Blowing Off Steam?
Stocks took a drop today as Fed Chairman suddenly ran in circles, screaming & shouting about a gold calf.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
The Ole Hem & Haw!
Republicans say they plan to hem and haw until November elections while allowing Dems to dig a bigger hole for themselves, especially in the Gulf.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Hillary Stays Hillary
Sec. of State Clinton was asked by a reporter why she didn't go in for the facelifts, that other politicians seem to do. "Tried it. Then I saw Bill, he tried to hit on me. Told me I was out of town."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
World Cup Final 2010 - Spain 1 Netherlands 0
According to expert opinion
written by Jimbo123, 08 July 2010
Moat Finds Lord Lucan!
Raoul Moat has written to the police telling them he has found the wanted Lord. Moat says he was taking a piss behind a bush, when this old bloke jumps up and shouts, Im fukin royalty you know!
written by armfeetandtoe, 08 July 2010
Spreads To 25% Of The Country
Northeast United States suffers from Solar energy leak! 103 degrees in New York, Boston!
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Club Foots Bill
Club footed students get tuition bill. I'm sorry, that should be "Club to foot student's tuition bill!
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Rising Temperatures Mean an Decrease in Global Warming Deniers
Rising global temperatures over the last couple weeks has helped to lower the number of global warming deniers' claims that global warming isn't real.
written by UWGB-Beek, 08 July 2010
Spoofs Itself!
Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters. Now how are you supposed to spoof a headline like that?
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
What's Next: "No More Spoofs About S.F."
San Francisco considers banning sale of pets! Also, smoking anything but marijuana in public.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Laws Too Tough
There may be another big illegal immigrant march in Washington DC soon. The protest is against how hard it is to come here. But if it's so hard, how did these millions get here?
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Still Looked Nice
John Edwards has finally admitted that the $60 haircuts included a massage in the back room.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Az. To Give In?
Word on the street is that Arizona may repeal it's strict immigration laws. It's not the federal government suit, it's the fact that all the Walmart stores are threatening to close.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Must Have Kept It Hid
The Food & Drug Administration has announced that since marijuana became legal in California, there has been a 200% jump in cases of glaucoma.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Mom's At WalMart
According to a recent study, husbands who are couch potatoes have kids that are tater tots.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
The Little Guy Gets It Again
Hundreds Of Fishermen Missing Checks From BP. BP Gives No Indication Of When Payments Resume. Conclusion: Fishermen Screwed!
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Someting Wicked This Way Comes
Egypt unveils discovery of 4,300-year-old thumbs! Sorry, that should have been "tombs".
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Worth A Fortune!
UK treasure hunter finds 52,000 Roman coins, five bars of gold pressed latinum!
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Reason For Drill Ban
Obama administration set for drill ban legal fight. Many say that's why the oil is leaking now.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Judge Sends Lohan To Jail.
Lindsay's PR firm releases following statement: Mrs Lohan is looking forward to serving her sentence, and hopes to enjoy all the lesbian sex she will be having when attacked in the showers.
written by SirBeavis, 08 July 2010
Allstate: Decision Helped.
After three years, Allstate Insurance Company says they are glad stopped selling new policies to homeowners in California because of too many disasters. "We would have lost millions on movies alone."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Biden Checked Out
Joe Biden stated today that he had had a full colonoscopy on his recent trip to the Mideast. "It was in the middle of the night on my second night in Afghanistan."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Exports To Double
U.S. on track to double exports in 5 years: Obama. Mostly people leaving to get medical treatment in time.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Never Stopped
Obama back on the campaign trail. After taking of 30 days to run down and see the oil spill firsthand.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Just Kidding
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
written by Spicewood, 08 July 2010
Secret cause of Gulf oil spill revealed...
... Tony Blair tripped and cracked his façade, allowing his real personality to leak out.
written by matthatt, 08 July 2010
Could 100,000 Be Closer?
27,000 Abandoned Gulf Oil Wells Draw Shock, Anger! Obama immediately criticizes findings. Name new '27,000 Abandoned Oil Wells Czar!'
