London - (Ass Mess): Marine conservationists at London Zoo believe that global warming is responsible for a spate of virgin births among sperm whale females following their alarming disinterest in traditional mating.
Tests on their offspring have confirmed that none of the young carry any paternal DNA.
"That means the male sperm whales are now completely redundant in large parts of the world's oceans including the waters around Juneau, Alaska - home of the Corrupt Bastards Club global terror group," a conservation spokesman said today.
"Seabed pollution, typically from oil spillages near Alaska's BP Proud Ho Bay, as well as rising water temperatures may mean these female sperm whales are producing enough extra testosterone to trigger self-fertilising ova.
"If the phenomenon spreads to land-based mammals, all hell could reak loose.
"What would Alaska's Corrupt Bastards Club say if Maggie, their totem female elephant at Anchorage Zoo, suddenly prove to be pregnant despite a lifetime of celibacy?
"Would somebody blame Bruce Weyhrauch for quitely sneaking in and doing the dirty while nobody's lookin'?"