Report on BP Clean-Up
Gulf of Mexico cleanup workers - contracted fishermen - are being told they'll be fired if they wear protective gear. BP isn't providing the gear, said if workers wear respirators, they will be fired.
written by Inchcock, 09 July 2010
Moat Finds Pol Pot!
Police said they recieved a phone call from Raoul Moat saying he had found pol Pot in a barn. "Me an Lord Lucan were avin a cigarette when Pol walks in and says he's on the run an can we help him"
written by armfeetandtoe, 09 July 2010
Counterfeit Italian Palma Hams
Italian ham police seized 1,000 Parma hams they were stamped with fake trademarks. The phony baloney hams didn't follow the instructions so they were lesser quality. The offenders were Ukranian.
written by Inchcock, 09 July 2010
Curry Hand Grenade Developed
India has developed a new nonlethal weapon in the war on terror: the curry hand grenade. It packs curry, peppers and phosphorous creating a cloud that brings people to their knees within seconds.
written by Inchcock, 09 July 2010
Replica World Cup made of Cocaine
Police disovered one of two world cup replica's made of cocaine today in Columbia. The 2nd one was believed to have been presented to the England 2010 world cup squad.
written by Inchcock, 09 July 2010
£325,000worth of Coins Metal Detected
Joe Dew found a hoard of more than 52,000 coins buried in an enormous pot in county Somerset. The coins date from the third century and some were minted by Emperor Gordon Brown the 1st.
written by Inchcock, 09 July 2010
Foul play ruled out
An inquest has determined there was no foul play in the death of a 64-year-old British woman last October. The cause of death was apparently related to her sexual excitement while watching porn.
written by Inchcock, 09 July 2010
Pathway to be temporarily closed
The river bank path between Leeds & Hutton is to be closed for river defence work. Very popular with rapists, muggers and MPs alike, this news will come as a great disappointment to many.
written by Inchcock, 09 July 2010
Dementia Awareness Week
New figures launched to coincide with Dementia Awareness Week show a six-fold increase in the number of Members of Lords taking part in vital research into dementia.
written by Inchcock, 09 July 2010
Gazza - Gone Fishing In The Moat!
Former football star Paul Gascoigne said "all me and Rauol want is to fish for trout"
written by iscrivener, 09 July 2010
Too Much Television
Too much TV blamed for average family voting one member of the house out for that day.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Too Much TV
In the news, there was an article about Native Americans at an Indian reservation who are trying to save the language of Dakota. Meanwhile in eastern Kentucky, there is a group trying to save Anglish.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Blow It Right Away
According to a scientific study, they have now come out with the carbon diet. An environmentally friendly diet that reduces greenhouse gases. Rule #1: NEVER eat at Taco Bell.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
"Raoul" World Cup Final Demand!
Fugutive gunman Raoul Moat demands a place in the starting line up for Spain's World Cup clash with Holland with UK police!
written by iscrivener, 09 July 2010
A Sacrifice!
The Taliban celebrates National Women's Day in Afghanistan by beating their asses with rods, thirty picked at random!
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
To Avoid Future Depressions
Fed Chairman Benanke says that there will be an autopsy on the nation's economy.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Heat Affecting Farmers
Farmers in the Northeast United States say that their cows have reached their tipping point.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Gore No More?
Scheduled for Monday: Al Gore to make cycle jump over a shark at Dollywood!
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Man dies in freak accident
Author Germaine Greer is being held for questioning after a man who held a hotel door open for her mysteriously died at the scene. "He simply refused to breathe." Said the famous feminist.
written by A MCRORY, 09 July 2010
MILFF gets huge cock
The President of the Mothers In London Fowl Fanciers has been presented with a rooster on a visit to Yangbi Huang province, China. The Yangbi Huang breed of rooster can grow up to 35 cm long.
written by A MCRORY, 09 July 2010
Woman "It was like a babies arm holding an apple"
A woman is recovering from being struck on the head by an apple thrown by a baby from a flat above.
