Judge: You're Starting To Make Me Angry
Statistics that there were 70,000 burglars in England misleading. There were only 10,000 burglars but averaged getting caught and released seven times each.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Solar Flares
NASA says that the sudden solar flares are on their way. Look for warning like, you suddenly take a step and you leave the shoe sole bubbling on the sidewalk.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
How About Big Polluter?
British Petroleum trying to change name to Barack Petroleum but rejected by President. "It's Bad Publicity!"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Smaller Ones: Not So Many, Not As Much Space
Bigger hospitals may treat some conditions a lot better by seeing a lot more patients, having a lot more room, longtime study shows. "Study cost a fortune but it was worth it", says
head of study.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Mountains Back Open
Smoky Mountains road reopened. Picketing PETA workers, black bears protesters, whiskey-making moonshiners finally cleared out.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
A Dollar A Day
John Kerry, Joe Lieberman tout EPA projection on climate bill. It would only cost you a dollar a day to get things done like the oil spill. Just like the $10 a day it takes to pay for us being here.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Osama Already Knew!
In Bin Laden's latest video, he says he already knew about the minerals there. That's what they have been doing in the cave for the last four years.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
2010 Air Guirtarist Could Win
World's greatest air guitarist nominated for the Nobel Peace and Quiet Prize.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Sounds About Right
Rush Limbaugh admits that he ate so much at his wedding that he had to loosen three pair of pants that we still hanging in the closet.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Lucille Ball
Lucille Ball is alive! Known for I Love Lucy sitcoms, She was seen last night at Hollywood. CA. One friend said "She was trying to find a role in a movie." Lucy Ball will be 99 years old in August.
written by EXILAR, 15 June 2010
New Florida Ads!
Florida ads changing from "Come see our beautiful beaches" to "Come see the biggest screw-up in your lifetime!"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Grovelling Cameron apologises to NI Catholics!
David Cameron has apologised to Catholics caught up in Bloody Sunday and blamed innocent British soldiers only doing their duty, his new name from now: Rt Hon Pontius Pilatus!
written by unknown
Britney Spears to wear knickers
In a shocking revelation today Britney Spears revealed she will start wearing underpants from now on.
written by Midgy, 15 June 2010
Great Fire of London happened in 1966
The Great Fire of London actually happened in 1966. It's incorrectly recorded as 1666 due to a admin error by a lousy temp working at the Registry of Events in 1984. The temp has since been destroyed.
written by Midgy, 15 June 2010
BP Kicks Ass Too
BP Oil, tired of catching all the blame, lays off 16 congressmen that had bought over the years.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
"Butterflies are jerks", says man.
"Yeah, I know everybody thinks butterflies are pretty and beautiful to look at, but no...I think they are jerks, real scum of the earth. They can bite me! Up yours, butterflies!"
written by Nik Voelz, 15 June 2010
Too Much At Once
A young impressionable environmentalist who came to Pensacola Beach Sunday explodes after looking over blackened beach.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Sounds Like Politics Here
Al Qaida #2 wounded and captured in Afghanistan. Examiners say they thought #2 died last week but #2 explained that he was #3 until then.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Black Market Crashes
Black market crashes in New York! "It all started this morning when a truck load of cheap cigarettes from Kentucky ran into a second truck from North Carolina!", states man going through withdrawal.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Local Man, Sikhs, Justice
A local man, a group of Sikhs and a Justice of the Law featured today in a random spoof snippet.
written by unknown
Dyslexic man Awakes from Comma
Dyslexic local man Timmy Tidbits, 43, awoke today after a long nap.
"I thought I was in a coma but I'm not too good with spelling, ya see", he explained.
written by unknown
Local Man Cleans Sticky Bum
Local man Barry Nubbins spotted a homeless bum stuck in some wet, newly laid concrete at the side of the road.
He took him home and gave him a (golden) shower.
written by unknown
Local Taxi Driver Missing
People have been told to be on the look out for a fat, tattooed bloke with a sun-burned right arm.
written by unknown
Local Convict Comes Quietly
Prison warders advised him to keep the noise levels down when he was ejaculating.
written by unknown
Old Woman Swallows a Fly
I don't know why she swallowed the fly.
Perhaps she'll die.
Doctors have advised her to swallow a spider that wriggles and jiggles inside her to see if that helps.
written by unknown
She Who Runs With Dogs
Kirstie Alley told a talk show host yesterday that she has been exercising by wearing a pork chop on a fish line trailing behind her and letting the dogs out.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Could Have Been 'Bitches' I Guess!
