiss to release Americans secret bank accounts. Give politicians a chance to pull their billions out before the tax man comes.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
"Not By The Hair Of My..."
New Tabloid reveals that Jay Leno has no hair on his chest as his chin wears it off during the night while he sleeps.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Viewers Want Reality
Television audience wants more reality shows. "Less canned laughter and more opened cans of whupass!"
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Keep Falling Off!
Ill-Fitting condoms blamed for lower use. New shops in China that make them think all Americans have whoppers after watching porn movies.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Aging Is Expensive
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea; You will go broke buying so many big diapers.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
400 Years Old
Scientists say living 300-400 years not such a good idea. "You'll wind up looking like Larry King or Nancy Pelosi with your face on top of your head.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
AA Needed For AA Pilots
Passengers accuse yet another American Airlines pilot of being drunk: "Iff youse look to your left you'll shee the right wing of de plane!"
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
He Can't Stop
US Panel on Bioterrorism Preparedness gives our government an "F". Then each one is kicked in the ass by President.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
It's Beans OR Beer!
Methane seen as growing climate risk as law passed that beans on toast must no longer be eaten with beer.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Ferengi In Afghanistan
UN forces disturbed as Ferengi spotted near newly-discovered mineral riches, apparently looking for gold-plated latinum.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Obama Speech Marred
Chinese accused of hacking into President's teleprompter again as audience shocked by unbleeped expletives.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Using Funhouse Technology
Latest: New full-length mirrors make you ass look smaller.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
The Wine Diet
Report: A glass of wine a day can help you stay slim, if you leave off the food. Study used 300 drunks for study.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Another Flop Predicted
Despite being a flop the first round, sequel to "Men Who Stare At Goats" entitled "Men Who Stare At Throats", a vampire movie, out in August.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Brain Scanner Latest
Brain scanners coming that can read minds. Over one million aluminum hats sold to date.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
French Retirement Age Higher
French workers' fury as retirement age is raised from 49 to 62!
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
"I'll Have Two Please"
Had a pint? Don't drive: Motorists may face lower limits and random tests. Pubs now serving 'Near Pints'.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Fair Trade Offender
Traffic PC jailed for having sex with women in exchange for letting them off driving offences, jaywalking, causing a disturbance (for those who refused).
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
No More Loud Barks!
The dogs that barked 800 times every hour and made neighbors' lives a 'living hell'. So owner sells dogs, buys night birds and roosters.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
UK Drought Continues
Drought warning for UK as country suffers driest start to year for almost 50 years, say authorities. "We're dry as a popcorn fart!"
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Ofsted: Nation's Learners At Fault
Almost half of all schools in England do not provide a good education, says Ofsted. "We need better teachers to learn students better."
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Unemployment Rises Again
Unemployment rises 23,000 to 2.47m as more than one in four working-age Britons now have no job. 50% of employed work for the government.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Not Many Left
Report: £50bn a year in welfare benefits is handed to the middle class. Most are asking, "WHAT middle class?"
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Your NHS At Work
A cancer sufferer was told he could not book a hospital appointment - because records showed he was dead. "I'm sorry but we have a policy against treating dead people..where are you calling from?"
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
What A Tip!
Keep the £250,000 tip! Pensioner leaves regular cabbie her entire estate in her will. "If I had known, I would have opened the door and got her into her wheel chair", says former cabbie, in Vegas.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Plane Craps On Car
Motorist's miracle escape as giant block of commode ice smashes through windscreen seconds after he leaves the car. "Worse than pigeons, they are!"
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
"Same Ole, Same Ole"
Obama vows to make 'reckless' BP pay for oil disaster... but says U.S. 'addiction to fossil fuels' must end. Quotes from President Kennedy's plans to leave fossil fuels behind & 60 year progress made.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Places Close To View Cup Games
Bangladesh asks shopping malls, movie theaters to close for Cup. All three agree.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Museum Has Jewish Life Exhibit
Museum presents exhibit on Jewish life in NC as both families were well-known.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
New NC Exhibit
Museum presents exhibit on Jewish life in NC, before being chased out by Billy Graham.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Especially The Fun Girls
Tax credits, fun girls and mud masks to boost Thai tourism.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
I Should Hope So
Initial stages of new Egypt museum completed, and before you ask, Yes, there will be mummies!
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
After Learning Who Free Performers Were
Free NYC concert canceled after crowd gets unruly. "Hanson? It's the Hanson?"
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Nepal Orders Probe
Nepal orders probe into slaughter of winos. Sorry, that should read "rhinos".
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Life Out There Somewhere
Scientists retrieve capsule, seeking asteroid dust, they find small amounts of poop.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Obama Plages To Gulf Coast
Gulf Coast welcomes Obama's pledge to restore land. President promises, "Within a hundred years, this will have corrected itself."
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Oil Spill Down?
