Blame The Demos
Rush Limbaugh blames the democrats for the oil leak in the gulf. "When republicans want something stopped, the stop it. Just look at Hoover Dam!"
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Bubba Loves Burgers Too
A man formerly with the FBI states that Bill Clinton would stay late in his office at night using his computer for chat rooms. If anyone ever talked to someone named "Bubba Loves Bacon", that was him.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Gore Blaming Clinton
A very angry Al Gore is still harping on Bill Clinton losing him the presidency. "I had it all wrapped up and Bill and Monica blew it!"
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Mick Jagger demands money, money, money not "Satisfaction!"
Stones boss Mick Jagger has divulged why he keeps on touring with the 'Strolling bones" Money what else!
written by unknown
South Africa plunged into darkness!
After the World Cup left South Africa the place plunged into darkness because there was no money left after paying the bills for the floodlight games, one could only see white teeth and eyeballs!
written by unknown
Nadine Coyle dating Big Brother's John James?
Nadine Coyle, Girls Aloud's lead singer, has confirmed she is in a relationship with 24 year old Aussie Big Brother contestant John James Parton. The couple have been dating for 18 months!
written by Danielle Bailey, 12 July 2010
Hulk embraces baldness
Hulk Hogan announces that he will no longer be wearing his bandana. Cotton prices expected to fall; Egyptian industry bigwigs said to be "perturbed."
written by The Jonner, 12 July 2010
No One Knows Why He Crossed Where He Did
The San Diego Chicken hit by drunken Mel Gibson as he tries to cross the road, 54.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Laura: "He Actually Said Nuclear!"
George Bush, in bed with a temperature, names Dick Cheney to head up the new bedpan balloonists group.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
He's Sick Shhhh!
Most U.S. librarians urge quiet response to Iran leader shooting off his mouth.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
After 25 Years
Someone finally kindly explains to dyslectic patriot that it's not the "Stripes and Stars"!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Violent Wristslappers At It Again
Why North Korea Cheonan sinking gets wrist slap from UN? "Because that's what we do!"
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Life Could Be A (Bad) Dream!
Al-Shabab Shaboom, Shaboom!! Credited With Latest Bombings!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
This Eclipse Special Somehow
Stargazers in awe as total eclipse caused by saucer-shaped UFO arcs across Pacific.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
BP Doesn't Get It!
BP robot slowly lowering oil cap toward Gulf leak, stops and yells "Danger Will Robinson!" laughs and goes back to work.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
"Sing, 'I'm 18', Alice!"
President Obama struck back at Boomers today by taking away licenses of 'Oldie But Goodies' stations. Bands regroup to perform live concerts at nursing facilities.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Heard It Plainly Over The Phone
Police in upstate New York say that killer fart was calling from inside the victim's house.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Key Issue Settled
The Supreme Court upholds "Measure Twice, Cut Once" in a 5-4 decision.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Geography Scores Down Again
American high school freshmen say they will march until the United America brings their troops home from Phillipstan!!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
BP Boss in PR gaffe
The head of BP has been attacked for saying that, "less sea birds means less bird shit on the Gulf Coast's cars. It's win-win"
written by The Jonner, 12 July 2010
Mom's Cooling It!
Census: Over 2000 after-school soccer Moms were injured in fights during the 2009 season. That's down 10% from 2008.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Witnesses Say He Walked 'Gayish'
The Suppository Bomber has made a total ass of himself!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Jolie, By Goaly
Angelina Jolie stated today that to prove her commitment to Brad Pitt, she's decided to give up sleeping with women. But, she gave Pitt a list of names to consult over likes, dislikes.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
DC Heat!
It was so hot in Washington, DC, that President Obama had to lower his nose so the sweat wouldn't get in it.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Big Dispute Over First Humans!
Fact that early humans settled in England 800,000 years ago disputed by archaeologist, who claims it was a week ago this Wednesday......before being taken away.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
She's A Goner!
Irish ballad "Gray Is The Color Of My True Love's Face" comes in second only to "O Danny Boy" as tear-jerker.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Neanderthal The Sailer Man!
According to a recent report, Neanderthals had giant, Popeye-like right arms, possibly due in part to an all-meat diet, women scarce. Also, toot-tooted a lot!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Maybe It's His Career That's Dead
Singer Prince says that the Internet is dead, according to The Drudge Report.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Obama's Numbers Fall!