Many puzzled over former president, George Bush statement about oil damage to Florida trees. Laura later stated that he thought the "Beeches" were being covered by oil.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
New Jackson Game
Singer Michael Jackson is to be captured in a new video game, developers Ubisoft have announced "Where In The World Is Michael Jackson's Nose?".
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
US Oil Companies Unprepared Also!
US oil firms 'unprepared' for major offshore disaster. "It's a good thing that it happened to BP first", stated one CEO. "Now we can see what works for them."
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Parliment Potty!
In a bid to stop elderly MP'S from defacating and urinating on the benches in the Houses of Parliment, David Cameron has ordered that all seats must be fitted with comodes.
written by armfeetandtoe, 15 June 2010
Boy with perfect SAT score Still waiting for Obama to Handover Reigns of Power
Student of Indian Origin is still waiting for President Obama to handover power to him after he aced the SAT test."It's been 6 hours I should have atleast received some missile codes by now."
written by ronin47empire, 15 June 2010
UN slams Kyrgyzstan violence, provokes sarcasm from victims
As the sanctimonious UN slammed Kyrgyzstan violence, sarcastic victims pointed out that the last thing they need is more violence such as slamming and the like.
written by ronin47empire, 15 June 2010
BBC gets 545 vuvuzela complaints
Even after medical staff warned the corporation's women to avoid unprotected intimacy while in South Africa
written by Roy Turse, 15 June 2010
Drones On Border
Government deploys drones to patrol U.S.-Mexico border: "You must stop there or be harmed....We Are Obama!"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Takes My Breath Away!
New Dem tax bill on being taxed for breathing more than your share of oxygen supply moves toward vote in Senate.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Gore Talking Even More!
Gore demands: Stop Censoring News From The Gulf! "Wait until the water rises!" "See, still a nutjob", says Tipper.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Change Of Mind
Scientist now believe that life came from primal slop, not soup.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Moon Has Water
The Moon 'contains 100 times more water than previously thought' "If only we had known", says astronaut. "A bath would have been nice."
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Father's Breadwinners First!
Three-quarters of fathers say 'We're breadwinners first - and dads second'. "Always go down and pick up my unemployment check first thing."
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Ditch Those Hills!
Pregnant women urged to ditch high heels, flip flops, frogfeet and Ugg boots as they 'put feet at risk'
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Coastline Invasion
Invading our coastlines, swarms of jellyfish that can paralyse swimmers. Also, it sounds like someone's digging an oil well down there.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Senators Demand Compensation
Now U.S. senators demand BP set up $20bn compensation fund in advance. "No time", replies BP, too busy cleaning up oil spill."
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Workshy Benefits To Stop
Incapacity benefit axed in four years: All payouts to go in crackdown on workshy. "We have plenty of jobs to offer, cleaning up oil spill in America!"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
All Mistreated Alike!
Osborne's Budget 'will make EVERY family £1,000 worse off' "No favors here", states Osborne.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Game May Be Recalled
Jackson fans who moonwalk in motion-sensing game having trouble losing noses.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
BP Pills Apparently Bad Also
Blood pressure pills could raise cancer risk, says study. Great! That should really help lower everyone's blood pressure.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
At Least Something Has Stabilized.
Report: Employers to see 2011 medical costs jump. Pope still Catholic.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Cheap Drugs Could Save Lives
Cheap drug could save tens of thousands. However, it's so cheap no drug companies will market it.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Great At Fundraising
Political fundraising fool taps social networks. I'm sorry, that should be "Tool".
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Kids Scared Shitless
Kirstie Alley gets new role on children's show as Rhino The Clown!
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Vuvuzela Horns A Blow To The Games
Officials trying to ban vuvuzela at Games in South Africa cannot be heard.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Tax Cheats Beware
Swiss parliament approves US tax deal on 2nd try, once they saw all the ass-kicking going on here.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Ted Kennedy Got Many Threats
Files show threats against Ted Kennedy were common, mostly from husbands, boyfriends, parents.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Residents Get 6 Votes Each
Residents get 6 votes each in suburban NY election. Complain that they got 7 each in last presidential election.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Not The Best Working Conditions
Cleanup crews must battle oil - and heat, humidity, Obama's ass-kicking.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
More Volunteers Than Ever
1.6 million more Americans volunteered in 2009. "Since there are no jobs, might as well be doing something."
