There were 96 spoof news snippets published in October 2007. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Imaginary Pets Evolution Is Sign of the Times
Ipswich goat-fondler Clive Nascent keeps an imaginary Rhinocerous in his sock drawer. His father, Ron, had an imaginary Dodo, and his Dad, Nathan, kept a phantom Eohippus in a tiny calico bag. 'After all -Rhinos will soon be extinct so I'm keeping up the tradition' grimaced Clive.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 October 2007
Vast Load Disrupts Rush-Hour Traffic
Rush-hour drivers endured tailbacks on the M5 today as the 'convoi exceptional' bringing the Bishop of Gloucester back from York made painfully slow progress, but a Cathedral spokesman was unrepentant: 'these lorries really are the safest form of inter-bishopric travel'.
written by Erskin Quint, 31 October 2007
Fake victims thank FEMA at fake press conference
"I'm amazed at FEMA's improvement since the Hurricane Katrina disaster," said Paul Wilson, a FEMA employee who was posing as a victim of the California fires at FEMA's fake press conference...
written by Robin Berger, 29 October 2007
PM Browns off Tony's kecks
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has admitted he wore Tony Blair's lucky underpants throughout last week's Labour Party conference
written by parveen liddy, 01 October 2007
Controversy In China
The Chinese government is dealing with over-population by shooting all old people at birth.
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
Space Catastrophe
Apparently the Dogstar has exploded. Luckily it's not Sirius.
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
"Celebrities Are Clones" Claims Clown
Celebrities are manufactured in a factory in Lupsk, it was claimed yesterday. "David Hockney & Alan Bennett; Michael Jackson & his sisters; David Dickinson, Des O'Connor & Derek Batey - they're standard models & respray jobs!" ex-clown Arthur Dandruff assured Radio Wrexham's Alan Londis, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 16 October 2007
Charles "Hiding Like Saddam"
Prince Charles is "using doubles like Saddam did" claims Mrs Grimper, of "Ocean View" guest house. A recent lodger, claiming to be the Prince "didn't even look like 'im, and he nivver batted an eyelid when me hubby Bert asked aboot poor Diana's annivoosary."
written by Erskin Quint, 17 October 2007
Report reveals obesity caused by overeating
Fat people are more likely to put more food into their mouths than other people, a government survey has revealed. Prof Harrison Gonad said: 'Many fatties are not shy of the doughnut wagon.'
written by parveen liddy, 19 October 2007
Report stating that 'Pets Get SAD in Winter' is Bunk!
'Of course pets don't get Seasonal Affective Disorder. What bollocks. Wouldn't you be pissed off stuck on a perch all day with idiots shouting "pretty Poll" at you and feeding you stale cake & peanuts?' fumed Polly, a depressed Parrot from Swansea. 'I mean, I'm not even a girl!'
written by Erskin Quint, 19 October 2007
Refuse This.
Top up your bin with the Government's latest rubbish idea. Buy your previously free wheely bin or get 'pre pay' top up sacks with 50 free text messages and a ringtone of Gordon Brown singing 'Money, Money, Money'.
written by Candice Hitler, 30 October 2007
Double Freak
The world's only human sized midget was revealed today at london's Leicester Square. The crowd went mild with anticipation.
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
Plastic Andre
Slimy ageing teen fool, Peter Andre, is not actually made of plastic it was discovered today. His wife however, is, by at least 12%.
written by Candice Hitler, 11 October 2007
Monkey Accuses Weasel of Sexual Harassment
Weasel claims "popping" was consensual.
written by Kilroy, 23 October 2007
Ming Campbell
Menzies Campbell, old man of the Liberal Democrats has received his P45. It was delayed by the postal strikes.
written by Ben Macnair, 17 October 2007
Confusion Part I
Three men walked into a bar. Hilarity ensued, but not for the one that was made to look a bit of a fool.
written by Ben Macnair, 30 October 2007
Confusion Part II
A group of Penguins today joined a Nunnery. It spells the end for many a dubious joke, we are afraid.
