No Falklands talks, says Brown
Gordon Brown has refused to negotiate sovereignty over the Falklands Islands with the Argentinian president. However, he is willing to give them sovereignty over Falkirk - a place dear to his heart.
written by IN SEINE, 28 March 2009
Zombies Wasting Time Here
Illiterate East Tennessee man arrested after cashing $36,000 check at local Quik Mart after receiving $19.10 and a carton of cigarettes.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Scottish sex offender: "chemical castration may help me!"
A Scottish sex offender who raped a 14-year-old boy who was playing truant has said that chemical castration might help. "At least people will recognize me by my high pitched voice!" He said today.
written by IN SEINE, 28 March 2009
Seems Just Like Yesterday
Old guy in city park tells police he was just celebrating the 30th anniversary of penis stretching spam ads on the internet.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Las Vegas Troubled
Las Vegas, Atlantic City feeling pinch as economy worsens. People go back to pitching pennies, Saturday night bingo!
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Breast Feeding Study
Study: Breast feeding can help lift your kid's IQ, penises within eyeballing distance 100%.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
The Wallace Monument to have new companion.
The Wallace Monument in Stirling, Scotland will soon have a companion. A 60 foot in black and tan dog is to be built next to it. 'The Gromit Monument' will be designed by his creator, Nick Park.
written by IN SEINE, 28 March 2009
Earth hour causes chaos!
Landmarks around Britain will join 80 other countries in the WWF campaign to highlight global warming by switching off their illuminations for one hour tonight. Many electricity companies are angry!
written by IN SEINE, 28 March 2009
Wind power car record broken!
An engineer from Hampshire has broken the world land speed record for a wind-powered vehicle, only to be broken hours later by a kid in a pedal car who had just eaten a tin of baked beans.
written by IN SEINE, 28 March 2009
The Winds Formerly Known As Santa Ana
The California legislature has just voted to legally change the name of The Santa Ana Winds to the much more appropriate, The Damn, Friggin', MoFoing Santa Ana Winds.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
Gary Coleman's Next Gig
Gary Coleman says that after years of not getting any acting jobs he is happy to announce that he has just been signed to star as the lead in HBO's, Short Subject - The Mickey Rooney Story.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
The New Las Vegas Card Game
Las Vegas casinos have just announced a new card game which they developed in honor of President George Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney. The new card game is called, Liar's Canasta.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
Cure Dyslexia For Found
(Rest of article has been deleted for obvious reasons).
written by Al Von Googenschleim, 28 March 2009
Fishy Tale?
Cambodia says that they too are having trouble with purchases from China having lead in them. This time it's fish. Since they buy by the pound, the government says people have found lead in the fish.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Speckysavers sued for damages.
Contact lens wearers are reeling after being told by optical pranksters Speckysavers to keep their eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chilli sauce to their cleaning solution.
written by Mary Hinge, 28 March 2009
Two States Ban Fake Testicles
Florida, Georgia vote to ban fake testicles on trailer hitches. Police say only person stopped had real ones so they had to let him go.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Mother Marries Uncle
Children totally confused after their mother suddenly announces that she and Uncle Abernathy are getting married.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Playboy Seeking Bailout
Playboy, Penthouse seek bailouts from congress panel. Say free shots on the internet may force layoff of last four writers.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Government Destroyed Neanderthals
Rush Limbaugh: Rest of Neanderthals died out because of high income tax rates, government running, ruining everything from cave loans to saber-tooth tiger bailouts.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
MSG That Was Tasty!
Many of today's foods, especially those served at local restaurants, have loads of MSG in them according to unknown sauce.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
New Poll Plus/Minus 100%
Over a million people could lose their jobs during 2009 according to latest data from heresay poll.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Clowns Purchase Laughing Stock
Wimpy & Sudsy, two clowns from Barnum & Bailey Circus, leave to try to get back to the simple life, go together to purchase funny farm while mortgage rates are low.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Primitive Life Forms
Stephen Hawking: Primitive alien forms of life may exist in space. Just take a look at Eastern Kentucky, Tennessee or Arkansas.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
"Please Pass The Salt...Quick!!!"
The world's leading salt agency EL SALTO has predicted that due to the vast amounts of salt that the American people are consuming the Pacific Ocean will run out of salt by May 13, 2011.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
The Ever Constant and Continuing Cigarette Saga
In an effort to get Americans to quit smoking, the surgeon general will mandate that the price of cigarettes go up to $90 a pack, and that the cigarettes be made to taste like pigeon shit.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
Governor "Shotgun" Sarah Palin's Volcanic Vow
Alaska's Mt. Redoubt volcano continues its volcanic explosions. Gov. Sarah Palin assures Alaskan residents not to worry because she plans to take a helicopter trip and shoot the volcano all to hell!
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
The Cast of The Three Stooges Movie
The Three Stooges movie has been cast. Sean Penn will play Larry, Jim Carrey will play Curly, and Benicio Del Toro will play Moe. The first choices were Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and George Bush.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
"Come To Hawaii And Get A 'Lei'"
A high ranking American general says that the rocket that North Korea plans on launching could reach Hawaii. The news immediately causes a tripling in price of Hawaiian music, pineapples, and leis.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
Like A Spoiled Material Girl
Miley Cyrus is acting more and more like a spoiled, stuck-up little diva. In fact, MGM Pictures wants to cast her in the movie about Madonna...La Madonna - The Spoiled Prima Donna From Hell
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
The Original Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuker
Contrary to popular belief, The Three Stooges were not the first to utter the words, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. The first was actually Joan of Arc, after the matches kept going out.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
The Ann Coulter Look-A-Like Contest
Ann Coulter entered an Ann Coulter Look-A-Like Contest. She came in third.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
Memphis, Franklin
The state of Tennessee was originally named Franklin. Louisiana was originally named Mosquito Land.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 March 2009
"Inflate to 45 lbs."
