See How It Feels
New York City man convicted of reported sex crimes sent to prison for life without a chance of purchasing ky-jelly.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Better Write This Down To Remember
Muslims who smoke and try to portray themselves as pious are worse than cows which defecate in the street, a top Malaysian Muslim cleric and politician said, but could quote neither chapter nor verse.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Rolling Around In The Sky
A luggage handler flew from N.Y. to Boston after falling asleep in the cargo hold of a JetBlue airliner but was unharmed & not charged with a crime. Officials say filling his pants punishment enough.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Baby Would Be 17 Now
German police are struggling to explain why they chased a phantom serial killer for 16 years after confusion over an innocent woman's DNA samples on a cotton swab. Actually had a baby booger on it.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
London Records Prison Record
LONDON Police are hunting a convicted arsonist who escaped from London's Pentonville prison by clinging to the underside of the security van that brought him there. Record time of escape: 35 minutes.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Apple Jack Arrested
A Polish lawmaker who failed a drink-driving test said he had eaten too many apples, the website of Wyborcza said Monday. However, not a single piece of apple was seen when he barfed later.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Naked French Pole Vaulter
A French pole vaulting champion has run naked with his pole through the streets of Paris and posted the video on the Internet, hoping to draw attention for sponsorship. Most think pole too short.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Netanyahu Sworn In
Israel has sworn in Netanyahu as their new Prime Minister and then approved his cabinet, although many thought it should match his counter tops better, but who's to say?
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Bad atmosphere In Space Station
The atmosphere in the International Space Station has somewhat deteriorated since the Americans will not allow the Russian cosmonauts to use the lavatory. Something smells!
written by IN SEINE, 31 March 2009
Rats Finding Mines
Sniffer rats are being trained to detect landmines according to a Cornish animal expert, who is training rats to detect landmines in Mozambique."We're on the cutting of technology", says rat trainer.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Head Of Government Motors Issues Warnings
Government Motors Corp.'s new chief executive said Tuesday that more of the automaker's plants could close & bankruptcy is "more probable" as GM works to meet new requirements for government aid.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
"Hannah Montana" Movie Exit
Miley Cyrus: No more 'Hannah Montana' films but may do a down home flick filled with bluegrass music as Sarah Lee Tennessee.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Cordial Exchange With Iran
The US envoy to Afghanistan has held "a cordial exchange" with Iran's foreign minister, US Sec. of State Hillary Clinton has said. "I think the Iranian ambassador especially liked the cherry ones."
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Hee-Haw Songs
Josh Cowpitz, who has written over 4,000 country music songs recently disclosed that he has just written a song that does not include cheating, a truck, a cowgirl, a haystack, or cornbread.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
Is Blitzer Crying "Wolf?"
CNN's Wolf Blitzer has told CBS's Katie Couric that he has no idea where the rumor started, but that he has no plans to change his first name from "Wolf" to "Coyote."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
Barbara's Bra
The ever-so-frugal Barbara Walters revealed to Whoopi Goldberg that she still uses a bra that she bought 63 years ago.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
Pam Anderson's Two New Pussycats
Pamela Anderson revealed in an exclusive interview with Anderson Cooper that she has named her two new pet cats, "Left Titty" and "Right Titty.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
Andy "The Vine Guy" Dick
Comedian Andy Dick has just signed on to star as the lead in the jungle comedy, Tarzan - The Ape-Shit Man.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
Miley Cyrus' Addiction Revealed
Miley Cyrus has admitted to 14 Magazine that she is addicted to candy cigarettes.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
The Alfalfa Sprouts Restaurant Loses
The Alfalfa Sprouts Restaurant has been sucessfully sued by descendants of Alfalfa of the Little Rascals fame. The restaurant chain owners will now change the name to The Spanky Sprouts Restaurant.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
The Hooha Of Britney Spears
Britney Spears told her dentist that she is proud of the fact that in the past four months she has exited from her car hundreds of times and no one has seen her "Hooha."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
Oprah From "O" To "300"
Oprah Winfrey is planning on putting out a new women's magazine. This one will deal strictly with weight issues and will be called, 300, The New 200.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
IRS Investigator Arrests Self
An Internal Revenue Service agent who audits taxpayers in California has agreed to plead guilty to cheating on his own taxes. Jim H. Liu of Orange County arrested himself this morning.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Barney The Watch Dog
Bailout Deluxe: Barney Frank wants controls on pay of all employees, when they should eat, shower, shit, have sex.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Chicago Newspaper's Bankrupt
News Broke: Sun-Times files for bankruptcy, both major Chicago dailies now In Chapter 11 according to editor's blog!
