Of the blow-up rubber variety
Hadron Collider = In Hardcore Doll
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Harrah's Casinos Welcome 100,000 Has Beens For This Weekend's Live Performances
Miss America First Runner Ups not invited, as the show is for has beens, not wanna-be and never was.
written by unknown
Tenants always late with the rent...
Hadron Collider = Heroic Landlord
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Harrah's Casinos Welcome 100,000 Has Beens For This Weekend's Live Performances
All former reality show winners to receive the special tribute that they deserve: they aren't invited.
written by unknown
Harrah's Casinos Welcome 100,000 Has Beens For This Weekend's Live Performances
All former Charlie's Angels will wear bras on set together for the first time, as otherwise their tits may fight with their knees for screen time.
written by unknown
Harrah's Casinos Welcome 100,000 Has Beens For This Weekend's Live Performances
Jethro Bodine may have made it past 7th grade by now.
written by unknown
Harrah's Casinos Welcome 100,000 Has Beens For This Weekend's Live Performances
Former Mouseketeer Timmy says "maybe my old co-stars will have something better than just training bras."
written by unknown
Harrah's Casinos Welcome 100,000 Has Beens For This Weekend's Live Performances
Few former 60's child stars to attend, unless they do a remote broadcast from The Betty Ford Clinic
written by unknown
Harrah's Casinos Welcome 100,000 Has Beens For This Weekend's Live Performances
Tony Orlando doesn't bring Dawn, since they like to sleep in past 11:00.
written by unknown
Harrah's Casinos Welcome 100,000 Has Beens For This Weekend's Live Performances
All the Menudo guys are too fat to fit into their old Spandex sequined costumes
written by unknown
Harrah's Casinos Welcome 100,000 Has Beens For This Weekend's Live Performances
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown on stage together for the first time since their Heavyweight Title Boxing Match
written by unknown
Harrah's Casinos Welcome 100,000 Has Beens For This Weekend's Live Performances
Now they'll all get their 16th minute of fame.
written by unknown
Institue of Welsh Affairs on WAG
"WAG spends more on Economic Development than any part of the UK and yet Wales remains at or near bottom of many economic indicators from GVA, unemployment to business failures".
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
Another Shocker
The National Requirer has just release another shocker. Apparently scientist now think that the child king, King Tut, belonged to John Edwards.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Awww, Ain't That Sweet?
During his apology speech today, Tiger Woods told his audience that he had sent his wife Elin a beautiful Hallmark store for Valentine's Day.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Greek Tragedy
Britain acknowledges advance warning of plan to murder Hamas leader - our denials to the contrary carry as much weight as a Greek Euro note.
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
"Just don't vote" this November
for Obama's party - create a job by democratically removing Pelosi from her current position of Speaker.
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
Human spontaneous combustion rates on the rise
One theory: The American People r just so sick of Pelosi they melt and catch fire spontaneously
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
See infra
Obama's polling falling faster than physics can explain
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
GPS from beyond the Grave
Man enters the gates of Hell riding his pick-up truck only for the GPS to say, "You have arrived at your FINAL destination."
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
Biden on Iran
"We will seek a resolution from the world-community." Reporter: "But Sir, isn't Iran part of the 'world community', so doesn't that mean you will never get a resolution from the world community?"
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
There'll be hell to pay for when Grandpa finds out!!
Morgan Freeman = Enema From Gran
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
What Obama really is
Recorded at an Obama friendly meeting: 'I'm a citizen of the World before I am an American.'
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
"Let's be crystal clear"
'I will not stand for ABC, nor will I stand for XYZee, but I will stand for ATF", said Obama.
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
United Nations admits gross error
Himalayan glaciers will not melt in 35 years, but in 35 weeks.
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
And two Polish smallholdings...
Morgan Freeman = One German Farm
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
A little dasha in the Bushy thickets...
Carla Bruni = Rural Cabin
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Shuttle Cock
Female astronaut accuses fellow aboard of asking her to look at his penis. Accused claims he kept saying "Venus! Venus!"
