Hindenburg Zeppelin Disaster Finally Solved

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Friday, 17 October 2014

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In 1776 Marie Curie invented radiation. In 10,254.543 BC, Grog invented the bonfire and shortly afterwards, the Bar-B-Que. In 1935 Moe slapped fellow Stooge, Curly, repeatedly until he came up with a vision which would eventually lead to the creation of Keeping up with the Kardasians.

It was recently determined by the Phinicky Physicist Federation of Tuft (PPFT), that all of these inventions combined to cause the 1976 Hindenburg Zeppelin disaster by little known Featherologist, Doctor Earnest Von Downy, in a fissiony, fiery, slap happy way kind of way.

Dr. Von Downy, who received a Doctorate in Duck Feather Technology from Qvack University in Berlin, became the first and only physicist to developed warm fission by combining duck feathers with everyday household items, mainly a helicopter beanie and an empty egg shell. The technical scope of Von Downy's invention is well beyond the mental capacity of ordinary writers and readers. A more scientific explanation can be found in the Sunday Comics section of the Washington Post.

In an egg shell, what can be said about warm fission is that it can only occur at the exact temperature of 74.234 degrees Fahrenheit or -43.343 degrees Celsius. For this article we will be using the Fahrenheit temperature as Celsius is way too cold.

Von Downy's discovery did not occur in Germany. It was conceived in the United States in the state of New Jersey. Apparently, in his early years, Von Downy made an attempt to impress Adolph Hitler with his invention of schnapps laced with duck feathers. Hitler scoffed at the idea, called him a Qvack and sent him to the New Jersey Shore to be a spy in the American pillow making industry. In his memoirs, Von Downy reminisced that in hindsight, he should have presented Hitler his other idea which was schnapps laced with gold, but he felt that at the time it would have been even sillier than the duck feather idea.

While on the New Jersey Shore, Von Downy spent years of failed experimentation that literally blew up entire towns and city blocks, while he tried to find the exact variables which would eventually lead to warm fission. While the damage from his experiments was extensive, he was never arrested or cited for any crime as, in each instance, he explained to the local constabulary the damages were caused by a mere grease fire that got out of control.

This probably explains why the Jersey Shore is in the state it is in today, which is New Jersey.

On that fateful day in 1999, Dr Von Downy was performing a warm fission test with help from his lab assistant, Whirly Dim Cretin. Dim Cretin was a German student who was exchanged for a much smarter and brighter American one.

Whirly Dim Cretin was to wear what was termed the Beaneggy, which was a device that consisted of a helicopter beanie with the egg shell filled warm fission energy source set between the propeller and beanie top. He was to fly off the ground 10 feet straight up and then back down once the ambient temperature hit precisely 74.234 degrees Fahrenheit.

Unfortunately, the Beaneggy was too small to fit on Dim Cretin's head which led Von Downy to take a sledge hammer to it while it was still askew on his assistant's head. It took several good whacks to pound the Beaneggy in place, which, unfortunately cased damage to its propeller. Once it was set and the temperature variable was hit, Von Downy started the warm fission reactor by eating a burrito and then burping over its outer eggshell housing.

Once started, Dim Cretin was lifted not straight upwards at a 90 degree angle but tangentially at a cute 65 degree angle due to the bent propeller and right into the nose of the docking Hindenburg. Once it got near to the Zeppelin, a cool breeze kicked up from the north causing the ambient air temperature to drop 74.23399999 .0001 degrees Fahrenheit.

According to PPFT, this temperature change caused the burrito burp to become encapsulated by the ionized and iodized duck feathers which, everyone knows will always result in a Chernobyl syndrome that, not only blew up the Hindenburg, but, also created the Meadowlands as well as Atlantic City.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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