The woman said, "I was like, walking. I like, looked up. I saw the baby armed with like, fruit."
written by A MCRORY, 09 July 2010
Whitehouse tight lipped on cleanup
A tourist claims they accidentally walked in on Barack Obama bathing with two nubian ladies during a Whitehouse tour. "One girl said the royal weiner is clean your Presidentness."said the tourist.
written by A MCRORY, 09 July 2010
Juvenile juice rejuvenates junior star
Junior star Arnold Swarznegger has been arrested for sucking blood from young hispanic runaways in Mexico's Cancun. Arnie was spotted tossing their dessicated husks over his shoulder like beer cans.
written by A MCRORY, 09 July 2010
There's No Cheap Product !
Cheap 'made in China' era coming to an end? None of it was ever cheap if you figure in cost of care after lead exposure.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Another Big Find!
UK treasure hunter finds 52,000 Roman coins. US treasure hunter claims he found billions in gold at Fort Knox, Kentucky. Dug down ten feet and 1,000 yards away following noisy metal detector.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Family Of Spies?
Kids might not follow deported Russian spy parents. However, they may change their tune once they find their houses and cars bugged.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Russian Spy Anna Chapman's Most Unusual Secret Camera Hiding Place
The gorgeous Russian spy Anna Chapman has revealed that one of her favorite hiding places for her secret camera was in her crotch where the camera was disguised as a clitoris.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 July 2010
The Real Sarah Palin That Lives Inside of The Real Tina Fey
Tina Fey says that she first realized how much she had gotten into the Sarah Palin character when one morning she woke up and wanted to go out and stalk, shoot, skin, and eat a caribou.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 July 2010
Jennifer Aniston Is Starting To Have Some Interesting Sexual Thoughts
Jennifer Aniston says that she has been rejected by so many men that Courtney Love and Amy Winehouse are starting to look inviting.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 09 July 2010
"No! I Mean Yes! No!
Miss USA: 'I fear no question' since competition! Reporter: "Are you still dancing naked at that club downtown?"
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Mel Gibson Ruined?
Asked if he was ruined by recent publicity, Mel Gibson answered, "No, I still have both balls."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Can You Give Me A Lift?
In Boston today, firefighters had to use a special lift to remove a 500-pound man from his home. He made it out and is doing OK. There are 3 firemen with hernias and a broken lift, but the man is OK.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
New Doughnut Out!
Scientist have came up with a new doughnut that does not add on to the consumer's weight. It's full of caffeine so your restless legs burn up the calories the rest of the day (& night)
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Pot Disagreement
According to the British Journal of Psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks. I wish to disagree. It's when I run out that the attacks start!
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Heat Wave Continues
It was so hot and depressing yesterday, Katie Couric was downgraded from Marvelous to Middlin.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
New Pill Breakthrough!
The one-a-day pill that could finally halt Alzheimer's, if only they can remember to take it.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Fussy Eaters Have Disorder?
Fussy eaters could be classed as having an eating disorder, especially those who refuse to eat 'spotted dick' and 'blood pudding'.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Family Jewels To Be Sold
Earl Spencer makes £21m selling off 'family jewels' through Christie's. Many conclude: "He has the balls for it."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Justice At Last!
Iran backs down: World fury forces Tehran to spare 'adulterous' mother from being stoned - but will they hang her instead?
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
They Are Listening!
The great spy swap: U.S. and Russia exchange agents in Vienna - as femme fatale Anna Chapman vows to return to Britain, after reading comments on TheSpoof!
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Another Nut!
The son of Osama Bin Laden and his British wife have split up after he began to hear his father's voice in his beard, it has emerged.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Laughs To Cost Him Dearly!
Husband 'secretly bugged wife's car shower then played tapes of singing to family and friends'.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Pensions Hit Hard
Private pensions are hit for £100bn: Final salary scheme change will affect millions of what is now being called, "The Turnip Generation".
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Interior Minster Stolen
German interior minister's car stolen while he was still inside.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Blame Vuvuzelas
SAfrican airport firm to reimburse fans for hearing losses.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Time To Do The RIGHT Thing!
Place your bets: Table games open at Pa. casinos, after restoring ten acres to Native American tribe they nearly killed off 150 years ago.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
New Orleans Ready For Tourists
New Orleans back in Travel + Leisure top 10 cities! "Just need to stay up-wind of oil spill smell."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Lohan's Attorney Cracks
Lindsay Lohan's defense attorney resigns from case. Checks herself into hospital for week's rest.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Lohan's Mouthpiece Quits
Lindsay Lohan's defense attorney resigns from case. Beats head on the wall!