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Joseph Stack solution to owing money to IRS
Joseph Stack owed a stack of money to the IRS so he flew his light aircraft into an IRS office and killed himself but it wont stop taxes. As they say there are only two things certain DEATH & TAXES
written by SPECTRUM, 19 February 2010
Strange Apology
Tiger Woods: "I was unfaithful, I had affairs ..."
and worst of all, I played DOOM between sex sessions.
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
Vanna Attacked
Contestant on The Wheel of Fortune kicked out for tackling Vanna White. "I decided it was now or never!"
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
OJ Cracking Up
O J Simpson moved again. Tells reporter, "Awwww ya dasn't has to call me OJ..you can call me J or you can call me Ray or you can call me O or you can call me Bo, but ya dasn't has to call me OJ."
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Mean Prison Folk
O J Simpson moved to yet another cell. Now wants everyone to call him P.J.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
O J Moved Again
O J Simpson moved to yet another cell. "Now I know what they mean by 'doing hard time'!"
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Madoff's Complaint
Bernie Madoff complaining in low security prison that they are no longer leaving a mint on his pillow at night.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
They Told Me To!
Arkansas man hired with seven others to fill a seat at theater, fired after taking job too literally.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Dog Fight! Dog Fight!
Veteran's death aged 109 leaves just two survivors who fought in World War I: Snoopy & The Red Baron.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
"I'll Mustard Gas Him!"
Veteran's death aged 109 leaves just two survivors who fought in World War I, fighting over who has who's teeth.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
"Eagles Don't Sound Vicious Enough"
Philadelphia Eagles decide to keep their nickname despite effort to change it to the Philadelphia Fighting Ferrets!
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
President Staying Positive
President Obama still trying to put a bright side on things, calls our present situation "Those wonderful nostalgic 1930s" during his speech yesterday.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Like Our Prez With Baseball
Prince Harry gets to do the honors of throwing the first punch at the next soccer riots.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Wheels Of Justice Grind Slow, Especially Over The Slow
Arkansas man found guilty of murder in the first degree after killing friend who told him the ending to "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" in 1982.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Goggle Yanks Poverty Ad
Google has decided to fire the VP in charge of Internet Ads in the wake of this week's new advertisement which reads: "Global Poverty: Try It!"
written by Daniel Bristol, 19 February 2010
Tiger to be tamed by Lama
Tiger Woods is to follow Buddhist philosophy and is to meet the Dalai Lama
written by SPECTRUM, 19 February 2010
Coldest Feb. In 24 Years
Britain on course for coldest February for 24 years as snow causes rush hour chaos yet again. Yet another Al Gore effigy found hanging from tree.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Party Time!
Guy thrown off Arkansas jury for the eighth time for pulling his necktie up over his head and hanging his tongue out while staring at the accused.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Star Struck
Guy thrown off Arkansas jury for the seventh time for loudly proclaiming, "Which one's Matlock?"
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Wears it riding his Lambretta
Silvio Berlusconi = Blue Silicon Visor
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Nasty effect in ear implants
Silvio Berlusconi = Silicon Lobe Virus
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Ronnie Raygun was one mean bastard
Silvio Berlusconi = Libels Vicious Ron
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Blame global warming
Silvio Berlusconi = Ruins Visible Cool
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Billie Jean King's racoon is sick,sick, sick!
Silvio Berlusconi = Billie's Coon Virus
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Slippery and evasive?
Silvio Berlusconi = Is Illusive Bronco
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Worse than succubus duets!
Silvio Berlusconi = Incubi's Viler Solo
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Popeye would be furious!
Silvio Berlusconi = Olive's Bionic Slur
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Shades of the Emperor's New Clothing
Silvio Berlusconi = Invisible Colours
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Kirstie Alley Stalker
California man arrested for constantly harassing Kirstie Alley by following her around yelling, "She's Gonna Blow!!!"
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Hung Jury?
Guy thrown off Arkansas jury for the sixth time for loudly proclaiming "Well, I can't help it. I got the crabs again!"
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Juryman Gets Hungry
Guy thrown off Arkansas jury for the fifth time for he loudly proclaims "I get hungry so I got my pockets full of Sugar Pops. Nudge me if you want a handful!"
