Serena Rules Down Under
Indeed she does. In between sets, she ripped some thunder that rocked the stadium.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Gay Dating Ad Sacked by CBS
"Not 2 Queer 4 U" ad featuring Rosie O'Donnell in a bath tub considered too scary for children.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Airlines Begin Putting Hundreds of Pilots on Furlough
As half the country is put on "No Fly List"
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Could $$$ Deal End War with Taliban?
Sounds like Attila the Hun, All OveraGun
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Justice Department Scrutinizing BCS Scheme
In ploy to get more free tickets to BCS Games for family and friends.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Toyota: Gas Pedal Fix Near
In the Meantime, Use only the Brake Pedal
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
"My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean, My Bonnie Lies Over The Sea,...."
Sounds to me like Bonnie needs to learn how to tell the truth.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State hopes to raise money to pay for this by turning in population as part of "Cash for Clunkers."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Jethro Bodine no longer permitted as the poster child for the state's higher education.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Sanitary human waste removal facilities will be referred to as restrooms or bathrooms, not crappers or shitters.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Metallic knives, forks, and spoons will replace plastic sporks at all state dinners.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Rejected State Motto: Arkansas; Where a girl acting sheepish is a whole other turn-on.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
New State Motto Suggestion: We're training the Young Woman of the future to be footloose and fancy free, not just barefoot and pregnant.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
New State Law: No more shotguns at wedding, even if your daughter is pregnant or dove season just started.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Rejected State Motto: Real soon, our biggest city's gonna have enough people to call it Large Rock
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Rejected State Motto Idea: Arkansas, where the family of the bride is also the family of the groom.
written by unknown
Left Out Of "Twilight; New Moon"
Part left out of recent Twilight movie: "We've got one of those suckers trapped", yelled the Sergeant. "He's in the funhouse of mirrors and he'll never be able to see himself out!"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Nick Griffin Is Confident in Winning the Next Election
BNP leader, Nick Griffin, looks forward to winning the next General Election after reading how Margaret Thatcher won hers by eating 28 eggs a day. He says that he gets pelted by at least 30 a day.
written by IN SEINE, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snow Job
Storm dumps 4-7" of snow on Northern Arkansas, causes power outage. Weather service expects 4-7" more tonight. Huddled with brother/father under blanket for warmth, Britney Sue expects same.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 30 January 2010
Council Offers Taxi Drivers Application Forms in Braille.
Portsmouth city council are offering taxi permits for drivers in Braille!
However, Portsmouth is well known for its 'blind alleys'.
written by IN SEINE, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Governor Declares Emergency
Gov. Mike Beebe declares emergency in Arkansas after massive winter storm leaves most of state without power. Millions of frozen residents unable to read stupid snippets making fun of them.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 30 January 2010
Mini Problem gets Bigger
News headline: "Honda recalls 646,000 minicars"
written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Britney hires dog sickness 'tec
Britney Spears = Rent Rabies Spy
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Britney ensnared by religion?
Britney Spears = Nearby Priests
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Check of Britney's church affiliation!
Britney Spears = Presbyterians
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Clinton hometown talking dirty?
Little Rock, Arkansas = Re: Anorak's Clit Talks
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Miss Arkansas 2010 Is A Moose
No, really. She really is a moose.
written by Skoob1999, 30 January 2010
Clinton hometown makes eunuchs of JFK grassy knoll deniers
Little Rock, Arkansas = Castrate A Knoll Risk
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Bill Clinton hometown dragged into Scottish church tragedy
Little Rock, Arkansas = Lost A Ancestral Kirk
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Bill Clinton's Zaprudder footage Irish detractors
Little Rock, Arkansas = Knoll's IRA Attackers
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Clinton's birthplace honored
Little Rock, Arkansas = Askance A Skirt Troll
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Lydon on Iraq
"The war on Iraq was illegal but the war on Cowell is pleasingly legal."
written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Tolerates Mutants
"We don't have a choice," Spokesman says. "If'n we gut rid of the mutants they'd be nobody left heah."
written by Skoob1999, 30 January 2010
Rush Libaugh chucks fudgepacker
Rush Limbaugh = I Hurl Bum Shag
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rush Limbaugh a Bush Jr stooge?