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Implantable Telescope
FDA clears first implantable telescope for vision. Hopes to improve 4-inch size of telescope.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Delay In Filter Down Under
Australia delays Internet porn filter to review content for the next six month.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Caught In The Act
Australia: Google Street View broke privacy law, after man sues over shot of him shitting in neighbor's backyard which he had always blamed on the dog.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Google Faces Suit
Australia: Google Street View broke privacy law ruling after lawsuit by man who was pictured drunk and pissing on neighbor's car.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Hurricanes Developing In Gulf?
La Nina developing, could mean more hurricanes as "Hurricane Oil Slick Harry" the eighth name in line.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
One Long Panel!
Solar panels lands after completing 24-hour flight. Sorry, that should have been 'plane', although they're the same thing.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Toyota Raises Wages In China?
Toyota president open to raising wages in China, maybe up to $1.25 an hour.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Can't Seem To Get The Lead Out!
China auto sales growth slows again in June after every buyer complains about lead in paint.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Spoof writers hired by Daily Telegraph
Spoof writers have obviously been hired to write for The Daily Telegraph. They use different names - but it MUST be true. Have you read the Telegraph lately? 5 star stories-read like spoofs.
written by unknown
Baskets Not Needed After All?
Confidence in world recovery boosts stock markets. Slaes of hand baskets plunge.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
New Prez Picks Cabinet
Slovak president appoints new government: "You, you, you over there and this guy licking my shoes."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Buffett Got More Advice
Buffett recounts the best advice he's ever received: "You ever wish you had a pencil-thin mustache?"
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
"You Must Be Manly...EEEEKK!"
Co-founder of strength team injured during demonstration when mouse runs under barbells.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Money Talks
LeGone: LeBron James dumps Cleveland for Miami. "This has never happened here before", laments fan.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Lohan's Attorney Resigns
Lindsay Lohan's defense attorney resigns from case. "This one needs a psychiatrist."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Lottsa Tone Setting
GOP leaders let demagogues set tone, lawmaker says. GOP responds with Dems allowing their 'god' Obama to set tone.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Extensions Should Help Laid Off Ladies In Nevada
Obama promotes energy projects, economy, unemployment extension benefits for ladies laid off in Nevada.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Big Spy Turnover These Days
US, Russian planes swap 137 spies in Vienna, as a few more were caught during the night.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Presbyterians Split
Presbyterians continue to be divided over gays after trying to turn over a new Leif.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
J & J Sales Plunge
Johnson & Johnson sales plunge as new placebo recall announced this morning.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Lived A Plains Life
Georgia claims it has world's oldest person, 130. It's Jimmy Carter's Uncle, Mr. Peanut.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
UK Treasure Hunter
UK treasure hunter finds 52,000 Roman coins, one Greek token for "A Free Ride At Achilles Place".
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Buffett Was Listening Closely
Buffett recounts the best advice he's ever received: "You know, it may be lunch time here but it's five o'clock somewhere."
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Buffett's Other Great Advice
Buffett recounts the best advice he's ever received: "Have you ever had a cheeseburger in Paradise?"
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Buffet's Best Advice
Buffett recounts the best advice he's ever received: "Have you ever visited Margaritaville?
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Rougher There Than Here?
Freed Russian agents getting new life in spy swap, may get through grilling at home in Russia.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
If That Doesn't Work...
Transferring oil from broken well to an older well could delay some spillage, says BP. That's Plan T.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Battersea Dogs Home Shock
Shock News: Today it was revealed that Battersea Dogs Home has been forced to close down.
They have had to call in the Official Retriever!
written by Inchcock, 09 July 2010
Moat: - Castle Surrounded
Police chiefs coordinating the hunt for Raoul Moat reported that a castle near Rothbury is now surrounded by a moat.
written by The Medium Cheese, 09 July 2010
Raoul Moat investigation under scrutiny after this personal ad was seen in local paper.
