Physicist explains: global warming 'will happen all at once'

Funny story written by Helen Tarnation

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

image for Physicist explains: global warming 'will happen all at once'
Earth's atmosphere turns to this 'in an instant' of catastrophic global warming

Climate scientists have long been struggling to account both for global warming, and for recent trends that show Earth's atmospheric temperature has been constant, or even falling, over the last decade.

'That is because they don't understand the physics involved', said Myron Bright, Ph.D. of the Berkely-Bedell Physical Research Institute.

'It comes down to the nature of the CO2 molecule', Bright explains. 'Of all the molecules found in Earth's atmosphere, CO2 is completely unique. In fact, CO2 is different from every other natural substance that exists.'

'Every substance known to science absorbs energy at the same rate as it emits energy', Bright says. 'If one kilogram of a substance takes one hour to heat it to 100 C, it will take one hour to cool back down to its original temperature.'

'CO2 does not behave this way', Bright points out. 'CO2 actually absorbs more heat than it emits. It actually holds heat to itself, while continuing to absorb more.'

This, he says, is the property of CO2 that climatologists latch on to when they speak of the 'runaway greenhouse effect' -- a situation where the CO2-saturated atmosphere simply continues to absorb and retain heat.

'The climatologists have it half right', Bright says, 'and that's where they go wrong.'

The problem, he says, is that they can't account for the current lack of a warming trend, or even a current slight decline.

'I can account for that easily', Bright says. 'The CO2 molecule is not merely absorbing heat from the Sun', he says. 'It is also absorbing heat from the surrounding environment.'

'This actually results in a cooling effect,' he added. 'Currently, atmospheric CO2 concentrations are at roughly 385 parts per million. That's actually a very small portion of the atmosphere. But when you consider that this small portion is absorbing the heat from everything else, you get a non-trivial result.'

So, what does this mean for the future climate? Will the CO2 actually bring on an Ice Age, or eventually heat things to the point of climate catastrophe?

'Yes, and yes,' Bright says. 'The recent cooling trend shows that we're at a tipping point. Not very long from now, the CO2 molecules will have absorbed so much energy from the environment that they will no longer be able to maintain their nuclear bonds. The molecules will fission into a burst of stripped particles, and in a chain reaction, Earth's atmosphere will reach a temperature of 1240 C in less than two minutes.'

'Thus,' he says, 'you will have catastrophic global warming almost instantaneously.'

'It won't hurt for very long', he added.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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