Hallmark Channel Causes Weight Gain in Women

Funny story written by Harry Klondike

Sunday, 5 April 2020

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Lori Laughlin and Steve Guttenberg’s bank accounts aren’t the only thing growing since the Hallmark Channel’s inception. The stories have a certain saccharine formula; always Christmas with blue skies, and a dusting of snow on the ground - and, for some reason, despite stories taking place in the U.S., there is always someone of aristocracy in town.

Since the Covid-19 lockdown, Apple, Google, and a number of other tech giants, have confirmed what many husbands have known for years - the Hallmark Channel is making women fat. What is not yet known, is whether it’s the storylines or the images of a cool climate, that causes women to pack on the pounds.

One statistic from the metadata found that every minute of programming equaled 20 consumed calories. This has created an epidemic of beautiful women, some of whom have won prizes in pageants to mutate. Dr. Garret Phillips, whose own wife has been a casualty of this unfortunate plague of programming, said, ‘it’s impossible to know how many once-comely females have become couch-bound behemoths as a result of this toxic television.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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