Genetically altered killer carp are suddenly turning up in the waters of all blue states, causing biologist to suspect they are agents of biological warfare sent to destroy all human life in the unpatriotic region. "They're big, they're bad, they're ugly, with a faint resemblance to Wolfowitz" said Illinois state biologist Ching Aling. At a week old, they can eat an unpatriotic child in one bite. Within weeks, they can eat the Chicago Bears, but then I guess anyone can."
The exact source of the carp is unknown, but appears a derivative of the Asian carp that have been moving up from the red states for years. Dr. Aling explained: "Those idiot red state rednecks import all kinds of weird carp and its always disastrous, and never accomplishes what they wanted. To get rid of their problem, they elected Bush, which accelerated global warming, which made their Asian carp move north, destroying the fishing economy of the blue states. Of course, the feds deny all of this."
"But these carp," she continued, "are different. They can reach the size of a small submarine and can eat boats and their unpatriotic occupants whole. Now we're noticing specimens that have lungs as well as gills, meaning soon they're be walking on land, eating up all the unpatriotic people up here, which according to the administration, is just about all of us."
Ching continued: "These were obviously developed by a team of evil physicists, genetic engineers and wildlife biologists. No one's surprised by the work of evil physicists and genetic engineers, but many are shocked to learn that about 10 percent of all wildlife biologists are intrinsically evil. That may seem out of character, but there are rewards. Right now they're the darlings of the federal government, and Haliburton employs a battalion of them. Most eco-thug corporations have a few on their staff at high salaries. Its like Monsanto, you know, employing all those entomologists to keep developing more ravenous termites."
It is uncertain what will happen when the un-American blue-staters are all transformed into carp dookie. Speculation is the killer carp will then starve to death, leaving the vast expanses of the ever-warming blue states open for civilization by good, patriotic Americans. Planning is more advanced than one might think, as the "big dig" in Boston keeps looking more and more like a NASCAR track.