written by Ben Macnair, 30 October 2007
Ivor the Engine
Ivor the Engine, beloved personified steam train in his own documentary will retire at the end of the year. Jones the Steam said: 'He was nothing to me. Just took the credit for everything'
written by Ben Macnair, 17 October 2007
The Ghost of Christmas Future
Old curmudgeon the Ghost of Christmas Future is actually Fraser from Dad's Army, and says 'Doomed!! We're all doomed'. Jones the Butcher said, 'Don't panic!! They don't like it up them!!!'
written by Ben Macnair, 17 October 2007
Brian Blessed
Loud actor Brian Blessed was today laid out by a bad case of man flu, and can now only whisper. His family said it was a Blessed relief (Cracker joke, circa 1973).
written by Ben Macnair, 17 October 2007
Rentaghost - The truth
The truth about childish drama Rentaghost was revealed earlier today. It was really not as good as we remember it being, like many things from our childhoods.
written by Ben Macnair, 17 October 2007
Oh Bullocks!
A Bull has broken all of the produce in a mirror shop. That is the last time that unlucky fool Mr Smith from Uphingham on the fritz gets his cliches mixed up. Well, that was what he said the last time, at least.
written by Ben Macnair, 17 October 2007
Google to Jail
A man, who googled himself today, found that he was wanted on three counts of gross negligence. He has turned himself into the Police, whilst his wife of two months collects the reward.
written by Ben Macnair, 17 October 2007
Canned Laughter
The canned laughter used in Sitcom 'My Family' has been released into the wild. The programmes makers face charges of animal cruelty.
written by Ben Macnair, 17 October 2007
Needles
Today, a hay straw was found in a needle shop. That is the last time Windy Miller mixes his cliches.
written by Ben Macnair, 30 October 2007
Spelling
Today, a ghost writer revealed that he purposely left spelling mistakes in the books he wrote for Enud Blighton KJ Growling, and ST Elliot.
written by Ben Macnair, 30 October 2007
Free Newspapers
Free Newspapers are no longer free. Busy people now have to pay for sheets of paper with three pieces of lat weeks news and advertisments for products that they never knew they could not live without.
written by Ben Macnair, 30 October 2007
"Amnesia? I don't remember having that!"
A man who woke up today with amnesia, found himself in the pile of single socks that live in the washing machine.
written by Ben Macnair, 13 October 2007
Number Crunching
Recent polls suggest that faith in statistics has fallen by 16%.
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
Beagle 3 plans unveiled
Britain hopes to have another non-communicating dustbin lid on Mars by 2010.
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
International Weather Forecast
Temperature today will remain at a constant 2-27 degrees.
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
Monet for Old Rope
The BBC has revealed that impressionist Claude Monet could do Frank Spencer and Bruce Forsyth so well, that he would often overdub them on radio appearances.
written by Candice Hitler, 09 October 2007
War Update
Peace nearly broke out in Iraq today. Luckily coalition forces were able to stamp it out quickly and clumsily.
written by Candice Hitler, 10 October 2007
Man puts his Wife up for Sale
Ad reads: "Wife; 11 previous owners, one spare tyre, bodywork starting to go, nice big boot."
written by Candice Hitler, 10 October 2007
Gaffney - Eastenders Tough Guy?
Robbie (Dean Gaffney) from Eastenders is f**king Wellard apparently. Wellard is reported to think 'he could do better'.
written by Candice Hitler, 11 October 2007
Miserable sod cracks one off
Jack Dee smiled yesterday. Eyewitnesses say it was hideous.
written by Candice Hitler, 11 October 2007
Too Wet
The North sea has flooded. Fish and whales are being relocated to Seaworld in California for immediate exploitation.
written by Candice Hitler, 11 October 2007
Mixed B-Lessing
Wisened wordsmith Doris Lessing was today furious that her award for the Nobel Prize for Literature rudely interrupted her weekly 'big shop'.
written by Candice Hitler, 12 October 2007
PC World News.