Rush Limbaugh = Hail Shrub Mug
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rush Limbaugh in the doldrums...
Rush Limbaugh = Ah, Glum Hubris
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Rush Libaugh secrets revealed...
Rush Limbaugh = A Bush Girl Hum...He Screwed Jenna?????
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "The little pinetree shaped deororizers are for your car...not a necklace."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Children who are kept after school for disciplinary reasons should find their parents playing on the monkey bars awaiting their release.
written by unknown
GOP's subterranean FGM policy?
Republican Party = Prune Labia Crypt
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
A hunting license, fishing license, marraige license, and drivers license will no longer be on the same form.
written by unknown
GOP's Sarah Palin 2008 freakshow?
Republican Party = Run Lippy Cabaret
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Persons with four first names, such as Billy Joe Jim Bob, should decide which one to put on their nametags.
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #32
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Where the 42nd President of The United States Could Pop Out Any Trailer Door At Sunrise!"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Miss Arkansas pageant contestants to be taught that Miss Congeniality will no longer be the girl who puts out for the most judges.
written by unknown
GOP? They're just pussycats!
Republican Party = Capable Tiny Purr
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
GOP pay-as-you go grease?
Republican Party = Pre-pay Lubricant
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #31
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Where You're Never More Than Five Miles From A Moonshine Still"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Artificial Turf will be put down at local ballfields to keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
The state will no longer base their economy on the amount of trading done at the flea market.
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #30
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Sharp As A Razorback, And Prettier Too!
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
All girls in the Miss Arkansas Pageant will be required to shave their legs and armpits before the swimsuit competition.
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #29
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Let The New Madrid Fault Shake! We're On Wheels!"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Halloween vampire teeth will no longer be sold as dentures.
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #28
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Home of the 300-Mile Trailer Park Yard Sale!"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #27
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "We average two more teeth than those in Kentucky!"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "Remember, it isn't nice to refer to them colored fellers as Porch Monkeys."
written by unknown
Arkansas Plans #26
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism:"We Are Family...All State Kinfolks Are We!"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #25
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Our Beast of Bentonville can whip King Kong and Godzilla's ass!"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #24
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: Governor orders all pink flamingos in the yard to be repainted.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Dems dragging heels on legalising drugs
Democratic Party = Tardy Coca Permit
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Dems' desert plant prey
Democratic Party = My Cacti Predator
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Dems' daft frozen verse
Democratic Party = Arctic Mad Poetry
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Dems check out northern tundra hair balsam
Democratic Party = Try Arctic Pomade
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Dems back teetotal Saudi loyalist
Democratic Party = Dry Mecca Patriot
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Dems ok military marijuana plan
Democratic Party = Accredit Army Pot
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Dems' underground heartcare plan
Democratic Party = Aorta Medic Crypt
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Dems commited to statistics secrecy
Democratic Party = More Cryptic Data
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Dems guard winter theatricals
Democratic Party = Protect Icy Drama
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Dems' frozen bullring vault
Democratic Party = Matador Ice Crypt
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Dems' funnyman plug-in advice
Democratic Party = Try Comic Adapter
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #23
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Imagine Mississippi Without All That Pazazz!"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Dems' fetid dumpster blamed
Democratic Party = A Dirty Compacter
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #22
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism. "Visit the third world without leaving the USA"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Dems' secrets revealed!
Democratic Party = Cramped Atrocity
written by queen mudder, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Plans #21
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism. Changes state emblem from buzzard to vulture.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Arizona Police Bust Septic Truck Holding $400k of MJ!
Ad Sign on truck said, "Your Shit is my Bread and Butter!" Cops say after sampling product Driver is now in the middle of a shit sandwich, no matter whose septic tank he claims he pumped.
written by unknown
Interactive Monkey Zoo in Pattyla Big Hit with Russians!
Stoned Russians at Zoo having time of their lives in Shit Slinging Wars with Chimps. "This is more fun than paint ball games with those Chetniks." said one. Curators say Chimps still bored but happy.
written by unknown
"Ted The Head" Hired
Ted Williams head to manage the Washington Nations Baseball Team this season. Will manage from special cooler-type booth.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Six Killed in Pedi Cab Road Rage Incident in Pattyla!
