Moore To Play Hillary
Julianne Moore will play Hillary Clinton in the Lewinsky saga with Kirsty Alley scheduled to play Lewinsky, and Bill Clinton will play himself, except for the non-sex scenes.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Schumer's Eyes Opened
Sen. Charles Schumer convened a meeting to make an important announcement: He will support gay marriage after years of opposing it as he thanked a young man in the first row for opening his zip..eyes.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Art Copies Hot Items Among Models
The appearance of nude paintings of Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen in two Dublin galleries has seen the police called in after hundreds of copies were sold to bulimics.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
More Under Gov. Control
US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has called for the government to be given the power to take control of non-bank financial firms, personal bank accounts, Republicans.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Traps Set Along Border
The US government is to increase security at the country's border with Mexico in an attempt to combat drug cartels, the White House has announced. Tacos laced with melatonin already being employed.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Stagflation Disturbing, Exciting
Constant references to "stagflation" getting many stirred up about economy, stag parties and S & M practice among couples.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Given Enough Rope
Belt manufacturers layoff several hundred more employees as many people now turning to ropes to hold pants up, possible other uses.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Taliban More Threatening
This latest report out of Afghanistan: Several of the Taliban have become even more threatening as they have somehow been able to walk upright for the first time.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
New UN Report
New UN Report: Ocean recovery from warming damage will take a million years. Recommends storing away enough supplies for the rest of your life.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Taste Test Results
In a blind taste test, youngsters preferred the paper wrappers of McDonald's cheeseburgers to broccoli.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Intrepretive Dance
Palestinians accuse Israeli of crimes against civilians by destroying their homes, doing the Hava Nagila on Yasser Arafat's grave.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Obama Looks On Bright Side
President Obama: Remember folks, during the last depression we made some of the best movies that were ever made in the history of Hollywood.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Economy Out Of Control
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke stated this morning that the United States economy is spiraling totally out of control but otherwise, "solid as a rock".
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Matt Lauer Breaks Collar Bone
NBC Today Show star Matt Lauer suffered a broken collar bone in a collision while riding a bicycle with a deer. Although no one will say what he hit, they admitted that Lauer often gave rides to deer.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Blago Chicago Talk Show Host
Former Governor Blagojevich gets one-day gig as WLS radio host. Thing on his head will screen all the calls.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Second Time Could Push Him Over The Brink
Prince Harry accidentally walks in on Lady Camilla in riding gear, riding and whipping Prince Charles once again.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
New DC Gay Superheroes
DC Comics has announced the creation of the first new gay superheroes since Buttman and Ribboned.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Robin Williams Deballed
Surgeons agree that Robin Williams eating too many hog balls could have led to heart surgery, lots of extra spunk as an actor. Recommend his dropping them from diet.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Toys For Twats
Due to nation's economic woes, Toys For Twats to begin collections a lot earlier this year.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Plane, Turds Suddenly Drop
Kid sitting in Captain's lap causes plane to drop 2,000 feet,
both fliers, ten passengers to simultaneously crap in pants.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
American Pluckiness Will Prevail
AS the country faces a fresh new wave of economic bailouts, Americans are being urged to tap into its massive pluckiness reserves.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
AIG Bonuses Returned
Practically all the AIG bonuses have now been returned, says AIG. Then tells Obama to take his protesters and shove them up his ass.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
He First Grills The Front
Boogertown Man who is totally hooked on junk food has that dream where he eats his old Nash Rambler again.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
"Cash" Quits Geico
The actor, popularized for playing "the money you could be saving with Geico," said the commercial spots were stupid, he never got any lines, and he would rather be "spending himself" (masturbating).
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Denver Bronco News
In sports, even though the team finished with eight wins and eight loses, several Denver Broncos are bucking for a raise.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Stock's Drop Suddenly
In New York City, stocks made a sudden drop after a prankster pushed a dummy with taped scream off top of 35-story building.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Stapled Stomach Working
Obese Boogertown man says well-stapled stomach surgery working great. "Every time I open the refrigerator door, about a hundred magnets attach themselves to my belly."
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Odor-Free Underwear Tested
A Japanese astronaut, who is testing stink-free underwear on the space station, wishes he had more for roommates. "After drinking piss, farts smoke up the windows."