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Extra Volunteers
1.6 million more Americans volunteered in 2009, mostly to help at beauty pageants.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
What Can Brown Do For You?
Brown rice eaters have lower risk of diabetes, developing taste buds: study.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Anthrax Powder?
Envelopes with white powder sent to fed buildings. Turns out to be harmless cocaine.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
American On Mission Arrested
American on mission to kill bin Laden arrested. "Too soon", say military leaders. "Then we'd have no excuse for being here."
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Statue Destroyed
Ohio Jesus statue struck by lightning, destroyed. The Supreme Supreme Court Upholds Second Commandment.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Army To Be Self Supporting
Huge obstacles seen in exploiting Afghan minerals, but more troops being sent by UN to defend mineral deposits.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Bees Need Help
Feds under pressure to open US skies to drones, worker bees.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Tlaking Bout My Radiation
Americans get most radiation from medical scans, UFO kidnappings.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Curse On US?
US cursed? Flooding, oil leaks, Bush writing a book, Unbelievable Debt, high gas prices, TV crap continues.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Who Is Obama?
For some reason, almost no one remembers Obama at college. Was he there? Deja Vue from Bush in National Guard.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Now He's Really Mad
Gulf Coasters skeptical of Obama, BP promises, as President, attempting to kick BP guy's ass, falls in the oil slick.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Ass-Kicking Doesn't Help
Gulf Coasters skeptical of Obama, BP promises. "Quit the blame game and get the leakage fixed!"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Gulf Coasters Skeptical
Gulf Coasters skeptical of Obama, BP promises as white beaches turn to tar.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Theme parks
Walt Disney World will be closing in July. President Robert Iger explained to the Orlando Sentinel "President Obama is expecting to come in July. We do not want his germs. So we are shutting it down"
written by EXILAR, 15 June 2010
One Star Bum Bandit Scoops Award
No-show at "Butthole Of The Year Awards"
written by Skoob1999, 15 June 2010
One Star Bum Bandit Strikes Again
People laugh. Nobody bothers. Big anticlimax.
written by Skoob1999, 15 June 2010
One Star Arse Bandit Insists He's Not Gay
Everybody says they don't believe him and give him one star anyway for being an okay liar.
written by Skoob1999, 15 June 2010
Indian Opposition Leader Rues The Day He Won Election
Yes. Yes, I absolutely regret that we were in power in 2002. We should have never won that goddamn election. Now everytime we raise an issue they simply say "you did nothing either" Smug b@3$5^$.
written by ronin47empire, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #26
Ron Howard instead of Mark Hamill, Star Wars. "We screen tested Ronnie, but we kept finding great big chunks of red hair in the wardrobe."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #26
Ron Howard instead of Mark Hamill, Star Wars. "We screen tested Ronnie, but we kept finding great big chunks of red hair in the wardrobe."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #27
Michael Keaton instead of Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight. "Oh, great. Keaton in white makeup, acting crazy. Might as well call it Beetlejuice 2."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #25
George Hamilton for Harrison Ford, The Empire Strikes Back. "I knew Ford sucked, but I was just too damned lazy to recast."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #24
Anyone else instead of Sofia Coppola, Godfather III. "On 'III', Sofia learned what to do and what not to do as a director. She continues to do what not to do."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #23
Chazz Palmentiri instead of Robert DeNiro, The Godfather II. "Chazz was great in auditions, but I need someone who could repeat himself, over and over. "
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #22
Nicholas Cage (real name: Nicholas Copolla) instead of Al Pacino, The Godfather. Said Francis Ford: "I put my sister Talia Shire in the movie. One talentless family member is enough."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #22
Nicholas Cage (real name: Nicholas Copolla) instead of Al Pacino, The Godfather. Said Francis Ford: "I put my sister Talia Shire in the movie. One talentless family member is enough."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #21
Mike Tyson instead of Morgan Freeman, The Shawshank Redemption. Said the director: "Morgan works in the role because you can imagine him not being a homicidal career criminal.
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #20
Dennis Hopper instead of Jack Nicholson, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. "I needed someone who could ACT crazy, not BE crazy."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #18
Wesley Snipes instead of Samuel L. Jackson, Pulp Fiction. "Look, I already cast Travolta to meet my 'one has-been a movie' quota.
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #19
Dennis Hopper instead of Jack Nicholson, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. "I needed someone who could ACT crazy, not BE crazy."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #18
Wesley Snipes instead of Samuel L. Jackson, Pulp Fiction. "Look, I already cast Travolta to meet my 'one has-been a movie' quota.