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Lohan Keeps Drugs
Lohan Can Keep Taking Doc-Prescribed Meds Behind Bars; She'll Likely Be Held in Solitary Confinement for Own, and her drugs, Safety.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Winos Break Into Machine!
Pa. Offers Nation's First Wine Vending Machines. Next thing you will hear: "Hey, Chuck how about loaning me five bucks?"
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Quaker Upset?
Mild-mannered Quaker, 54, Strikes Southern California! I'm sorry, that should be 'Magnitude 5.4 Quake'.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Netanyahu Sceptical?
Does Israel's Netanyahu Trust Obama? About as much as the rest of us.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
That Sinking Feeling
Oil Sinking Into Gulf Beach Sands Could Linger for a century or two.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Buffett Advice
Buffett recounts the best advice he's ever received. "Don't give away any information you receive, always charge a buck."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Let It Be!
President Obama has told Michelle to discontinue her research on his ancestry after discovering that he is closely related to Jomo Kenyata, according to his latest birth certificate.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Pope's critics claim 'Excessive Popery'
We can only speculate as to why the Pope's visit should have increased demand for dried and fragrantly scented plant material!
written by Stevey G., 08 July 2010
Video Two Hours Per Day
Children who play video games for two hours a day may 'DOUBLE' risk of getting the Princess freed.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Only Fair
Private schools forced to offer free places to poor. Private auto dealers forced to give away autos to indigents. Both Schools and Dealerships close.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Benefits Cheat Caught Dancing
The 'wheelchair-bound' benefits cheat caught jiving at 1940s dance competition. "It was a miracle, Judge."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
They Had A Near Collision
Recent near-collisions raise air safety alarms. Shouldn't that be near-misses?
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
An Englishman's semi and his tombstone teeth
US impressions of the English have hit an all-time low following the Gulf Of Mexico spill. Typical comments were, "They've shite teeth. They live in egg boxes. They worship bumpkins like Cheryl Cole."
written by A MCRORY, 08 July 2010
Lohan Luke?
For Lohan, the intense scrutiny is just beginning. Wait until she hits the showers.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Cyberattacks Continue
Repeat of SKorea, US cyberattacks does no damage as North Korean squirrel pauses to rest in wheel.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Nano Nanoo
Energy Secy advances nano science in spare time, often joined by Mork from Ork.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Early Hmans Went Farther North
Early humans ventured farther north than thought after discovery of ancient well-digger's ass.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Horton Hearing Things?
Japanese spacecraft may have dust from asteroid. Scientist "Horton" thinks there could be life in the dust but can't say Who.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Renting A Yacht For Now
New retail data: Luxury shoppers pull back in June. Head for WalMart, Costco.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
For Better Appearance
Groups launch effort to change campaign money law. "It looks so much better if large sums given behind closed doors."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Moat Surrounds Castle!
Historians say that moats often surround castles. However police have still not managed to surround Raoul Moat, a dangerous killer hiding in woods. Police say, "There are no castles in the vicinity!"
written by IN SEINE, 08 July 2010
Peace In Mideast
Obama says there's hope for Middle East peace. Just need to get the 2,972 factions together.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Using Only Eyelids?
French team performs face transplant with eyelids, using an old Harry Houdini trick.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Former Would Have Been Nice If True
East Coast to get relief from heat, not stupidity. I'm sorry, that should state "humidity".
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Cuba Frees Political Prisoners
Church: Cuba agrees to free 52 political prisoners. Round up 52 new ones as soon a Vatican rep. leaves.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Need Oslo's Kicked
Officials: 3 Oslos arrested in Norway al-Qaida bomb plot!