An elephant, cut off, bumped, and flipped off while trying to navigate a Pattyla round about, crushed 3 pedi cabs, their occupants, and a side walk vendor in a fit of road rage. A Caution was issued.
written by unknown
Deflation Follows Speech
President Obama's reassurance that inflation will not happen while he is president encourages everyone but those with erectile dysfunction & wives.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
It's Been Confirmed
Actuaries, after consulting with astronomers, say that there really are more grains of sand in the sea than stars in the sky, but new discoveries could change that.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Thais Flock to New Screen Sensation: "Elephants Gone Wild!"
'taint nothin' mate," said UK visitor, "seen worse on the M5 at rush hour. We don't usually splash all those guts and gore on the front page, I will say that, though! Bloody Rags!"
written by unknown
They Be Drones Aboarrrrd
US may place military drones on any ships near the area of the Somali pirates. "Ahoy, be ye friend or.." BOOM!
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Troops Getting Good Training
Training for Special Forces being trained at Fort Huachuca, Arizona for desert-like conditions and near Las Vegas for other types of climate, including three-day passes.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Tripped Battery Security Alarms
Snowstorm which caused several blackouts in the Southeast after knocking out electricity blamed by dozens of burglars for getting caught.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Used Other Player's Jersey, Helmet
Richie Incognito lost his job with the Rams because of a pair of personal fouls. He also lost $50,000. "I still don' see how they knew it was me", stated Incognito.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Clouds To Shade Death Valley
Ralph Nader already dropping hints: I will seed clouds and remove drought areas if elected next president.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
New Postage Stamps
New postage stamps issued with Idi Amin and Pol Pot, both remembered for their war against overpopulation.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Dart Player Wes Newtons winning dart falls to the ground
Dart player Wes Newtons winning dart falls out of the board to the ground to remind him of Newtons law of gravity.
written by SPECTRUM, 30 January 2010
Political Correctness at it's worst.
A man with ancestors from many different places insists on being called an European/Asian/African/South American/North American/Australian-American.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Huge Storm Predicted
Responding to foul weather alerts people cleared stores of bread. In an unrelated story, the local bakery recently bought the National Weather Service.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Wanted: Mascot
Must have big goofy head with oversize features. Fur a plus. Garish colours very good. Giant feet very good, dancing ability a plus. If you have a costume with the above features, that's good too.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
New Warning Label 4
On a bag of cement "Not for use as a floatation device. Shoes made from this will sink."
written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Animal Rights Terrorist Trampled
Chester Twitfield was trampled to death by a hippopotamus he freed from a local zoo before it was put to death. Twitfield's last words were, "Is this ironic or what?"
written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Political Correctness goes awry
The American Military will no longer issue dog tags to members. American Service men and women will now be issued Canine-American tags.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Pet Vs Computer
Today a large very hungry tabby cat ate every single computer mouse in a local Radio Shed store.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
New Warning Label 3
On a cell phone..."For EXTERNAL USE ONLY"
written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
David Walliams on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so is shagging your granny."
written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
David Walliams on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so is shagging your granny."
written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Prince Phillip on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so is fox hunting, Tally Ho!"
written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
The FBI on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so was the shooting of John Lennon."
written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Roman Knife Predats Swiss
The Roman Army Knife including skeleton key to chastity belts: Or how the ingenuity of the Swiss was beaten by 1,800 years.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Scientists Warn Of Global Cooling
Cold comfort: Pictures show seal pups, members of England's polar bear club. revelling in the Arctic conditions... in Lincolnshire, Britain.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Police Find Two Snoozing Away
Exit, bear left: Attempt to tranquilize marauding animal gets a little hairy as shooter hits his partner, then his own foot.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
City Council Clueless
City council issues 'inclusive' taxi driver licence applications in BRAILLE. "We cannot show favors", states apparent idiot.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Saudi Clerics Issue Fatwa to Regulate Fatwas!
