One In Eight Behind On Payments
About one in eight U.S. homeowners with mortgages, a record share, ended 2008 well behind on their loan payments, one in 20 also had broken kneecaps, a new study has revealed.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Sudan Prez Defies Arrest
Sudan's president told cheering supporters on Thursday an international call for his arrest on war crimes charges was a ploy by western nations set on grabbing their oil, babies, puppies & pussycats.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
A-Rod Out From Cysts On Ass
Alex Rodriguez will have surgery to remove a cyst from his right hip and will be sidelined until mid-May, the brother of the New York Yankees star told ESPN. "Too many flu shots in the same place."
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
More Wall Street Worries
Investors fled Wall Street as fear grew about the future stability of the nation's largest banks and worries mounted about General Motors Corp. and the Dallas Cowboys releasing Terrell Owens.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Just Lost His Head
A Canadian judge has ruled that a man accused of beheading and cannibalizing a fellow bus passenger is not criminally responsible due to mental illness. "Anyone doing THAT has to be crazy", he stated.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
The Three-Year-Old Breastfed Baby!
Nell McAndrew has been criticized for breastfeeding her three-year-old son Devon. When asked what he thought about the criticism Devon replied, "Hey, mind your own FRIGGIN' business DAMNIT!!!"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
The Infamous Burping Worms
Scientist state that burping worms may help contribute to the Earth's climate change. Coughing caterpillars however do not do a damn thing.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Where The Hell's The Seattle Post Intelligencer?
The Seattle Post Intelligencer facing the possibility of going bankrupt is asking its readers for donations. So far they have received a total of $37, all in rain-soaked bills.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Citibank Becoming Sinkibank
Citibank shares have dipped below $1 a share. A banking expert predicts that if the shares sink down much farther, they will be worth less than Confederate money.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Amy "The Beehive Baroness" Winehouse
Singer Amy Winehouse famous for her beehive hairdo has just been signed by The Bzzzzzzz Honey Company to be their official spokesfreak.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Carla Bruni says she 'may adopt'
If her own attempts continue to be unsuccessful she says she may have to adopt another singer's album.
written by Roy Turse, 05 March 2009
Prescription charges in England are to rise again
We shouldn't complain. Medicine in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland has to be paid for somehow.
written by Roy Turse, 05 March 2009
Bank of England Enthusiastic Over Quantitative Easing
Bank Governor Mervyn King says it's like a license to print money.
written by Roy Turse, 05 March 2009
Released Gitmo Prisoners Talk
Those prisoners recently released from Gitmo say they were tortured there for years, including the same music piped in daily. One man could only stare into space and mumble "Humperdinck, Humperdinck".
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Exception Proves The Rule
Women are more likely than men to suffer damage to their health from being in a strained marriage, a new research suggests. Unless, of course, your name is Bobbitt.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Bernanke Fears Future Of GM
Today Federal Chairman Bernanke stated that he had serious doubts about the future of G.M. When asked to clarify, he said, "G.M., you know, government money."
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Ain't It Grand?
Even after all the billions the AIG has received, the Federal Chairman told congress that it may have to come back for a few billion more. Apparently AIG actually stands for "Ain't It Grand?"
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Checking For First Dog
The Obama's are still looking for the official White House dog. Right now, they're still checking to make sure the one they choose has paid it's income taxes.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
"Yeas We Can..."
President Obama's latest nominee for America's trade representative, Ron Kirk, owes $10,000 in unpaid back taxes. Apparently the "Yes We Can" finished with "But We Didn't".