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Woman Steals New Boobs
An Orange County, California woman is accused of stealing a pair of new breasts and then going on the lam. Police have used 54 identifying line-ups thus far since yesterday.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Dallas Police Drop Codes
The Dallas Police Department is dropping their police code in favor of plain English, I want you all to know!
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
NY Martial Law?
SCHENECTADY, New York is considering declaring Martial law over their police woes. Jackie Chan, Steven Seagal spotted headed towards city.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
IMF Head Speaks
Head of International Monetary Fund: Economic crisis dire, there's risk of more unrest and war and my 16-year-old daughter's pregnant.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Giant Prick Shock
Parents of an 18-year-old took over a year to realise he'd painted a 60ft penis on the roof of their house. That's nothing - it took the UK electorate a decade to work out that Gordon Brown's a cock.
written by Dungeekin, 24 March 2009
The Wyoming & South Dakota Blizzard of '09
A tremendous blizzard has shut down major highways in Wyoming and South Dakota. State police report that it could affect as many as 28 motorists.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
"Shotgun" Sarah Palin To Star As Annie Oakley
Gov. Sarah Palin has been offered the lead in The Story of Annie "Little Miss Sure Shot" Oakley. Palin is thrilled and says she'll travel to Wyoming to practice shooting buffaloes.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
Hey, Is This "Old Guys Marry Young Girls Week?"
Bruce Willis, 83 married Emma, 27. Harrison Ford, 91, will be marrying Calista, 32. And David Letterman, 88, married Regina, 29.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
Lindsay Lohan's "Boyfriend" Ronson
Lindsay Lohan's "boyfriend" Samantha Ronson is upset because Lindsay is spending money like crazy. Hmmm...Kind of like a real girlfriend - boyfriend relationship huh?.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
Hey Jim...64 Minus 24 = 40!
Billionaire Jim Clark, 64, has married Krisy Hinze, 24. When Clark was asked about the 40 year age difference, he smilied and said, "Hey, I don't see her as being 24, I see her as being 54."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
The Hulkster's Tell-All Book
Hulk Hogan has just signed a deal to publish a tell-all book. Amazing revelations include the fact that his name is not really Hulk, wrestling is fake, and his wife is not really a true blonde.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
The Sequel To The Petrified Forest
Universal Pictures announces that they have signed Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts to star in The Petrifed Forest sequel, The Scared-As-Hell Backwoods.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
USA To Purchase Chinese Condoms
Stimulus? USA to buy Chinese condoms, ending Alabama jobs. "Most wives prefer a little lead in their condoms", explains US Trade Commission.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Homophobe/Freak Attack Each Other
United States Representative Barney Frank calls Supreme Court Judge Scalia 'homophobe' in interview. Scalia, in turn, calls him, Barney Freak.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Start By Deporting "Green"?
Green advisor has urged the UK to cut its population in half to 'build a sustainable society'. Thirty million people say they object.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Newspapers Operating In The Read
The Ann Arbor News has announced it will publish its last edition in July, the Ann Arbor Penny Press will cease in September.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Inflation hits and all time low!
As inflation is at its worst in decades, bike pump sales boom.
written by QuakAtak, 24 March 2009
Astronauts Relaxing
Shuttle, station astronauts relax before parting by eating a few cookies, sipping a little piss.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
AIG'ers To Return $50 Million
New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo says that 15 AIG employees have agreed to return about $50 million in bonuses. Cuomo would like to express his thanks to Salvatore Goombalini for his assistance.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
The Newest Six Flags Reality Ride
The amusement park, Six Flags has announced the opening of their latest ride. It is called 'The Dow Jones Roller Coaster.' The ride goes up and down all the while the people are screaming like hell.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
Dow Jones Jumps, But Not Off Roof
The Dow Jones jumped yesterday as the White House removes bad bank assets, idiot assholes that's running them.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Miley Cyrus vs. The Asian Pacific Islanders
Descendants of Asian Pacific Islanders file a $4 billion lawsuit against Miley Cyrus saying she made fun of thier eyes. Miley has told them she'll give them $600 and 50 Hannah Montana sunglasses.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
Matt Lauer vs. Poor Little Bambi
Today Show host Matt Lauer was injured while riding his bike. He hit a deer which caused his bike to flip. The injuries, however occured afterwards when the deer tried to mate with him.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
LeAnn Rimes Kisses Husband In Public
LeAnn Rimes has been photographed kissing her husband Dean in public. Reports are that LeAnn's boyfriend Eddie is mad as hell.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
The GOP Tells Cheney To Go Home
Dick Cheney told CBS that the reason that poor people are so poor is because they have no money. Congressional Republicans are begging him to please return to his undisclosed hiding place quick!
