Written by Eddie French

Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for British Boffins Bemusing Biggie 'Bout Big Bang
Tuesdays Cover page

Cosmologists at Cambridge University have published what leading Boffins have hailed as 'The Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything'. After 25 years of non stop head banging, teeth gnashing, mind ripping effort, a small team of little known research (Mature) students claim to have answered the big question.

The team first got together almost 25 years ago after failing all subjects on the syllabus (except art and social studies) to drown their collective sorrows at a small pub in the centre of Cambridge. Ignoring the changes that progress brought to the area, they decided that they would stay completely pissed until they 'Passed something besides Art and Social Studies'.

The area around the pub soon became pedestrianised and so, cut off from the rapidly rusting bicycles chained up at a nearby bike stand, they hunkered down to some serious research. On a diet of real ale and steak and ale pies with mushy peas, they pushed the boundaries of quantum theory way beyond the pale and right out into the murky realms of the Urinals.

The selfless efforts of the group finally paid huge dividends when the long awaited paper was eventually published last week.

Sollie Inkswitch, the unofficial spokesperson for the group had this to say last night: "I sobered up once back in 1989 and went out to have a look around"

When asked to elaborate on this statement he shook his head and said: "Didn't like it much, went back in"

Pushed further on the question of the Big Bang theory he replied: "S'alright, pleny' time for anudder"

So this reporter is heading into the pub with Sollie for anudder This reporter will probably stay there right up the time of the Big Bang, which is according to Sollie and his team, next Tuesday, just after lunch, about 1:38 pm to be not too precise.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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