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #17
Emilio Esteves instead of Elijah Wood, The Lord of the Rings. "Well, it would have been easy to make him look short and elf-like."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #16
Keanu Reeves instead of Brad Pitt, Fight Club. "Reeves and Smoochy the Rhino? God, it would have been like two blocks of wood conspiring to bang Helena Bonham Carter."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #15
Jack Nicholson instead of Anthony Perkins, Psycho. "We needed the character to seem creepy and slightly gay. Wait, I guess Jack would have worked fine."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #14
Billy Baldwin instead of er, was it Alec Baldwin?, The Usual Suspects. "Wait, which Baldwin was in the movie? They're all fat and talentless, so…"
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #13
Bruce Willis instead of Jodie Foster, The Silence of the Lambs. "Well, we did plan to cast someone manly, and there ain't too many actors more manly than Jodie."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #12
A sack of potatoes instead of Keanu Reeves, The Matrix. "Who would've noticed the difference."
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #11
Madonna instead of Brad Pitt, Se7en. "Well, it would have made the 'what's in the box' line a lot more interesting, huh?"
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
Spoof Writer Turning Into Adam Lambert
"Me thumb nail's turned black," says Skoob. "I hope I don't have to break the other nine digits to get that Adam Lambert look."
written by Skoob1999, 15 June 2010
Gasoline Jumps Higher
Report In Washington Post: High gasoline prices blamed on its being horded by Asian hordes!
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Free Sandwich With Pizza
Domino's Pizza employee fired after delivering a free knuckle sandwich with pizza to non-tipper.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Thousands Of Jobs Lost
Hundreds of thousands, no one knows for sure how many, of census worker's jobs end!
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Must Have Left Early
Milwaukee, Wisconsin accuses husband of trying to drive her crazy with Vuvuzela he brought back from South Africa Games as a souvenir!
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
32nd Suicide At Games
Thirty-second suicide recorded at at South African Games, due to the noise of the Vuvuzela.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
In World Cup News #2
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "Achy Breaky Eardrums" are not selling well.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
As Seen On Democratic Television
Obama has too much national debt and is swimming in $3.0 trillion of deficits. He needs to negotiate with the credit company and collection agency. Unfortunately, the president doesn't speak Chinese!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 June 2010
Space Dust May Cause Global Warming
Scientists say 100,000 tons of space dust falls on the earth every year. Al Gore is planning to sell space dust credits before the EPA tries to regulate space dust accumulations on roofs in 2011.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 June 2010
Breaking News, Still No Protests Planned
Kyrgyz & Uzbeks continue to kill each other in Kyrgyzstan, death toll increasing to 180 people. No protests occur in Greece, Turkey or Europe. Palestinian President Abbas & the UN are silent.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 June 2010
Red S on President Obama's Chest
Democratic liberals and Republican conservatives agree President Obama has a big red S on his chest. They disagree on what the big red S stands for!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 June 2010
No Name Change Required
Proctologists ask the EPA to stop calling itself the Environmental Proctologists Agency. The misunderstanding came about because the American public is always giving the EPA "the finger!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 June 2010
Democratic Liberal Mathematics
Electric utilities buy large quantities of power to reduce electricity bills. President Obama wants to increase taxes on energy companies to reduce utility bills! Isn't mathematics taught at Harvard?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 June 2010
American Organizations Worst List
Americans have identified three organizations/entities they think are the worst in the country. The worst is the EPA, followed by Madison Avenue and then Wall Street.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 June 2010
In World Cup News
Thus far, "The All-Time Greatest Hits As Performed On The Vuvuzela" like "All You Need Are Ear Plugs" are not selling well.
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Show #47
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "I Love Moosey"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Show #46
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Gum Poke"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Top TV Nudist Show #45
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Mary Tyler Show Moore"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Top TV Nudist Show #44
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "King Of The Dill"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Show #43
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "The Really, Really Big Head Sullivan Show"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Show #42
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Drag Nut"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Top Nudist TV Shows #41
A survey of nudists included on the 2010 Census reveals their all-time favorite TV shows, such as "Dead Wood"
written by Bureau, 15 June 2010
Rejected Jeopardy questions, #20
ANSWER: He is a self important dickbag.
QUESTION: Who is Alex Trebek?
written by anthonyrosania, 15 June 2010