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Hillary Working Hard
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been working hard, traveling to Korea, Japan, China, Egypt, and Israel. Today when she saw herself getting on a plane as she got off, she decided to come home.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
As Banks Cut, So Does the Public
European and British central banks have cut rates half a point as most customers have cut down to half a pint.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Cab Drivers Give Prez A Bad Name
President Barack Obama's push for cleaner cars gets public airing today as New York City cab drivers cuss a blue streak through their opened windows.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Gay Activists March, Skip
Gay activists are marching, skipping and flying in formation in San Francisco, California today ahead of showdown vote on legalizing same-sex marriages.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Ancient Statues, Doll Found
In Cairo yesterday, a team of Egyptian and European archaeologists have discovered two small statues of King Amenhotep III, who ruled Egypt roughly 3,400 years ago, and a Cleopatra Barbie.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Cheney Advises Barbara Bush
In Houston, former first lady Barbara Bush was in good condition and resting comfortably Thursday following 2 1/2-hour heart surgery. Dick Cheney sent message to get up, walk around and shake it off.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
G.M. Raises Specter
General Motors auditors have raised the specter of Chapter 11. Ghost Busters say they're bankrupt also and can't help until after bailout.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Jobless Claims Drop
New jobless claims unexpectedly dropped to 639,000 say U.S. economists. Many credit the opening of ten new WalMarts in Holeinthewall, Tennessee.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
American Naturalists Thrilled
American naturalists were thrilled that an American eagle that had crashed through a truck windshield in Reno, Nevada yesterday is doing fine. The truck drive, Matthew Gonzales was 27.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Mesnick The Bachelor Goes Off-Broadway
Jason "Crybaby" Mesnick, (aka The Bachelor) will be starring in an off-Broadway comedic parody titled, "I'll Cry For You Argentina."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Rush "The Googled" Limbaugh
Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh is reportedly upset that when he Googles his name it brings up the site called "Modern Day North American Traitors."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Kirstie Alley vs. Wynonna Judd
The Fox Network is getting ready to unveil its latest reality show. The show will star Kirstie Alley and Wynonna Judd and is titled, "Okay, Let's See Who Can Eat The Most."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Sarah "Who?" Palin
It's amazing how one can quickly go from running for the second highest office in the United States to being nothing more than just a "Jeopardy" answer.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Blockbuster Fast Food?
Blockbuster video rentals have fallen off drastically. The video store plans to begin selling buffalo wings, diet popcorn, beer, Huevos Rancheros Alfredo, sushi, and Margaritas.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Washington Apples and Checks
A bank in Yakima, Washington desperate for business has offered a free apple orchard with each new checking account.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Limbaugh Only Helping "The Little Guy"
Rush Limbaugh admitted that he was carrying Viagra pills when he was stopped at the airport three year's ago but that he was carrying them "for a little friend".
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Force Of Habit
Hillary Clinton told reporters yesterday that she is not bitter about losing the presidency to Obama. "Nothing personal. I've just gotten into the habit of saying, "Kiss My Ass" to Bill all the time."
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Pope Pulled Over Again
Pope Benedict XVI pulled over yet again yesterday in his popemobile and told by Rome traffic cop to turn off his left turn signal.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Foul Air Act Stalled
The Foul Air Act of 2009 has stalled out in the U.S. Senate, right above the seats of Senators Byrd and McCain.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
FDIC: Code Red
FDIC spokesperson, Roberta Valdez issued a Code Red to U.S. banks yesterday. "We only have funds to cover the first $20 for each person's bank account."
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Victoria's Secret, Fredericks Doing Well
Both Victoria's Secret and Fredericks of Hollywood did well in 2008 according to CEO's. They credit cutting back to using only half the previous year's fabric material for same amount of products.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Astronauts Booby-Trapped Moon
Neil Armstrong admits that he and fellow astronauts placed land mines on the moon ready for any others landing out there. "One small step..Boom!"
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Escorted From Library
Old man being escorted out of library in Greenville, Maryland
complains, "They SAID I could google myself in there."