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
Here Come The Chinese Condoms
The United States will be buying billions of condoms from China. One sales rep said, that they're kind of like Chinese food, you use one, and five minutes later you want to use another one.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
The New TV Sit-Com "The Alaskan Moose Blaster"
Roseanne will star in a new TV sit-com. The show is based loosely on the Palin family. She'll portray Senator Payton who has 13 kids, and spends all her free time stalking and blasting big game.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 March 2009
Two U.S. Journalists Held
N. Korean military intelligence officers are questioning two American journalists for alleged espionage, casting spells, after crossing into the country from China, a South Korean newspaper reports.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Obama Demands Good News
At a time when his Washington honeymoon is turning into a hazing, President Barack Obama and his team are launched on a strategy to see that only good news is reported. Rush Limbaugh already missing.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Airline Industry Losing $5 Billion
World airlines are set to lose $5 billion this year as a result of the global recession, shrinking passenger and cargo demand, industry body said. Hope to make up amount auctioning off lost luggage.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Kid Suspended For Passing Gas
In Lakeland, Florida, an eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas. The rest of the kids and driver also had to take three day breather.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
New Jersey Police Breakthrough
New Jersey officials have finally identified a woman found wandering at a mall in 1994. She's Jane Doe, from somewhere in South or Central America.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Hero Parrot Shows Priorities
A parrot named Willie that alerted his owner about baby who was choking was recognized as a hero by the Red Cross in Denver yesterday. Willie had yelled, "Baby Needs Heimlich, Willie Needs A Cracker!"
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Red Meat Bad For You?
New Study: Lots of red meat increases your mortality risk. Lots of green meat, even worse.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
AIG Grilled Today
Fed and Treasury chief to get grilled on AIG today, hope to come out grilled sunny side up.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Penile Enhancement
Man sets world record by solving popular 80's puzzler in 38 seconds using nothing more than his genitalia.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
All's Fair In Love and Price Wars
San Francisco valet runs ACE Parking out of business by circulating flyers suggesting ACE is an acronym for Automotive Collision Experts.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Bud Builds Better Bodies
Advocates for the legalization of marijuana considering Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps for an ad campaign in the spirit of the classic "Milk It Does A Body Good" promos.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Spoof Writer Changing Name to Jade Goody
"And not the name I publish spoof stories under, either, just in case that's what you're thinking. I'm going to change my REAL name."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Sign of the Times
Man arrested for panhandling in front of a Wall*Mart. He was carrying a sign on which he had scrawled, "PlEEz hElp fiHgt ilitAreAcy.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Just Tired of the Bickering
Psychologist suspects pilot of plane that crashed, killing 3 vacationing families and himself, may have meant to. He noted the irony of a plane crashing in a cemetery in the vast emptiness of Montana.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Just A "Red Herring"
Bruce Willis may have married Emma Herring, but he really wanted Lindsay Lohan. Oh, well. Maybe next time.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
If the shoe fits, you must acquit...
When prosecutors pointed out Lana Clarkson purchased 8 pairs of shoes the day of her "suicide," Phil Spector asked, "Did you see her feet? Seeing all those size 14's probably drove her over the edge."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
Top 10 Stupid Human Tricks
Regina Lasko, David Letterman's bride, nearly backed out on wedding day because he wouldn't quit doing that thing where he pulls on alternate sides of his tuxedo to make his tie go back and forth.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 24 March 2009
New Plague Idea
A new study just released by a group of historians shows that the Great Plague of Europe was spread mainly through double-dipping!
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Volcano's 5 Eruptions Sets Record
Alaska volcano Mount Redoubt erupted 5 times in the last 24 hours, breaking Governor Sarah Palin's old record of four.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
Tata Nano Car Costs $2,000
The Tata Nano, the world's cheapest car, has been launched in India, costing just under $2,000 (US). India has already received an order of 25,000 from the Taliban. They say they have drivers waiting.
written by Bureau, 24 March 2009