While trying to pull on a heel that was nearly a size too small, Angelina Jolie loses grip, giving herself a rather nasty fat lip. Friends say they "could hardly tell the difference."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Everywhere But Where He Was Going
A Washington police chief has issued a public apology for hitting another car while he was checking his BlackBerry. Four nearby hookers called in as witnesses.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Brown, Obama Not The Only Fruitcakes
The economic crisis is due to "White People with Blue Eyes" according to Brazil's President Lula da Silva. "Green eyes are OK". Then begins singing "Brown-Eyed Girl" and dances away from lectern.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
And Bush Was Dumb?
President Obama is signaling to Congress that he could support taxing employee health benefits to help pay for improving U.S. health care system, taxing Medicare benefits to help pay for Medicare.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Bank Robber Followed To Second Bank
Police trailing a would-be bank robber from a botched holdup in the Bronx were surprised to bump into him Thursday at another bank. Perp claimed he was having trouble going through withdrawal.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Sorry for the delay
This snippet should have been posted last week, but I was "slapped into next week," so I have to publish it now. Unfortunately, that took so long to explain, I still can't share it with you.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Ark. Man Gets Something Stuck
Arkansas man gets his finger stuck in the gas tank filler pipe or so he says. Rescue crew won't comment, just laugh and say "Whatever!"
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Economic Crunch Hits Jokes About Economic Crunch
In view of the deepening crisis, top economic advisors warned American consumers that we can no longer afford to laugh about the economy. Americans were too poor to pay attention.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Turkey Keeps Debate Going
The Ankara Daily Probe reports: "Is The Chicken/Egg controversy tearing Turkey apart?"
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Bipolar Iceberg Confusing Scientests
Global Warming experts greatly puzzled over bipolar iceberg that keeps thawing, re-freezing.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Sweet Home Alabama
Alabama Governor says that the trailer park that was torn apart by last Springs tornadoes will not be rebuilt. Also, cars up on blocks will not be replaced. Blames economy slowdown.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Obama, Afghan, Pakistan's New Plan
The leaders of Afghanistan and Pakistan welcomed the new strategy President Barack Obama unveiled Friday for dealing with the worsening conflict in the two countries. "We all agree, just go home."
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Misanthrope, or Miss Arthropod?
Ann Coulter reportedly descends upon Barack Obama, wraps him in spun silken threads, and flees with him to the outskirts of Washington, D.C.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
200 Upcoming Terrorists
Two hundred schoolchildren in Britain, some as young as 13, have been identified as potential terrorists by a police scheme that aims to spot youngsters early and place them in re-education camps.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
First there was G7, then G8, now G20, whatever next?
This year, London will host the G20 summit. Last year there were only 8 most powerful nations in the world, but this number has grown to 20. Next year it will be the G40!
written by IN SEINE, 28 March 2009
Rapper Pleads Guilty
US rapper (place any rapper name here) has been sentenced to one year and one day in jail after he pleaded guilty to three charges of possessing illegal weapons.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Nobody cares!
Burger spokesman Jack returns after a phony accident has him hospitalized for several commercials as once great advertising department flounders, grasping at hack formulae and recycling oldies.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
"Million Affordable Homes" In Trouble
A British government pledge to build three million affordable new homes by 2020 is in trouble because of the recession, the housing minister has said after third building completion last week.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Russia To Ease Restrictions?
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev says life in Chechnya is returning to normal and it might be time to end the security restrictions imposed there for the past 55 years and maybe not.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Oh Happy Day!
The Chinese authorities have marked the inaugural "Serfs' Liberation Day" with ceremonies and speeches extolling the weapons testing, protest beatings of Chinese development in Tibet.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Dementia Rates Hee Hee Hee
The raising of the school leaving age to 15 over 50 years ago could go some way to reducing dementia rates in the elderly, a 50-year British study has suggested.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
The reality of super celeb
Jade Goody is unavailable for comment.
written by Exislanda, 28 March 2009
Thousands March In London
Thousands of people are marching through London demanding action on poverty, climate change, spotted dick shortage, old flashers in parks, ugly women at pubs and jobs ahead of next week's G20 summit.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Discovery On Way Home
Discovery and its crew are scheduled to touch down at NASA's Florida spaceport early Saturday afternoon. Favorable weather is expected but emergency landing could place it in Hudson River.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Not All That Complicated
New study finds that when it comes to personality, people seek partners with their same qualities - but claim to want someone different. But most settle for "tight little buns" or "big hooters".
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Scared the sh*t outta me, too!
After having no luck keeping crows out of his cornfield with regular scarecrow, man successfully mounts image of Ann Coulter atop scarecrow's pole (huh, huh).
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
That would have been a horse of a different color
Experts on lighting and photography prove photo of Michael Phelps shooting up on cover of British tabloid is a fake. Kell Logg products still too high in sugar.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Honesty not always best policy...
Prompted by, "Are you at least 18?" while visiting adult website, Dylan, 17, clicks on "No," causing local Providence, KY mainframe to crash, followed by electrical grid. 280,000 still without power.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 March 2009
Bankers Learn Lesson
Bank execs vow to work with Obama on recovery plan. Say they have learned their lesson, will share bonuses with congress from now on.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
Thousands Flee
Thousands flee Fargo ahead of menacing floodwaters! Thousands more flee Cleveland just because it's Cleveland.
written by Bureau, 28 March 2009