Uruguay is the first country to buy the new $100 laptops for children. The laptops consist of a pen and a double sided sheet of A4 paper with a calculator stapled onto it. They are said to be 'very happy'
written by Candice Hitler, 30 October 2007
McCann and Will.
Having your child abducted is being recommended by the Government as a suitable method of eliviating debt, and an ideal solution for 1st time house buyers.
written by Candice Hitler, 30 October 2007
Bagpuss in running for Liberal Democrat
Bagpuss, resting star of his own series in the 1970's has revealed that he is in the running for Liberal Democrat Leadership. Proffessor Yaffle, a colleague of Bagpuss said 'What? I can't hear you. Where did I put my ear trumpet?'
written by Ben Macnair, 17 October 2007
Gggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Today, a Grizzly Bear made a picnic for a holidaying family, which put paid to their fearsome reputation.
written by Ben Macnair, 30 October 2007
Science
Boffins have proven beyond doubt that water never gets any wetter.
written by Ben Macnair, 30 October 2007
Cruel but Fair
3 people arrested for running underground 'ugly person' baiting ring. These illegal contests are known as 'Speed Dating'. If you have any information, or you're single and lonely, call 08764 767683525254 85 4384 3784
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
Brand Named
Jo Brand is officially human, scientists discovered today after years of extensive testing.
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
Time Team
Time Team are still investigating why people buried their houses in times gone by. More info to follow.
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
David Cameron's recent weight loss
Maybe he hasn't 'eton' all the pies.
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
Stealth Tax
Anybody found hiding in shadows or creeping quietly will be ordered to pay fifteen pounds as of today.
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
Going, going, gone
David Dickinson was accidentally sold for 250 pounds today after a mix up in an auction room whilst filming.
written by Candice Hitler, 08 October 2007
Phone-in Scandal
If you think the BBC should cancel all phone in votes text YES to 27777 or NO to 56777. All profits will go towards a hoverpack for the Director General.
written by Candice Hitler, 09 October 2007
Man Vs Machine
Stephen 'cyborg' Hawking has been voted sexiest home appliance for the third consecutive year.
written by Candice Hitler, 09 October 2007
Xmas Protection Group Releases New Slogan
Santa is for life, not just for Christmas
written by Candice Hitler, 10 October 2007
Lesser Spotted Celebrity...Spotted
Dame Edna Everage was spotted punching a horse in the 'Wild Bean Cafe', located within Slough's BP Petrol Station.
written by Candice Hitler, 11 October 2007
Shambles
Greasy beanpole Pete Doherty was caught not taking drugs today. Fans were incensed by his betrayal.
written by Candice Hitler, 11 October 2007
War Latest
200 tons of democracy were dropped on Iraq today.
written by Candice Hitler, 11 October 2007
Anti Social Clothing
Hoodys will now automatically be sold with ASBOs.
written by Candice Hitler, 11 October 2007
New show to be aired just after The Archers
Winchester Gangster and black-emulator, Tim Westwood, will host a new Radio 4 rap show.
written by Candice Hitler, 11 October 2007
Grey Area
Illiterate hate wielding political party the BNP are today in talks about a potential takeover bid by extreme civil rights group the Black Panthers.
written by Candice Hitler, 12 October 2007
Family want plastic pen tops ban (BBC)
Family of the un-fed village idiot who died eating a pen lid today called for the government to ban other 'killers' old age and cancer.
written by Candice Hitler, 13 October 2007
Ming Duped
The BBC faked Sir Menzies Campbell's resignation from the nation's 3rd rate party the Liberal Democrats it was unveiled today.
written by Candice Hitler, 16 October 2007
'PM X-Factor a Winner!' says Cameron
Turtle-necked X-Factor Impresario Simon Cowell's proposal for a 'PM X-Factor' TV show to replace General Elections is a big hit with meretricious Tory leader David Cameron. 'After all, X-Factor is hot, and boring old politics is not!' crowed the Boy Leader yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 October 2007
Artist formerly known as 'Good'
Apparently a gas leak caused people to accidentally enjoy weird sex dwarf Prince's endless concerts at the O2 arena.
written by Candice Hitler, 30 October 2007
Orkshun nyoose
A selection of nails are going under the hammer at Sotheby's. They're putting up some pictures.
written by Candice Hitler, 31 October 2007
Prententious, Moi?