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
"Ain't He A Dickens?"
Guy thrown off Arkansas jury for the fourth time for passing around new pics of his grandson.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
"Sit Down Over There!"
Guy thrown off Arkansas jury for the third time for starting "The Wave".
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Progress In Afghanistan
Signs of progress in Islamabad as first new "Camel Hut" opens in ten years.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Especially In Arkansas
2010 Census workers are warning people asking loonie who ask, "Does this include haints? We got at least three."
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Include Everybody.
2010 Census workers are warning people about paeople that are always bringing up "including the chained idiot in the basement?"
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Pity The Census Taker
2010 Census workers are warning people against jokers who scream their answers at the top of their lungs, pretending they are deaf.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
As in Bon Marley & the....
Serena Williams = Seminal Wailers
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
New Census Workers
2010 Census workers are warning people to not go into another and come back out as twin, triplet, other personality.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Argentina's Beef
Flashpoint in The Falklands: Argentine anger as British oil rig moves in today and MoD beefs up our forces. "And using OUR beef", complains Argentine.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Time To Think It Over
Former lovers get married 27 years after splitting up as they rekindle romance on Facebook as she finally agrees to pull for Manchester United.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Nothing phoney about her joy
Serena Williams = A Real Smile Wins
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Worse Than Getting Hit With Golf Club
'We deserved our punishment': What three Muslim women said after being caned for having sex outside marriage. Viewers notice Tiger Woods never sits during press conference.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Dinosaurs May Have To Go
Tories' secret plan to kill off party dinosaurs. Claim dinosaurs jar the ground during parties until they can't sleep.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Restaurant Suuuueeeeeeddd!
Arkansas farming family sues McDonald's over discovering baby pig in glass of milk. Sheriff suspicious.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Restaurant Sued
Arkansas farming family sues McDonald's over discovering cow manure in their food. Sheriff suspicious.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Blame Peter Tosh and Bunny Wailer!
Serena Williams = Wailers' Menials
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Tibetan Spiritual Leader's cellars?
Serena Williams = Llama's Wineries
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Wrong Canary Island
Ryanair 'abandons passengers' on wrong Canary Island after landing in thunderstorm. "Thought it was the Yellow & Black one", says pilot.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Viet Cong ritual lamb?
Samantha Cameron = A 'Nam Sacrament Ho
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Takes The Chill Out!
New York City Health Department closes down street vendor after he began selling Wino Sidewalk Soup!
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Psychics Try To Help!
Atlanta Psychic Convention determines that you could be possessed if you keep noticing that you always leave a little tooth-brush mustache whenever you shave.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Huw Edwards fancies her!
Samantha Cameron = A Anchorman's Mate
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Then You Die!
Atlanta Psychic Convention determines that you could be possessed if you begin daydreaming about sex with Kirstie Alley with her on top.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
No Surprise There!
Atlanta Psychic Convention determines that you could be possessed if no one has ever, ever, ever been able to slip up on you from behind.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Pyschics Know These Things
Atlanta Psychic Convention determines that you could be possessed if, whenever you fart, a blue blaze shoots out of your ass.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
That's A Sure Tipoff!
Atlanta Psychic Convention determines that you could be possessed if your voice suddenly sounds like Lurch of the Addams Family.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Cowell Claims Woman Will Win!
Simon Cowell thinks a woman will win 'Idol', after long talk last night.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
GOP Keeps Private Insurance
Obama keeps all-Democratic health care option open as the government may only insure Democrats.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
After Several Lose Roof Of Mouth
Glaxo to remove zinc, Gorilla Glue from its denture cream!
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Marine Census Off To Good Start
Marine census grows near completion of first stage, starting with over 10 million dolphins.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
War On Cane Toads Proceeding
Australian study uses cat food in war on cane toad. Allow cats to get hungry, sprinkle Meow Mix on toads.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Friends Hadn't A Clue
Friends didn't see pilot's passion for IRS feud. "But he was really upset over the Colts losing."
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Sweat Lodge Dodge?