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Need To Keep Mind On Road Actual Road
New town motto: Looking ahead & being mindful of the past! leads to 25-30 car pile-up.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Second Big Find
UK treasure hunter finds 52,000 Roman coins, three wooden nickels.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Duck Boat Capsized
Captain of barge capsized duck boat in Philly stated that he had earlier spotted a quack in the hull.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Court To Hear Drilling Case
Appeals court to hear drilling moratorium case as horny couple keep a close eye on the situation.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Not Really Encouraging
IMF lifts world growth forecast: "Oh you can make a buck here and there."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
It's A Start To A Beginning
Beach cleaners only skimming oil off surface sand. Like removing one flea from the dog pound.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Saves On Energy
Heat islands: Cities heat quickly, cool slowly. NYC renters cooking off the cleaned sidewalks.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Gays All Leave Iran
Iran offers modest new haircut guidelines for men, the "Mahmoud" style for everyone.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Iran's New Haircuts
Iran offers modest new haircut guidelines for men, especially after the lice plague.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Secrets In The Logo
The secret code in U.S. Cyber Command's logo. Also, the powerful green ring many are wearing.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Al-Qaida Desperate
Officials: 3 arrested in Norway al-Qaida bomb plot as those Norwegians causing so much trouble in the world.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Spy Swap
Russian, US spy suspects brace for possible swap. CIA encouraged to get two blonds for the redhead.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Buffett Positive
Buffett: 'We're coming back, no question in my mind' Probably to about the Middle Ages!'
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Gottta Dig Deeper
Beach cleaners only skimming oil off surface sand. "At this rate, it'll be cleaned up by 2090."
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Psychic Octopus gets new job!
Now that the World Cup is almost over, Paul, 'The Psychic Octopus', from Germany has landed a dream job - reading palms - 8 at a time. You gotta hand it to him!
written by IN SEINE, 08 July 2010
Living with Snakes Record Attempt
A Sussex carpenter is to try and break the world record by living with venomous snakes for over 4 months. However, ex-Prime Minister, Tony Blair claims to have lived with over 600 venomous snakes for 10 years.
written by IN SEINE, 08 July 2010
Firewalker Uses British Rail Excuse
When nine people on a motivational exercise were badly burnt by walking on hot coals in Italy yesterday, their teacher used the old British Rail excuse: "THEY USED THE WRONG TYPE OF WOOD!"
written by IN SEINE, 08 July 2010
UK worker complains
A man complained en route to work today rhetorically cutting short his rant with"Oh what's the point!" The remark is expected to 'severely damage the green shoots of recovery' said a Tory spokesman.
written by A MCRORY, 08 July 2010
Raoul Moat Evades Police
Raoul Moat slipped through a police cordon last night and robbed a butcher's shop. Inattentive officer's, if found guilty of misteaks could be for the chop!
written by Stevey G., 08 July 2010
Proton shrinks in size
Using muon, heavier cousin of electron, researchers determine proton is actually 0.00000000000003 millimeters - about 4 percent - smaller than believed. Proton pump use expected to rise sharply.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 July 2010
Just Like The Beer Ones!
Today President Obama and Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu held a joint conference that was a lot better than their last meeting. The reason? Like I said, it was a 'joint' conference.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
A Little Late On That One
A nature watchdog group says that we have five years to fix global warming or face catastrophic consequences...like a giant oil leak.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Well, Honest, Abe!!
President Obama said never again would an uninvited guest sneak into the White House. All the while, Abraham Lincoln's ghost was pulling his ears out like Obama's in the background.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Generation Gap
In political news, John McCain and his dad got into another fight over who's turn it was to use the Scooter.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
It's A Jungle Out There
The government is warning that substantial amounts of marijuana are now being grown on federal park lands. They noticed the problem when large groups of bears and wild boars started laughing.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Amy Switches Habits
Amy Winehouse's mom says that since she has stopped doing drugs, she has become addicted to eating bugs. Of course, they are invisible.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Joe Knows All
Joe Biden: I haven't noticed any mullet haircuts in the South. Of course, how does a person's hairstyle be the same as a fish?
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
Joe The Observant
Joe Biden: Ever since that first Iraqi War, it seems like Veteran's Day gets bigger every year.
written by Bureau, 08 July 2010
