New Zealand -- Mothers (Dad is drunk in front of the TV. As usual.) have been warned to use care when infants are placed in car seats. They may not be breathing. The infants may be having trouble, too.
An Auckland physician, Aarron Deuxheit, MD, LMNO, PhD, has reported in JAMA (Journal of Avuncular Medical Advice) that 9 infants experienced (some sort of) breathing difficulty when mom (always HER, isn't it?) placed her sleeping infant on a flat surface.
(No, see, the baby was IN the infant car seat that was then placed on a flat surface, like, say, the floor. Just clarifying. Carry on.)
Deuxheit expressed his disgust at the negligence of the mothers: "We found that while the infants didn't seem to suffer any serious effects, they did experience breathing trouble because the flat surface allowed the infants' heads to roll forward, cutting off their typically regular breathing.
"I was appalled to find that these 9 mothers were so careless and cruel as to allow that situation to develop. Mothers must be vigilant 100% of the time. They are responsible for bringing that new life into being, and I cannot fathom why they allowed their little uncontrollable heads to fall forward. Don't these moms know that an infant's head must be in the breathing position? It's an outrage."
Deuxheit listed the (tenuous) connections to the "head drop syndrome," as he describes it, and what he believes are some important factors predictive of a poor adulthood for such babies:
>> 5 moms were smokers. They apparently tried to wedge the matchbook under the baby's chin to free the other hand for striking.
>> 1 mom was a meth head and claimed she was distracted at the time with picking her leg scabs. She vowed to switch to pot because she'd learned her lesson about lighting the joint from the 5 smoking moms.
>> 2 moms were crack whores whose tricks wanted Round-The-World, thus consuming the time they had set aside for infant-watching. They, too, vowed to switch to pot, having learned their lesson from the smoking moms.
>> 1 mom had a severe case of crabs, and claimed that she didn't want to expose the child to the pediculicide. She sneaked off to treat the infestation while the baby slept "for 10 minutes, tops."
>> 1 mom had no infant-breathing problem, but decided to report herself anyway because she just knew she was a bad mother. Her own mom had said so.
Deuxheit had some salient advice for the mom (besides non-stop vigilance while dad throws back a few with his buds) who plans to use a car seat outside the safe environment of the automobile:
>> Use a breathing monitor at ALL times. Bathe carefully (the baby) around the unit and don't prop the bottle on it.
>> Don't smoke cigarettes within 100 yards of the infant -- other smokables, 5 paces. Ask the suspected pedophile next door, if you MUST have a butt, to keep an eye on the child's head. Tell him to call 911 if it won't swallow.
>> There is no excuse for not strapping the child to your chest. It can sleep perfectly well in that position, but be aware that you may have to remove the baby to change its diaper and possibly feed it.
>> Don't swim unless you have removed the child from your chest. Remember: unstrap baby, THEN swim.
>> If grandma is also a whore (crack or not), have her take over some of your Johns until the child is able to sit up on its own fairly well and can be plopped in front of the Cartoon Channel while you're working (it).
>> Take a page from Britney Spears. In her book a baby doesn't need anything but a mom's loving arms. And the steering wheel is handy for keeping its head in the "up" position.