Guru charged in sweat lodge deaths says he's broke, after the truth was sweated out of him.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Taken The Piss
Endeavour astronauts say goodbye to space station, piss machine and HELLO HOUSTON!!!
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Took A Chance, There
Brazil: all 64 rescued after Canadian ship sinks. Critics say it would have been easier if they could have saved them BEFORE ship sank.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Don't Last Long
Niger junta names platoon commander as its leader! Apparently he drew the short straw.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
MacKillop First Aussie Saint
Mother Mary MacKillop becomes 1st Australian saint. Ruins Aussie opening line, "While we're no saints, ourselves...."
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Homeland Security Alerted!
Origin of key cosmic explosions unraveled. "Mostly Klingon terrorists", say experts.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Toyota Prez Recovering
Toyota's president to testify before Congress..as soon as he's out of hospital from wreck caused by shoddy brakes.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Woods Sort Of Foggy
Woods starts comeback with a speech. "It all started with that fart on live television...."
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Japanese Suffering From Whales Withdrawal
Australia threatens Japan over whaling program. May cut off supply of kangaroo meat.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Needs More Fiber
Oklahoma City bombing conspirator Terry Nichols says he's going on a hunger strike as he claims prison officials don't provide him a fiber-rich diet. Prison sends in bigger inmate to increase fiber.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Privates Plans Costlier
Premiums jump 14 percent on Medicare private plans. Even higher if yu want to insure more than your privates.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Med Marijuana Getting Out Of Hand
Origin of key cosmic explosions unraveled. Team of Potheads say they saw it actually happened in slow motion.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Balls To That!
Left and right united in opposition to controversial scrotum decision. I'm sorry, that should be SCOTUS decision.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
IRS Declares War On Taxpayers!
Texas man angry with IRS crashes plane into office. IRS immediately locks up all his assets. May tax family, friends that urged him on.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
No criminals here!
London Fashion Week = Sink A Hoedown Felon
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Taliban Suspects Held
Pakistan will not hand Taliban suspects to US. "All you will do is feed them better and care for them better than any time in their lives."
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Tiger Gets Counseling
Tiger Woods starts comeback with a speech. "I'm headed back to the sex clinic. They have some great babes there."
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Satan's leading 'em by the nose!
London Fashion Week = A Fiend's Woolen Honk
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Tiger Comes Back
Tiger Woods starts comeback with a speech. "Not only did I screw up, I also screwed down and sideways."
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Woods Speech
Tiger Woods starts comeback with a speech. "Well, I screwed up...many, many, many times."
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Tiger speaks out at news conference....
"I'm sorry to one and all. It was just a matter of using my putter on too many holes."
written by PP Rega, 19 February 2010
There was sheep trouble aboard the Ark
London Fashion Week = Noah Knifed Woolens
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Probably cloven if it's Kate Moss
London Fashion Week = A Known Linseed Hoof
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Peel away the layers....
London Fashion Week = Know A Fleshed Onion
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Steamed up about faux libretti?
Maria Sharapova = A Sham Aria Vapor
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Conceived via Islamic IVF?
Maria Sharapova = A Sharia Pram Ova
written by queen mudder, 19 February 2010
Meatloaf makes a statement
Singer Meatloaf has confirmed he is a vegetarian
written by SPECTRUM, 19 February 2010
"Obama defies China by meeting Dalai Lama but makes him leave via rubbish bags at side exit"
Begs question: what is Obama on?
written by Tcoah, 19 February 2010
The Truth About Hulk Hogan and Lady Gaga
83-year old Hulk Hogan's 'Little Hogan' has gotten so small that even Lady Gaga is now saying that she has more down there than he does.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 February 2010
Hey, Remember That Funny Guy With The Weird Red Hairdo?
Conan O'Brien says that he has just received his first unemployment check.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 February 2010
The Frito Bandito Is Coming Back - But Damn!!!