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Man In Motorized Barstool Pissed, Arrested
Newark man driving motorized bar stool arrested for DUI after running over guy's foot who was whizzing in parking lot and starting a fight over getting wet.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Sex Video Misplaced
Three Junior High students arrested for alleged sex video let go after police somehow misplace the video.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
The Pistachio Nuts Are Outta Here!
The Federal Drug Administration is advising consumers to throw all pistachio nuts away due to salmonella contamination. They added and especially those pistachio nuts that taste like peanut butter.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
Celery Man - The Movie
Tom Hanks is all set to start filming his latest motion picture, Celery Man - The Original Stalker.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
The Richard Simmons Shorts' Decree
Richard Simmons has been banned from wearing shorts at LA's Tallulah Bankhead Mall. The Mall director told him that the reason is because he was scaring small children and pets.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 March 2009
The US FDA have announced the recall of Californian pistachio products.
There are concerns they have become contaminated. And not with tachio.
written by Roy Turse, 31 March 2009
A Russian cosmonaut says that non-American crew are not being allowed to use the US toilet and exercise bike.
But, he says, once he realised it was a single device, he was less interested in using it.
written by Roy Turse, 31 March 2009
Killer nuts on the loose
Killer pistachios in California on their way to the boarder to fight, Mexican drug cartels
written by disciple, 31 March 2009
Virus Could Attack Com..Shitheads! Shitheads! Shitheads!
Security experts are downplaying the potential impact of a virus which some believe is set to strike on 1 April. (Or even earlier you ugly bunch of shitheads!)
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Nazi Group Banned
The German interior ministry has banned a far-right group for allegedly organizing activities promoting racist and Nazi ideology among young children. Tells crowd, "Been there, done that!"
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Utah OK's Bars
Utah has eased its strict controls on public drinking by announcing the end of restrictions under which bars had to function like private clubs, with speakeasy in the back.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Astronauts Pissed
The International Space Station, once a place where astronauts would share food and facilities, is said to be embroiled in a Cold War-like stand-off over who has to drink who's piss.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Recreates Center Of The Sun
The US has finished constructing a huge physics experiment aimed at recreating conditions at the heart of our Sun. Meanwhile, Al Gore blows his brains out following this latest announcement.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Clinton Urges Nations
US Sec. of State Hillary Clinton has urged all 70 nations attending a conference on Afghanistan's future to help the country succeed. She also proposed a special "Adopt A Taliban Tribal Leader" Day.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Khmer Leader Admits Crimes
A key Khmer Rouge leader has admitted responsibility for crimes committed during the regime's brutal rule. "I blame society as a whole" says leader.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
France Was Being Ignored
France will walk away from this week's G20 summit if its demands for stricter financial regulation are not met, the finance minister has told the BBC. "Plus that's what we do" stated French minister.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Gor Left Lights On Say Neighbor
Al Gore, who made millions on Global Warming movie, didn't bother to turn all his own lights off during "Earth Hour" over weekend. "How are a few lights left on really matter in all this?"
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Netanyahu Loosens Up
During election campaign, Benjamin Netanyahu dismissed peace talks, supported expanding West Bank settlements, warned that concessions embolden Israel's enemies. Now, "I was just horsing around."
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
New health warning on condoms
A health and safety warning is to be placed on all condoms as from April 1st. It must say: "warning, this protection may contain nut products!"
written by norma snockers, 31 March 2009
Burress Gun Hearing Delayed
Plea deal talks between attorneys, judge plus ear wax build-up delay Plaxico Burress gun hearing.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Fargo Gets Snow After Flooding
Snowstorm puts Fargo on edge after flooding. Also, plague of frogs, lice and locusts not helping anyone's outlook any.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Keeping Up Appearances
U.S. voters say they don't blame Obama for economy. "It'd make us all look bad who voted for him", say most.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
U.S. Urges Engagement
U.S. urges engagement with non-violent Taliban, non-violent car-bombers and non-violent mass murderers.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Wilderness, Road, Bridge Protected
President Barack Obama signed legislation Monday setting aside more than 2 million acres in nine states as protected wilderness, including the road and bridge going nowhere.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Obama Finally Busy
A busy agenda fuels Obama's first trip to Europe. Most agree it's high time he got of his ass and did something.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
Salmonella Gone Nuts Again
FDA says to avoid pistachios amid salmonella scare. Also warn that fish, poultry, beef, pork, lamb, beans, rice, corn and all other nuts could have salmonella but not to worry.
written by Bureau, 31 March 2009
