BEDFORD FALLS - After years of failed attempts, George Bailey has finally lassoed the moon.
The main character in the holiday favorite "It's a Wonderful Life" told reporters it took years of careful planning and help from friends on earth and in heaven to do it.
"I finally realize that no man is a failure who has friends," a joyful Bailey said during a press conference at Bailey Brothers Building and Loan. "There was a time when I thought this endeavor was just futile. I even considered jumping off the bridge until I saw that little fellow jump off and I had to jump in and save him."
That little fellow, an angel named Clarence Odbody, was Bailey's salvation.
"He is the one who gave me the inspiration to finally be able to do this," Bailey said of Odbody.
Said Clarence: "Because of George I finally got my wings."
Lassoing the moon was a promise he made to then-girlfriend Mary Hatch. They later married and despite her death in a car accident two years ago Bailey worked hard to make that promise come true.
"She gave me a framed, cartoon caricature of myself lassoing the moon and that was always great inspiration."
Bailey spent years developing a rope long enough to lasso the moon and once he figured that out, the problem of overcoming gravity took another three decades of study.
That problem was solved with help from his friend Sam Wainwright, a plastics mogul, who now works as a consultant to the aerospace industry.
Wainwright was pleased to provide the technology needed to make his friend's promise of lassoing the moon a reality. "Hee-haw," a jovial Wainwright said to reporters. "You know I offered to give this guy the ground floor in plastics but he turned me down. Married to that old building and loan, he was. But he succeeded and now we can put Bedford Falls on the again."
Bailey also credited Old Man Gower, the druggist, who came up with propulsion fuel in his spare time that was able to get the heat-resistant rope into orbit.
Bailey's youngest daughter, Zuzu, now a successful botanist, was thrilled at her father's accomplishment. "I always knew he would do it," she said. "We consider this to be another red letter day for the Baileys."
The actual launch occurred high atop Mount Bedford, where Bailey had once offered to take Violet Bick. His brother Harry, a World War II ace, was there for the launch as well.
As George swung the state-of-the-art lasso over his head and let go, the deafening roar of its thrust rumbled around the launch pad and shook Bedford Falls.
NASA scientists watched in amazement as the rope continued hurtling upwards before finally catching hold of the moon.
Bells rang in jubilation and Mr. Martini had plenty of wine and other spirits on hand for the occasion served by Nick the bartender.
As the bells rang, Zuzu looked at her father, and almost as if history repeated itself, exclaimed, "Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings."
Bailey smiled in the affirmative and gave Clarence a wink. Clarence smiled back and said, "You've really had a wonderful life."
Mr. Potter, who is currently in a federal prison for fraud and grand larceny, declined comment.