Written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 21 December 2018

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image for Updated Version of Electronic Ouija Board Fails to Produce Terrifying Ghostly or Demonic Activity

Platteville, WI. KRIMCO's newly released electronic Ouija Board failed to impress a local resident who purchased the device with the sincerest hope that using it would cause frightening spiritual events to occur.

With everything he had learned about in ghost documentaries and seen in movies pertaining to the controversial item, 29-year-old Joshua Klein said that he was 'more than disappointed' when nothing of a ghostly or demonic nature happened after experimenting with the game for 17 days in a row.

The technologically advanced version of the spirit board is about the same size and shape as the original. One major difference that people find odd, however, is that it can only be used by one player at a time because there is obviously no planchette involved.

The device consists of a video screen, a keyboard, and a battery charger. When flipped open and turned on, the screen prompts you to ask a question ('if you dare') that is no longer than 90 characters in length. After you type in your question, the electronic Ouija Board will either generate a numeric answer (no longer than three characters in length) or provide one of six possible responses: YES; NO; MAYBE; GOODBYE; I DON'T UNDERSTAND; and CAN YOU PLEASE RETYPE YOUR QUESTION?

Joshua told reporters that when he asked his electronic Ouija Board if he would ever meet the love of his life, the response he received was "GOODBYE." When he asked it how long he would live, he wasn't even given a numeric answer. He was simply asked to retype his question.

"I really wish I hadn't paid 480 dollars for the fucking piece of shit," he stated. "The screen doesn't even have a picture of a Ouija Board on it. There is no sun, no moon, no images, and no type of design whatsoever. It's just a blue screen with a box in the center that allows you to type in your question," he further complained.

Desperately hoping to get some type of ghostly excitement or perhaps even a few terrifying demonic responses, Mr. Klein resorted to provoking it with insulting questions such as, "Hey Dead People! How The Fuck Are You?" and even "Yo Bitches! What's Up?" Unfortunately, it just kept replying, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND."

Exhausted and frustrated with the device, Joshua gave it to his neighbor, 27-year-old Todd Bauers, who merely became constipated the next morning after using it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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