Iggy Pop, staunch defender of the Punk ethos has re-written his angsty anthem - 'Chairman of the Bored' to be 'Voted leader of people with a slight case of Ennui'.
written by Ben Macnair, 25 October 2007
Dumbledore - Not really Gay
In a story that shocked the world, JK Rowling said that Harry Potter character Dumbledore was gay, what she really meant was that he was happy.
written by Ben Macnair, 28 October 2007
Forty Men Arrested for Having Sex in Tennessee Public Parks
All 40 furtively inserted a guilty plea, prematurely withdrew, then, ala Larry Craig, shamelessly went into terminal denial. Numerous pairs of tap shoes recovered will soon be available for purchase on eBay.
written by TomFoolery, 03 October 2007
Fat Wealthy Man Gets Smoking Hot Girlfriend
Three nearby gentlemen pretended as though they would not have sex with the woman in question on principles, calling her a "gold digger" while undressing her with their eyes.
written by Entropus, 08 October 2007
Boy Expecting Happy Ending Disappointed
His dog hadn't run away and gone on a grand adventure as he had been told. Rather, his parents ran it over and lied to him. Neighbors called the dog "an annoying bastard" and said "good riddance!"
written by Entropus, 08 October 2007
Drunk in charge of a cart
Scottish police have arrested a horse who was found to have ten times the legal limit of alcohol in its system. The police officer said the horse had denied it had been drinking. "When I asked him, he said 'neigh'."
written by Captain Equality, 08 October 2007
Penis Enlargement Program
Today a woman received a record 203 emails offering her various penis enlargement solutions.
written by Passion Vine House, 09 October 2007
Ogle's Shares Reach $666
Ogle Inc is hailed as one of the hottest commodities with shares climbing to $666 mark. Spokesperson explains "Never under-estamate the power of ogling Ads"
written by Professor Ransakka Ph.D, 09 October 2007
Bush Has 30 Seconds of Clear, Unmuddled Logical Thought
The visibly disturbed War President swore never to do that again and locked himself away to watch "Gunsmoke" on DVD for a week to straighten himself out.
written by Entropus, 09 October 2007
"Owls About That Then?"
We know that "Lady of the Lamp" Florence Nightingale kept an owl, "Athena", in her pocket. But it was Charles Darwin, with his stick insects, 'Napoleon and Wellington', who was the first eminent Victorian to maintain a 'pocket bestiary'
written by Erskin Quint, 16 October 2007
Artist is a Real Hoot!
Ruritanian artist Roger Rogerssen, in a radical statement about the Crimean War and the cult of celebrity, paraded around Trafalgar Square yesterday, wearing a replica "Nightingale" dress, and with a mock "Athena" poster of an owl in his pocket.
written by Erskin Quint, 16 October 2007
Colbert Steps Up, America Is Safe!
Stephen Colbert,author of I'm America and You Can Be Too,narrowed his beady little eyes today and told a hushed, vacant room that he was offering his lithe, tanned body and brittle mind to being ... um, President. Of these United States... soon.
written by Scrip, 17 October 2007
Experts Say Let the Children Cough
A panel of experts recently advised against using cough and cold medicines on children under six. The panel, made up entirely of men, suggested the children just "walk it off."
written by Greg Schwartz, 20 October 2007
Diana's Last Words: 'AAARRRRRGGGHHH'
Speculation that Princess Diana said something relevant as she lay dying were sensationally quashed today. Witnesses revealed her last words were the rather unprofound 'Aaarrrrrggghhhh.'