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
CPA Unemployed
In Fort Worth, Texas, an unemployed Certified Public Accountant says his family's now down to counting their last few beans.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Bush Having Trouble Adjusting
Laura Bush says that her husband is having problems adjusting to private life. "He's now wearing flight suits to bed and at lunch he sometimes calls me Turd Blossom", stated the former First Lady.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Woman, 108, Gets Jury Duty Call
A woman called for jury duty has been excused after it was realised she was 108 years old, and the case was expected to last at least two weeks.
written by Roy Turse, 05 March 2009
The Church of the Spooner
Charlotte Church may have a new man! she has been spotted shopping in Cardiff wearing a t-shirt claiming "GAVIN DRENSON IS A HUNK".
written by carlito, 05 March 2009
Toys R Us has paid $5Million for the TOYS.COM domain name.
They were concerned that online shoppers would be unable to find the backwards R on their keyboards.
written by Roy Turse, 05 March 2009
Official - Rap music is rubbish
After a three-year study, the Univerity of Chicago has announced what fans of real music have kown all along - that rap/hip hop etc. is rubbish.
written by NODDY, 05 March 2009
Intercourse By Any Other Name
After years and years of all kinds of off-color jokes the town of Intercourse, Pennsylvania has voted to change its name. The new name to become effective on April 1, 2009 is Screw, Pennsylvania.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
The Catholic Church Ceremony Is Changing
Due to inflation, the Catholic Church has just announced that they will be replacing the wine with colored water and the wafers with peanuts.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
The Worst Selling T-Shirt In America
Chris Brown T-shirts are selling on eBay for 3 cents each, or 10 for 4 cents.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Facebook's New Rival
Facebook, the popular free access social networking website says that it is not worried about competition and that it openly welcomes the new kid on the block, Buttbook.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
The iThis and The iThat
Apple, manufacturer of the iPod and the iPhone in May will introduce the iToilet.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
The Crazy Cloning Business
A disgruntled scientist in Poland has cloned a mosquito.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Rush "GOPitiful" Limbaugh
GOP big mouth Rush Limbaugh has been told by the FBI that his anti-Obama remarks could be bordering on treason. Limbaugh quickly apologizes and sends The Obama's a $1,000 gift certificate to Macy's.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Karl Rove's Finger's Crossed Promise
Karl Rove is scheduled to testify before Congress. He promises that he will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but most of the truth.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 March 2009
Publisher gambles on printing books on recycled onion skins.
After showing us their sales projections they told us: "Read 'em and weep."
written by Roy Turse, 05 March 2009
Hillary Commits Cultural Faux Pas
Hillary Clinton admits she was culturally misinformed and now knows that extending the middle finger is not the proper way to greet Palestinian dignitaries. She will offer apologies in the future.
written by NickFun, 05 March 2009
A woman says she bit her husband's tongue off during a kiss because she was upset she wasn't pregnant.
Her husband is suing because he says he can no longer almost remember the names of things.
written by Roy Turse, 05 March 2009
Inventor Of Fart Ring Tones Disappointed
Inventor of the new "Big Loud Fart Ring Tones" now admits that his idea wasn't as great as he first thought.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Suicides 3, Homicides 2
Suicides now outnumber homicides 3 to 2. Those contemplating suicide advised to first consider, "Who else would the world be better without?"
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Americans Cut Back
A new poll reveals that many Americans have cut back on food, clothing and medications but not on Wii purchases.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Bush Surpised About Gas Prices
Former Prez Bush said today that he hadn't realized that gas went above $4.00. "It was a buck, seventy five when I went to Washington and a buck, seventy five eight years later."
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
The Things You Have To Do
Confused gay couple in bid for marriage have sex change at different hospitals. "You were SUPPOSED to stay home! "No, YOU were supposed to stay home. Now what are we supposed to do with these things?"
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Heathern Mills Victory
Heather Mills finally gets the United States to place, "Better Watch That First Step, Buddy" signs near mined areas around the world.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
Exchange Going On
Americans find themselves passing Mexicans at the the U.S./Mexican border as they try to live on cheaper food, rent and drugs south of the border.
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
100 Top Losers
Ironically, both the Chevy Corvair and Ralph Nader go down in history as the top 100 losers of the past century
written by Bureau, 05 March 2009