SEXY 19 blonde, Northumberland up for fun. WLTM ginger man, of fiery nature, enjoys writing long letters, hunt & camp. If this sounds like you, contact me at: Armedresponseteam@northumbriapolice.com
written by matthatt, 09 July 2010
Court Overturns Offshore Drilling Ban For A Second Time
Courts again tell the government they overstepped their authority by shutting down drilling and killing oil jobs. Government gets pissy: "Obama was elected king and can do whatever he wants."
written by SirBeavis, 09 July 2010
Redistributing Health Care Advice
Dr. J. Mengele, new head of Medicare/Medicade, asked seniors to take a small dose of Arsenic every day. Seniors refused, telling the good doctor to redistribute his health care advice to others!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
President Obama Defends Political Decision
Obama defends his political decision to sue Arizona over the state's new illegal immigrant law. The president cites a DOE report that claims illegal immigrants go out at night & generate green energy.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
United Nations to Close its Doors
The UN is closing after 60 years, having become an ineffectual body. The New York headquarters is so full of bullshit, the granite bedrock has cracked and the building is sliding into the East River.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
Too Much Credit Card Debt?
Obama has too much credit card debt and has over drawn his ATM account. Obama's financial advisors, the American public, have said "stop spending!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
Looking the Other Way
The New Black Panther Party has rejected US Attorney General Eric Holder for membership. The group spokesman called the AG a cracker, whitey and told him to go join the NAACP!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
FDA Labeling Requirements
A Prostitutes Union complained to the FDA about the new food labeling for products sold in "vending machines." The working girls wanted to know where to put the labels so they are always visible.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
Transaction Tax
A Prostitutes Union complained to President Obama about a proposed 1% transaction tax. Specifically, the working girls want the Labor Department to describe the transactions, so rates can be adjusted.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
Health Care Complaint
Representative Barney Frank has complained that the assholes in San Francisco CA are getting more health care benefits than the assholes in Boston MA!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
Epidemic Spreads in Washington DC
VP Biden's foot-in-mouth disease infected NASA Administrator Charles Bolden, who said one of the agency's goals was to make Muslims "feel good." President Obama may also have contracted the malady!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
EPA to Regulate Tornados
EPA proposes tough new regulations to limit the amount of dust, dirt and air pollution caused by Tornados. Fines for non-compliance will only be levied on tornados that make over $250,000 per year!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
Change the Name to Protect the Guilty
The Department of the Interior is changing the name of Minerals Miscreant Screw-ups (MMS) to Bureau of Odorous Egotistical Miscreant, Regulation, and Enforcement (BOEMRE)!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
President Obama's Recess Appointment
Obama appoints Dr. J. Mengele, a patient care specialist, to run Medicare/Medicaid. Herr Doctor is a proponent of rationing care to senior citizens to achieve wealth & health care redistribution.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
Running of the Bull
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs was amazed at Spain for only having a "Running of the Bulls" once per year. He also indicated that here at the White House we run the bull every day!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
It's a Miracle
President Obama turned beer into water today. It's not difficult, as many beer brewing nations claim American beer tastes like water!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
Call me Lucky
Lindsay Lohan received a 90 day jail sentence from Judge Marsha Revel. Lindsay's lawyer says she was lucky, as the next judge in the court rotation was "hanging judge" Roy Bean!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2010
Lindsay Lohan Asks Important Question To Friends
"Until I get out of prison in three months, do I qualify as jail bait again?"
written by unknown
Top Three Plagues Aboard Planes
The top three things that people hate on airplane flights? 3. Sitting by fat slobs, 2, Sitting near a terrorist and #1 Sitting near a crying baby.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Roman Coins Found
A British treasure hunter has found 52,000 Roman coins. Roman culture that is still with us today like Roman Candles, Roman Numerals, Roman Polanski to hide our daughters from, Roman Bread.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Lowest Form Of Life Discovered In Atlanta
Scientists at New Hampshire institute have announced that they've found the lowest form of life: Bernie Madoff!
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Woods To Hold Meeting
Tiger Woods may make another public statement next week before the British Open. Fans say that it's a good thing to hold one now, before the media gets it all of control.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Dr. Conrad Murray
Dr. Conrad Murray was charged months ago with the death of Michael Jackson and he may be headed to jail. He could lose his license. Murray says he blames Barack Obama's new Health Care Bill.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Real Doctor Explains
Doctor Oz and Doctor Phil are television personalities, not like a real doctor, says Dr. Seuss.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
Pretty Unstable
The Pentagon announced that they may have to make new H-Bombs to replace those that are 60-years-old and leaking and falling apart.
written by Bureau, 09 July 2010