written by T. Pynchon, 25 October 2007
Dad Asks Embarrassing Questions About 'Halo 3'
OMAHA, Nebraska (HNN) -- David Volumeknob, 16, accused his father, Fred, 48, of "totally embarrassing him" in front of his friends as he played Halo 3 on the family X-Box system by asking stupid questions such as "What does that do?"
written by Heewack, 25 October 2007
Saint Bob Geldof in 'hot water'
Sir Bob Geldof found himself in controversy yesterday after he admitted to never drinking fairly traded tea at home because he can taste the "lack of f*****g effort" in the production process.
written by mobs4jg2, 30 October 2007
BDSM Animals Shock RSPCA
RSPCA man Andrew Cross has appealed to BDSM enthusiasts to spare their pets. 'Last week near Keighley we had to remove an electric eel from a young lady in a bath and yesterday it took three of us all morning to remove the nipple clamps from a herd of cows at Pontefract' he complained.
written by Erskin Quint, 30 October 2007
Eating too much makes you fat!
A new study shows that eating too much fatty foods can lead to obesity.
written by Jon-jo Jones, 10 October 2007
T-Rex foot print found
Alistair Darling announces new dinosaur foot print party logo
written by Danny Buckle, 10 October 2007
Post office strike latest
Striking post office workers' P45s lost in post
written by Danny Buckle, 10 October 2007
Suspended Hospital Staff say it was worth it to Discover George Clooney is a Woman
Over 20 hospital staff were suspended for peeking at George Clooney's medical records after he was admitted after a motorcycle accident. Several have stated it was worth it, given the revelation that Clooney is actually 'Georgia Clooney'.
written by tva, 10 October 2007
BBC News 25/8
BBC have launched their new News Channel, which will operate 25hrs a day, 8 days a week in a bid to boost viewers.
written by Jon-jo Jones, 11 October 2007
Listen to Your Mother
A boy from Keighley, West Yorkshire has grown potatoes in his ears. After months of telling her son to clean his ears his Mum found a few Marie Pipers.
written by Jon-jo Jones, 16 October 2007
Curt Schilling to be Devalued
The Boston Red Sox announced today that if the team does not make it to the World Series their starting pitcher Curt Schilling will be devalued. He will be known as Curt Ninepence after Thursday.
written by Passion Vine House, 17 October 2007
Blunt Cutlery
The warbling bearded plum aka singer James Blunt is endorsing a new range of monogrammed tea towels, fish knives and egg spoons. When asked to commment, he told our reporter, "Fwah na pwah de popo tiddley tiddly, what-what!" Whatever that means.
written by Coco de Pudsey, 22 October 2007
Cowell Encourages Idiots
A lenghty study from the Office of National Statistics has revealed that people who watch X Factor are idiots. There were no other findings.
written by The Colemeister, 24 October 2007
How old is old.....
Heard on Tv today...Bargain Hunt:-
That antique is a bit dated now !
written by Bunts, 25 October 2007
'I am a murderer' confesses Blair
'I killed that old woman in Wolverhampton in '78. They never found the body. I wanted money for cider. It still bothers me. Sometimes I want to kill again' said Colin Blair, a homeless alcoholic in Leicester, last night at 03:45.
written by Erskin Quint, 28 October 2007
Hillary trips, breaks hip
Hillary was released earlier toady from the hospital afer tripping over a kneeling intern going around Bill's desk. Doctor's say she will be back on the campaign trail within a week, bending Obama over the barrel in Iowa.
written by Charlie the Truck Driver, 30 October 2007
Rep. Dennis Kucinich Acknowledges Sighting UFO
Sighting, hell, he was driving it!
written by TomFoolery, 31 October 2007
The Sun Prints True Story
The Sun today printed a story which was actually true. More to follow...wait...no...that's it.
written by Lee Wyatt, 16 October 2007