Concerned they can't keep up with Fatwas, Clerics say they are limiting number of Fanatics that can issue them. Push is also on to put all Fatwas under one simple umbrella: EVERYBODY MUST DIE!
written by unknown
Council Snoopers Get their Thrills
Council snoopers question five-year-olds on home life. "Does daddy make mum make whimpering moans at night?"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Blair Under Fire
You're a liar and murderer they screamed at him: Fury in public gallery as Blair says 'I have not a regret' but few shoes thrown.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Toyota Chief Apologizes
Toyota chief apologises to motorists as it is revealed 'sticky accelerator' problem could affect Citroën, Peugeot & walkers along highways.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Developer Outwits Planners
Property developer outwits planners by building £500,000 home disguised as a barn, another as a silo.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Judge Advises John Terry
High Court judge tells England captain John Terry you can't keep affair with team mate's girlfriend, especially after I've just told everyone.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Pork For Porking
Pork better for sex than Viagra? Tiger Woods to promote "the other white meat".
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
More Golf Cheats
McCarron accuses PGA star Mickelson, three others of 'cheating'. No mistress, just using a different club.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Elastic Bands can't fix Greece
Germany to Greece: "Your profligate ways are coming to an end."
written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Not Impressed
Nintendo chief unimpressed with Apple's iPad, even with the one he was spotted using later.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
"Sticky Pedals" causing severe work-related stress
Superman books himself into voluntary rehab - "So many sticky pedals, so little time."
written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
The Queen on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so is keeping down the proletariat."
written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
The Pope on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so was Hitler's invasion of Poland."
written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
Blair on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so is using class C drugs."
written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
David Cameron Op Shock
Tory leader David Cameron is to undergo removal of a life time irritable skin tag - his tongue!
written by iscrivener, 30 January 2010
NASA Pissed Over Budget
NASA to get more money, but must scratch moon plan, new piss-to-water machines.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Jobless Object
Obama: Cutting deficit as important as job growth. "Not to we who are jobless", say critics.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
"A rude awakening"
Obama's declares he's "No ideologue" - yeah, and gravity works backwards
written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Comparing UK to Thailand
New resident says "Back home you couldn't shit where you ate, over here no one gives a shit where you shit of if you shit a'tal.Nice to be able to just shit without thinking, clears yer fooking mind!"
written by unknown
Remember Clintons & Chinese
Critics raise specter of foreign campaign spending on US elections as if their funding hasn't been funneled in for the past 50 years.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Obama Blind Spot
GOP: Obama has 'blind spot' on terror war. "Good jobs can't help dead people."
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Obama undermines American Security
Cancels F22 knowing Russia has plans to export its copy of the F22 to America's enemies.
written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Books A Must
Books a must-have even in sluggish economy according to poll. Mostly books about survival.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
"America Should Reach for the Stars"
Obama's version: I dont' want NASA going to the moon. In fact, I want them grounded.
written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
UK Poet Trades in Lady Bugs for Lady Boys: Claims he's Glad He S witched!
Commenting on the difference in pests while sipping a Rum Toddy on Pattaya Beach, writer says, "Lady Boys don't bite and swarm all over ya ...back home you went to jail if ya told one to bugger off!"
written by unknown
Pretending to be doing something
Obama declares "$5,000 tax break per new hire" when he knew or should have known that it will be: "up to $5,000 tax break per new hire".
written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
A Little Depressed
Southeastern US stares down icy, snowy, wind-chilling, good time for a suicide weekend.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Next Year: Hawaii
Snow causes cancellation of The National Nudist Convention in Bar Harbor, Maine!
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Ford Motor Cars - 'doing it for themselves'
sales booming, profits soaring and a partridge in a pear tree
written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
UN Climat Chief Knew "Too Much" but did "Too Little"
that the Himalayan glacier melting report was widely inaccurate, but failed to correct the report ahead of Copenhagen
written by Tcoah, 30 January 2010
Tourists' Most Memorable Visions of Pattaya
Bunch of Dead Poets just hangin' around waiting to be discovered
written by unknown
Tsars virus?
Russian President Vladimir Putin was criticised today for appointed a new drugs tsar. "It's in bad taste, we got rid of the tsars a century ago and now they're bringing them back," said a peasant.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 30 January 2010
Pentagon Starts Cock
Pentagon starts cock on lifting gay ban. I'm sorry, that should be "Pentagon starts clock on lifting gay ban."