Frito Lay will be re-introducing the very popular Frito Bandito. But they say that in keeping with being politically correct he will ride sidesaddle and munch with a lisp.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 February 2010
Leslie Nielsen's 14th Naked Gun Movie
Leslie Nielsen has just announced that he will start filming Naked Gun 14 - The I Forget What Years.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 February 2010
Kirstie Alley's Spectacular Job Offer
Well it finally happened. The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus has offered Kirstie Alley a full time job as their circus fat lady.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 February 2010
The Extremely Versatile Robin "Hey Look At My Crotch" Williams
Robin Williams will star in The Story of The Monty Python Flying Circus. Williams will be portraying all six parts.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 February 2010
The Biggest Decision In Chile's History
The government of Chile has decided to change the spelling of its name to the more popular Chili.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 February 2010
Chris Brown's New Unbelievable First Name
Chris Brown says that due to all of the bad publicity he has been receiving due to his physically attacking Rihanna he has decided to change his name. His new name will be Bobby Brown.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 February 2010
The New and Exciting Sanford and Son
NBC will begin filming episodes of The New Sanford and Son Sit-Com. General Larry Platt will portray Fred and Gary Coleman will portray his son Lamont.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 February 2010
The Statue of Liberty Did Not Get Her Stimulus Package
In keeping with the ongoing recession, the government will replace the Statue of Liberty's torch with a sparkler.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 19 February 2010
Tiger Woods Paid Two Women To Keep Quiet About Sex...
The rest were given autographed golf balls instead.
written by Adam Click, 19 February 2010
Mahmoud Knows History
Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad warns the West: "This will be a lot different that your 1960's British invasion of America!"
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Iran Threat
Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad advises West: Better use your bathrooms first because we'll nuke the shit out of you!
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Iran Warning
Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad warns West that before they take on Iran, they need to try someone easier like France.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
US Army SOS!
New York City Health Departments closes down street vendor fo selling shit on a shingle by using real shit.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Getting More Stict
new York City Health Departments closes down street vendor for carrying extra sausages in his pockets to keep them warm.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Taliban Chronicle "...forget the E Revolution We will Survive."
Scottish Pigeon Fanciers UK Ltd. have sold off their stock of homing pigeons to retrain for the Taliban. 'ban leaders explain their purchase - "the Scots get rich and no one can trace our messages!"
written by iscrivener, 19 February 2010
US Admits We Don't Know Where You LIve
In a bid to avoid tracing and location Taliban and Al Qaeda chiefs have resorted to learning and decoding languages Klingon, Gaelic and Dobie Cung. The Pentagon, Microsoft and M16 are totally bemused!
written by iscrivener, 19 February 2010
Obama Wins Another One
President Barack Obama named Man of the Year by 'Time To Leave The White House' Magazine!
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Running Out Of Space
One millionth Star of Hollywood leaves their hand prints four blocks down from in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Monkey on the Run!
Dubai officals now suspect an Irish organ grinder and his pet monkey as the Mossad Perps who took out the Hamas Military Commander in a 5* Hotel. Pursuit continues; Monkey is leaving lots of clues.
written by unknown
More Weight Problems
Voting regulators say that "If You Can't Get In The Booth, You Can't Vote!" Urge weight loss between now and this November.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Copper, Silver Also Up!
Gold hits $1200 an ounce. Sales of metal detectors at $1200 each.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Found: Monkey with Amnesia, micro chipped on Penis.
Return guaranteed if you can confirm his real name on chip. All other Monkey Lovers and Pretenders need not apply. BTW: only discovered chip when he got hard and tried to shag the cat
written by unknown
Figures
Last great American protest song of the Sixties used in a insurance sales commercial. From now on, it's the blues!
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Survey Plus/Minus 50%
Fewer Teens Drinking, smoking, huffing, doing drugs. More teens lying to people doing surveys than ever.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Teeth Gap Widens Also
Rich-Poor Gap Widens at faster pace than Big-Small gap between dinosaurs, three million years ago.
written by Bureau, 19 February 2010
Obama Mandates taking 13M Acres of Western Land as Wild Life Preserves!
White House announces joint venture with Kenyan President Mwai Kibaki who promises to sendrnative Kenyans to populate the area for a theme park.
Park to be named George and Zeituni + 8,000,000.
written by unknown