Poll: 53% Think President Obama is a socialist. Other 47% think he wasn't born in the United States.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
57 Senators Show They Are Old!
New Poll: Given They Knew Then What They Know Now, 57 Senators
Wouldn't Have Voted for Whatever It Was They Were Talking About!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Violent Crimes Down
Although violent crime is down overall, non-violent crimes are up as more people agree with Ghandi approach.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Mel Gibson Fans Disappointed
Only 20 percent of those polled stated that Mel Gibson be given his 34th chance.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Soaps Getting Bolder
Pregnant After Oral Sex and Knife Fight: How? See today's episode of "As The Worm Turns".
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Spy Busted
Suspected Russian Spy Ring Busted in the U.S. Redhead REALLY Busted!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Pekar Buried
Police Report: Cult Comic Writer Pekar Dead at 70 in Ohio!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Twilight Effect
'Twilight' Effect: Teens Biting One Another? Lot's of "Bite Me!" say parents.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Not Much Sleep
The Next Horror Story: Phones on a Plane? You'll be able to hear ringtones from Barny songs to Beethovan.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Oil Could Be Contained
Thad Allen: After Cap, Oil Could Be Contained, to just the Gulf of Mexico!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Polanski A Free Pervert!
ROMAN HOLIDAY: Swiss Thumb Nose at U.S., Make Polanski a Free Pervert! Line up 13-year-olds!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
New Sexy Assistant
New sexy dental assistant helps men forget their pain, act more manly.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Lloyd Webber to write new musical "Moat"
Andrew Lloyd Webber today announced his intention to stage a musical based on the life of Raoul Moat. "We start casting next week with a view to premiere before Christmas," he stated.
written by The Jonner, 12 July 2010
UK confirms GDP growth at only 0.3%
percentage of people that care much lower.
written by criticize, 12 July 2010
ITV 2 reveal new reality show
ITV 2 today announced plans to produce a new reality show based on the exploits of Raoul Moat. "Moat's Mentalists" will be looking for contestants from next week. See itv2.com/moat for more details.
written by The Jonner, 12 July 2010
Mel Gibson Tries to become Jewish Black Woman
Mel Gibson is reportedly trying to become a Black Jewish woman in order to escape scrutiny for his hateful rant."It'll be OK if I say n*****,Jew and slap women around then,I might even get a TV show"
written by ronin47empire, 12 July 2010
Network Executives Merge Genres and Create the "Reality TV Infomercial"
Host Nick Cannon will sell his new book, "America's Got Talent, But I Sure Don't."
written by unknown
Network Executives Merge Genres and Create the "Reality TV Infomercial"
Other Infomercial spokesmen will unite for a special "We Remember Billy Mays" tribute video.
written by unknown
Network Executives Merge Genres and Create the "Reality TV Infomercial"
Survivor Winner Richard Hatch will sell his autobiography, "Why You Should Have Left Assholes Like Me On The Island."
written by unknown
Network Executives Merge Genres and Create the "Reality TV Infomercial"
Tiger Woods will sell his women's golf instructional video, "Playing With My Balls."
written by unknown
Network Executives Merge Genres and Create the "Reality TV Infomercial"
Past American Idol winners Fantasia Barino and Taylor Hicks will remind viewers why not to watch when just by performing.
written by unknown
Network Executives Merge Genres and Create the "Reality TV Infomercial"
BP will market their tried and true tactics for cleaning home spills (and waiting months to do it)
written by unknown
Network Executives Merge Genres and Create the "Reality TV Infomercial"
Rosie O'Donnells will sell her new exercise video: "I count a full spoon as weight lifting."
written by unknown
Network Executives Merge Genres and Create the "Reality TV Infomercial"
Kate Gosslin will hawk her new book, "How To Drive A Husband Away In Easy Steps"
written by unknown
Network Executives Merge Genres and Create the "Reality TV Infomercial"
The family with 19 kids (and counting) will demonstrate how to "not" use birth control.
written by unknown
Network Executives Merge Genres and Create the "Reality TV Infomercial"
Lindsay Lohan will sell designer prison clothing on her new show.
written by unknown
Six months after Haitian 7.0 quake....
...most Haitians still poor as dirt, haven't had a decent shake since.
written by Jack Van Gump, 12 July 2010
New VP Pics
V.P. Joe Biden photographed carrying book, "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Finding Bin Laden".
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
No One Asked Us For Permission!
BP Oil sues bird, animal clean up crews for "stealing our oil!"
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Donations Expected To POUR In!
Former Vice President Dick Cheney to do TV commercials for "Helping Out Our Good Friends, BP Oil".
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Good Ole Mel!
Mel Gibson's love of all the races of the earth continues!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Fidel Is Back
Smiling Fidel Castro seen in public for first time since 2006. Not quite so handsome these days say most.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
How About Family Of Victims?