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Poll: Would You Take a Sex Vacation in Arkansas?
Readers Reply:" Not in a Pigs Ass....Unless I couldn't get my visa for Pattyla!"
written by unknown
Miss American Contest
53 beauty queens from 53 different states vie for Miss America crown.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
US Military Backs Off
The U.S. military says it has halted flights carrying Haitian earthquake victims to the United States in a dispute over French saying we're 'taking over' Haiti.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Elin Woods' Simple Solution to Tiger's Sex Situation!
SNIP IT!
written by unknown
It's The Regulators Inquisition!
Regulators shut down banks in 5 states "Just because we can!"
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Japanese Less Worried About Recall
Japan not as worried about US Toyota recalls, as long as they don't have to recall their cars locally in Japan.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Bin Laden Not Happy
Bin Laden blasts US for climate change, Swine Flu, Haiti earthquake, common cold and "causing me to live on stuff that gives me the shits."
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
You'll Need Binoculars To Really Appreciate
Biggest and Brightest Full Moon of 2010 Tonight, as Kirstie Alley positions herself atop the Empire State Building!
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Afghan Taliban Punked
Afghan Taliban deny meeting with United Nation's representatives. Apparently it was Tareq and Michaele Salahi once again.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Hang 'Em High!
Skyrocketing costs may have doomed NYC terrorist trial plan as one million hanging mob outside door could have been a problem.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
No To Exchanges!
China suspends military exchanges with US. US citizens say that that is alright with them.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
3D porno films are on their way, Caligula is the first, dirty old Romans!
A 3D porno version of Caligula is about to ejaculate all over the planet, cinemas are busy designing Roman temples inside for the 3D orgies, price includes condoms and a quickie in the break!
written by unknown
Snoop Dogg wants to appear in Coronation Street
When Irishman John Murphy heard that Snoop Dogg wants to appear in Coronation Street he asked how is he going to cope
without Charlie Brown.
written by SPECTRUM, 30 January 2010
Woods they are all in rehab
Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood has checked into rehab because of booze,Tiger Woods in rehab because of birdies and birdie Woody Woodpecker is in rehab because he can't stop pecking.
Would you believe it.
written by SPECTRUM, 30 January 2010
John Edwards Sex Tape Not Drawing Well on UTube!
According to internet ratings John's romp with pregnant mistress, entitled
"Hump a Frump" just isn't making it finishing even behind Letterman tape
"What I'd Do to My Interns if I had 10 inches!"
written by unknown
Obama Vows to Back College Football Playoff Scheme!
President says it will give him something to watch on Saturdays between December and June, which only features basketball now. Players demand salaries and benefits must rise to match new shedule!
written by unknown
Clinton Library in Arkansas Taken off National Register!
Said one disgusted tourist returning to her Bus Tour, " Who would want to spend their time and money visiting this' Pig Stye'..it's all just about HIM!"
written by unknown
Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton Protest New Arkansas Ad Campaign!
Seeking financial compensation, the pair of racial extortionists took exception to new ad campaign touting Pork as "The Other White Meat." Danny Glover agrees to be spokesman praising Dark Meat!
written by unknown
Arkansas Pig Farmers Rally for More Government 'Porkulus' Programs!
"We've been advocating this alternative to sex for years," said Bubba Mayberry,
"we stand fully behind it...if you hold their ears they don't even move much, and even appear to enjoy it!"
written by unknown
Arkansas Residents Deemed Nation's Most 'Optically Challenged!'
Nutritionists and Optometrists lay blame on Natives' Propensity for, and addiction to, PULLED PORK. "If they keep this up," said one expert, "eventually they'll even lose sight of themselves!"
written by unknown
Careers on the Rise and Fall
Falling: Postal Carrier, Bank Teller, Teacher, Human Resources Manager.
Rising: Government Executive, Torture Specialist, Presidential Grief Counselor, Burger Flipper, Spoof Writer.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Pentagon Starts Clock on Gay Women
New Rules to prohibit slow lifting of skirts for other women. Only quickies to be allowed.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Toyota Says New Gas Pedals Being Shipped From Afghanistan
Once installed, just step on the gas and KABOOM! you are now a land mine victim
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Barbara Streisand: Corporations Taking Over U.S.