Scientists: Oil leaking up to 2.52M gallons daily, could be a quart low.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Knew There Was A Catch
Free NYC concert canceled after crowd gets unruly at $10 hotdogs, $12 cokes.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Actually Both Are Correct
Oil hovers near Pensacola Beach as stock rally slows. Sorry, that should be "$77".
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
First One Dollar, Then Another
EPA: Climate bill costs less than postage stamp, even though no one expects it to work.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Engineer's Prediction True
BP engineer called doomed rig a 'nightmare well' says he will never prophesy again.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Whoever Did Whatever
Hispanic, what's his name, apparent winner in unusual NY election.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Laden Misunderstood
Pakistan: Doctor examines bin Laden hunter from US. "He has this unreasonable hatred towards Laden for some reason."
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Obama Faces BP
After blasting BP, Obama now faces its leaders while very angry over oil-squirting carnation on label joke.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
A Jewish man want his Trix
" Silly Rabbi, Trix are for kids" one Jewish boy said.
written by EXILAR, 16 June 2010
Germany hold it first "Blind Basketball"
The white team defeated the red team with the score of 2-0 in 21OT in the first blind basketball game. A blind man scored the winning basket with 2:42 minutes left in 21OT.
written by EXILAR, 16 June 2010
First thing Adam said to Eve 3#
"Ouch, what the.. what happen to my ribs" - Adam
written by EXILAR, 16 June 2010
First thing Adam said to Eve 2#
"No Eve, the leaf doesn't make you look fat" - Adam
written by EXILAR, 16 June 2010
New Contraceptives: Ray Guns
Geeks unlikely to get laid this decade have come up with a new contraceptive that involves shooting the genitals with rayguns. For full Story click here
written by ronin47empire, 16 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #36
The Brain of Pinky and The Brain for Orsen Welles, Citizen Kane. "We did use The Brain, actually. Listen to the voice! Couldn't you tell?"
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Rejected Jeopardy questions, #5
ANSWER: This ginger is stupid, and smells like the Clap, allegedly.
QUESTION: Who is Linsday Lohan?
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Rejected Jeopardy questions, #3
ANSWER: This brown hardwood item is nicknamed "The Louisville Slugger."
QUESTION: What is Muhammad Ali's penis?
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Rejected Jeopardy questions, #2
A.: Dog food and garbage pickings.
Q.: What is grandma going to eat until her foodstamps come?
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #35
George W. Bush instead of Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump: "Insert 'President Bush is a moron' joke here."
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #34
Selena Gomez instead of Thora Birch, American Beauty: "Well, we needed the topless scene, and Selena was, like, 4 when we filmed it. Thora was 7, so it was Ok."
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #33
Paris Hilton instead of Guy Who Got 'Curbed', American History X: "It would have made no sense in the movie, but it'd been great to see Paris get her head stomped on, right?"
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #32
Kristy McNichol instead of Jodie Foster, Taxi Driver: "We had both of those fine young gentleman audition, but we felt Jodie was the man for the job."
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #31
Sandra Oh instead of the Alien, Aliens: "Well, Sandra was much uglier than the original Alien, so continuity would have suffered. Also, who could stand looking at her that long. YUCK!"
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #30
Tina Fey instead of Olive Oyl, The Shining: "I gotta admit, Nicholson trying to kill Tina would've been entertaining. Hell, I'd back any movie in which Tina Fey got killed."
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #29
Kim Cattrall instead of Virginia Cherrill in Chaplin's third silent film, City Lights: "That was only 77 years ago. Kim was too old."
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #28
Ray Liotta instead of Joey Pants, Memento: "Who gives a sh-t, nobody saw the movie anyway."
written by anthonyrosania, 16 June 2010
Companies Applaud Citizens
Life insurance companies say that Americans live longer today than ever. "We couldn't be more happier for them."
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Lighter Oil At The End Of The Tunnel
BP spokesman says they can now see a light at the end of the tunnel, whenever the oil thins.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Also, More Cookie Breaks
Study reveals that home-schooled kids have a much higher attendance record.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
Keebler Sets Limits
Keebler products now allow for .005 percent rodent and elf feces.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
A Flakey Breakthrough
Scientists today say that they have learned to clone snowflakes exactly alike. No breakthrough on cancer.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
In World Cup News #11
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Tell Me What'd I Say!" are not selling well.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
In World Cup News #10
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Louie, Louie, Oh, Baby, Insane I Go!" are not selling well.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
In World Cup News #9
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "The Vuvuzela Shuffle" are not selling well.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
In World Cup News #8
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Red, Red Horn" are not selling well.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
In World Cup News #7
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "(I Can't Help) Falling Insane With You" are not selling well.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
In World Cup News #6
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Gettin' Vuvuzela Wid It" are not selling well.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
In World Cup News #5
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Break Down Tonight" are not selling well.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
In World Cup News #4
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "The Vuvuzela Polka" are not selling well.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
In World Cup News #3
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Bad, Bad, Leroy Blown!" are not selling well.
written by Bureau, 16 June 2010