I think I'm probably the only person who's ever watched his brother die on national TV in the UK, which is obviously horrific says Angus Moat. But Mum thought it would teach me a good lesson.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Moat Was Informer
Gunman Raoul Moat 'was a police informant for years'. 'Although we only believed about half of what he said', claims officer.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Just Saw This String On My Finger
'I'm used to incompetence but this takes the biscuit': Judge's attack on bungling officials who 'forgot' to bring thief to court for FOUR YEARS. Orders each one to take Alzheimers test.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Nutcases At It Again
'CLIMATE CHANGE' CALL TO GIVE UP AIR CONDITIONING! BUT HEAT WOULD CREATE RIOTS!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Investigation To Follow?
Cuban: NBA should examine how Heat got Big 3, Yankees got Big 27!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Another Jabba The Hut?
Spain World Cup team heads home for hero's welcome and to pay off Paul the Octopus.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Stuck On Tarmac
Govt says 5 Mayflies sat on tarmac over 3 hours. I'm sorry, that should have been "May Flights".
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Gaga At Lala Wedding
Carmelo Anthony, actress LaLa Vazquez wed in NYC. Lady Gaga, serves as LaLa's maid of honor.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Still A Long Way Off?
Alzheimer's advances show need for better horny toads!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Plan: Get In, Sell All You Can, Go Bankrupt
FDA to review first of 3 new weight loss drugs and how long it will take before a class action lawsuit against each will be.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Gulf Seafood Safe
NOAA: Gulf seafood tested so far is safe to eat, although not nearly as tasteful.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
After Long Study
European Space Agency looking closely at asteroid. They think it's a rock!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Getting The Lead Out!
World stocks lifted by China trade, precious metals gains as lead, China's leading export, up to 50 cents per ounce.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Everybody Else Losing Theirs
Obama spokesman says Democrats could lose House. "Just as long as it's not MY house", replies President.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Obama Blames Bush
President Obama says that he blames George W. Bush for wife making him sleep on the couch!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Not True, It Was Bush!
Obama denies that he caused oil spill on purpose to cut drilling for oil.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Many Could Become Extinct
Many victims of the BP oil spill, including BP Oil, could become extinct.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
No Escape?
Baby animals of the oil spill face an uncertain future unless they migrate to other shores, but BP may already be there.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Maybe Saudis
Immigration to rich countries fell during crisis. Mostly because there ARE no rich countries anymore.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Dinosaur A 'Dinosaur' In Vermont
Vt. scrap-wood dinosaur posing modern-day problem. "Since it's head rotted off, non of the kiddies want to see it anymore", says caretaker.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Headed For NKorea?
What have prosecutors proved about Blagojevich? That he would make an excellent replacement for Kim Jong Il.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Blagojevich Loony?
What have prosecutors proved about Blagojevich? That he'll probably get off because of being nutty as a fruitcake.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
BP Reports Progress...Of Sorts
BP reports progress on oil cap as only 95% of oil now escaping; Gulf Coast waits!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Buried Cabbage Pots Again?
NKorea, US-led UN Command to meet over stinking. I'm sorry, that should be 'sinking'.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Even Some Islamic Nations
US should better define, counter Islamic extremism. That goes for most of the world, also.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
A Health Hazzard
An uncertain future: Health department to shut down Lazy Acres Mobile Home Dump!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Cooling Chile Peppers
Red Hot Chili Peppers Stored in Cool Arctic Doomsday Vault! Fans of the group object!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Condor Needs Help
Can Culture Make the California Condor Wild Again? No, but Hollywood facelifts would help both sexes to get wild again.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Drives The Males Wild
Can Culture Make the California Condor Wild Again? Hollywood will lend a hand to try dress the female sexually.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Wild As A Condor
Can Culture Make the California Condor Wild Again?
No, but a naked female Condor could!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Planned Freebies For Votes
Keeping unemployment benefits flowing for millions of workers whose jobs were eaten by the recession should have been a slam dunk in an election year. But honest people want jobs, not handouts!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Polanski Announcement
Swiss to make Polanski announcement Monday. Expected to be told that he is one horny old pervert, but we all know that.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Spies Hurt US
Attorney general: Russian spies posed threat to US. "That redhead could make anyone talk."
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
"Those Came Fron OUR House!"
Fights over land, rocks, bricks stall Haiti earthquake recovery.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
New Facts About Blagojevich?
What have prosecutors learned about Blagojevich? That his real first name is Pestrovilamastestone.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
What About Blagojevich?