Really Barb, I hadn't noticed.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Texas Leads in High Growth Rate Cities for Spoofers
San Antonio, Texas leading with biggest Tall Tale Tellers next to Bush City
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
New Report: Ultrasound Not Foolproof
No matter the findings, it could still be an alien.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
George Stephanopolous Learns He is Related to Hillary Clinton
through an ancient humanoid, Brainalessanus Assahollis
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Government: Don't Send Breast Milk to Haiti
U.S. Troops Busy Inspecting all Functional Breasts, say Plenty to Go Around.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Honda Recalls 646,000 Cars
Says Fit for Fire Sales Only.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Arnold Shwartzenegger Implimints New Cost Cutting Plan in Education Sector
Starting in Fall, 2010, all entering High School Students who can pass a statewide test for 6th grade literacy will be given a H.S. Diploma, thus saving the State a ton of money.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Top Private Bankers Hold Meeting on How to Fight Government Reforms
The meeting is being held at the regular place, Jekyll Island.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Government GDP Report Overstates Economy Health
Nooooo, that just can't be true.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
O'Bomba Team Unveils New "Double Stimulus Program"
All Busted Broke Citizens will be provided with two dozen "Double Coupon" coupons to aid their grocery shopping finances. Coupons distributed upon receipt of 1040 Filings.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
U.S. Economy Grows at Fastest Pace in any Six Second Period Known
According to White House Propagandists, the U.S. Economy grew like no tomorrow during a six second period when $25 B was turned over to Government Motors to purchase their entire production for 2010.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #01
The Arkansas Board of Education is instructing teachers to tell their students that grandparents will no longer be allowed to be brought in for 'Show & Tell.'
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #02
The Arkansas Department of Food and Nutrition has stated that cornbread will no longer be allowed to be used as a main course.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #03
Arkansas has passed an ordinance making it illegal for a male resident to take his own cousin to the high school senior prom no matter how many of her children he may have fathered.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #04
The state of Arkansas has announced that the age old practice of trying to force dogs to mate with cats will no longer be tolerated, no matter how happy it may appear to make the dogs.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #05
The Arkansas school system will ask the teenage girls that they please refer to their breasts as breasts and not as 'Dem thangs dat my boyfriend likes to be suckin' on.'
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #06
The Arkansas Board of Health states that teenage boys will no longer be allowed to put a girl's kazoo in their mouth's without her permission.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #07
Arkansas restaurants will no longer be allowed to serve vegetable soup that contains possum eyes, squirrel nuts, or beaver lips.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #08
All Arkansas police officers will be asked to please start wearing their boxer shorts underneath their uniforms instead of over them.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #09
The governor of Arkansas has issued a proclamation stating that beer will no longer be allowed as a lunch box beverage for students in grades 1 through 6.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #10
Arkansas in order to present a more favorable impression to the rest of the states asks all of its residents to please remember that the state beverage is milk and not moonshine.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #11
The Arkansas Legislature has just passed a bill that shotguns will no longer be allowed in church.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #12
Arkansas will no longer allow the practice of Kentucky Fried Chicken drive-thru's selling chicken feed.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #13
The Arkansas Legislature has just announced a new law that makes the old habit of making sling shots out of grandma's old bras illegal.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #14
Arkansas is spending thousands of dollars on billboards reminding women with 10 or more kids that birth control pills work much better when taken orally than when inserted into their joyboxes.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #15
Arkansas has just issued a mandate instructing that all of the state's firemen please ride in the fire truck instead of on their horse.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #16
The Arkansas Health Organization has stated that effective immediately all state sponsored blood drives will be used to collect blood and blood only; not ear wax, belly button lint, or sperm.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #17
Effective immediately all Arkansas teachers are asked to teach the students that the state insect is the honeybee and not the damn cockroach.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #18
Arkansas has started a billboard program which states that the state song is "Arkansas You Run Deep In Me" and not "The Hokey Pokey."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #19
The Arkansas Chamber of Commerce will conduct an ad promotion stating that Arkansas is the Trout Capital of The USA and not the Trouser Trout Capital of The USA.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Snapshots #20
Arkansas wants to remind each one of its citizens that the state mineral is Quartz Crystal and not petrified razorback shit.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 January 2010
Wanted: Speech writer for George W. Bush
Must be eloquent. Must not make Bush look bad. Must write suave and witty jokes. Must spell any word with more than three letters fo-net-ick-lee. Ability to absorb critic's abuse a plus.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Clinton Threatens China's Energy Supply If They Don't Follow U.S. Orders
Orders to Put the Thump On Iran for Presumably Doing what Israel Already did With U.S. Assistance.
China quaking in their boots.
written by Richard DagNabbit, 30 January 2010
Buyer's Remorse
Most people who bought toy otas are now wishing they had bought real otas instead.
written by Adam Click, 30 January 2010
Another Fist Fight On Floor
Japanese emperor threatens to sent entire parliament to fight in Afghanistan if they don't quit fighting fighting themselves.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Tax Czar Cheated
Obama's choice of new tax czar admits to cheating on his taxes. "See. He'll know all the dodges", says Prez.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
"Supplying The Army With The Tools Of The Trade"
Consumer spending up. Mostly the military. Drones flying off the shelf as soon as they are built.
written by Bureau, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Locals advised not to say "get the hell outta here, you damned yankee" until after maximizing tourists spending.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State wanted to bring in a Sea World: Little Rock, but plans were scrapped when Bass Pro Shops wanted to open a location next door.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Sex education in junior high school will no longer include instruction on various positions or the Kama Sutra.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Old tires and toilets will no longer be permitted in yards as planters.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Old wire "Spools" will no longer be considered acceptable as lawn furniture.
written by unknown
Atomic Energy Commission Designates Arkansas as New Toxic Waste Dump!
Said an AEC spokeman, "Hey, they already have Bill & Hillary..how much worse could it get!" According to a hand vote in senate taken by Joe Biden, 56 of the 57 states agreed with the assesment.
written by unknown
Gay Marriage OK in Arkansas Renews Calls for New State Anthem!
Local AM stations have been overwhelmed with requests for "Dueling Banjos' to commemorate couples wedding night! Stars from 'Deliverance' say experience still too painful to talk about.
written by unknown
Arkansas Senator Confronts ACORN Worker Who Says "He Can't Tell Ass From Hole In Ground!
After studing the Obama Supporter, whose pants were down to his ankles, the Senator Drawled, "Well boy, at least I know enough to cover mine up! *
written by unknown
Arkansas Genealogy Czar Quits in Frustration!
After 22 years on job traces everyone back to just one tap root named Bubba!
written by unknown
Arkansas Department of Education Adopts Hillary's Children's Book for Sex Education!
The book, "The Pig in the Blanket and Me" is said to be on it's 4th printing.
NYT Says: "the prose is direct, to the point and has great instructural value. It's the Pictures that are disgusting!"
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Waitresses in fine dining establishements advised "always serve water and drinks in clean glasses. Clean contact lenses are good also."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "If using flea and tick shampoo on the dog doesn't work, try using them on yourself (and washing your sheets)."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "When spitting at the funeral home, make sure it's a spitoon and not someone's ashes."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
New adult education course: Brooms, mops, and glass spray; why these can be used by more than the Janitor in the schools.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Health classes in schools will now teach more than chigger removal and why not to eat from the dog's dish.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "Don't wear black bras with white, lacey tops, even if you do hope to get lucky."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State Universities to add Chicken Plucking as a degree program to increase population with higher education.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Socks with flip flops are now a fashion no-no.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State announces they'll match Washington's first time home buyer tax rebate for everyone purchasing a new double-wide.
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Newspapers announce that they'll hire reporters to cover the news so that the papers will have more than the comics and garage sale ads.
written by unknown
Ronald McDonald Fired
Ronald McDonald was fired today from the McDonald's corporation after he publicly stated he is a vegan and meat is murder.
written by Xinix Xaxx, 30 January 2010
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all state residents announces: "If you want to masturbate to pictures in a porn magazine, buy it and take it out of the store first."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "A stick of deodorant is not a lifetime supply."
written by unknown
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
By state law, peeing for distance contests are no longer allowed on freeway overpasses.
written by unknown