What have prosecutors proved about Blagojevich? That underneath the funny wig...nothing!
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Lower Credit Scores
More Americans' credit scores sink to new lows, especially those that ask for a 'loan' of a buck for a cup of coffee.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Seeing Is Believing
NY woman questioned again and again over ID mix-up! Finally she SHOWS them that she is not the man they are seeking.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Full Plate
Congress returns to a full plate. Average weight gain is 5 pounds the first week back.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Congress Back In Session
Congress returns to a full plate. Just like always, they want to fill their bellies first.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Amazon Fishermen After The 'Big One'
Amazon river dolphins being slaughtered for bait as river fishermen try to catch 'The Big One'"
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Credit Scores Lower
More Americans' credit scores sink to new lows. Average Joe says that is good. "Will keep me from borrowing so much!"
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Spain Wins Cup! #2
Spain glory in win as Francisco Franco comes out of grave and blows the vuvuzela, gets back in.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Spain Wins Cup!
Spain celebrates World Cup win with a crescendo of vuvuzelas that cause many to become deaf for months.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Slight Dispute Over Numbers
BP says oil spill costs climb to $3.5 billion. "More like $35 billion", claims US Government.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
World Cup Watchers Attacked
Blasts hit World Cup watchers in Uganda, kill 64 as Idiots Disease spreads claiming more innocent people.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Spanish striker to record a song
Iniesta is to record a song with 80s group Musical Youth called Passed the Dutchie on the Left Hand side.
written by IainB, 12 July 2010
Department of Justice Sues all Illegal Immigrants
Calif. promises 12 million illegal immigrants amnesty, a house & a job for voting Republican! DOJ suing illegal's for breach of contract, as Pres. Obama already promised amnesty for voting Democratic.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 July 2010
You Don't have to be Gay
Many Democratic far left liberal members of Congress are not Gay, but are still political assholes!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 July 2010
Nanny State Bureau of Healthy Eating
Obama establishes NSBHE to direct callers to the nearest healthy eating cafes, where large orders of Brussels sprouts are served. Call background noise is operators munching on double cheeseburgers!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 July 2010
Small Town Banks Screwed by Wall Street Reform Bill
5000 pages of new regulations on small town banks, which had nothing to do with Wall Street meltdown, will hamper loans to small businesses. New jobs for bank regulators, no private sector growth!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 July 2010
The Law of Washington DC Stupidity
The stupidity of the Obama administration/Democratic Congress is directly proportional to the square of the large number of inexperienced, incompetent and corrupt far left wing liberal loons involved.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 July 2010
Cuba Makes Breakthrough in Human Cloning
A young looking Fidel Castro appeared in public for the first time in awhile. Many Cuba watchers believe Cuban researchers have mastered the art of human cloning!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 July 2010
VP Biden Denied Medicare Coverage
Pres. Obama's new Medicare chief denies coverage for VP Biden's chronic foot-in-mouth disease. Treatment must be reserved for a Democratic left wing liberal, where the possibility of a cure exists!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 July 2010
Rear Ending
A San Francisco CA man was arrested for rear ending another male supermarket shopper. Bystanders said the incident happened inside the supermarket on the checkout line!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 July 2010
10,000th Military Coup
South American military coup of day before yesterday overthrown by military coup.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Much Bigger Audience
Only 99 percent of Americans ignored the World Cup Games this year whereas it is usually 99.9%
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Obesity Study Hilarious
"Obesity study one of the funniest things I have ever been involved in", claims professor. "Come look at these Wally World shots."
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Paul Predicts Again
Paul the Octopus predicts that the war in Afghanistan will go into overtime.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Once It Was 'Draft'
A group of American Democrats have presented a "Daft Al Gore Movement". "Before he embarrasses the rest of us."
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Biden Holding Forth
Biden Does Leno routine, Stops Traffic at Los Angeles Passengers Furious at "Idiot" Vice President.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Latest On The Well
Effort to seal well may not be in place until Wednesday. Not sure what week.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Paul Predicts
Paul the Octopus predicts that Elizabeth Taylor's health will improve to the point that she recalls husband #4.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Candy Recall Also
Lars Milky Way has recalled all of it's Kit Kilt Bars, as of today.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
New Recall!
General Mills has announced the recall of all it's boxes of Glan Flakes Cereal.
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Sound Operation
Patient says she was awake during operation. Says she heard: "Give me some of that oxygen, Allen, Dr. Hamilton has been into the cabbage again."
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
Glad They're Happy
BP happy with latest oil leak effort. "We certainly stopped it for a short while there, did we not?"
written by Bureau, 12 July 2010
