Arsenal's Missed Targets

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

With the news that long term arsenal target Julian Draxler has joined PSG on a four year contract we at BATTL news decided to pre-empt all the news and sport websites. We are great believers in the hyperbole and complete shrieking nonsense around football being the thing that has destroyed the game. Not the endless streams of money (nobody says a word about baseball contracts, formula one drivers or film stars wages), not incompetent referees or diving. It's the sense of fear from a media claiming to "represent the people" that are ruining football. So in the spirit of the insane hysteria that will more than likely come out of this transfer So here are the ten players that Arsene Wenger should have signed BUT DIDN'T!!!!

Cristiano Ronaldo- A young Portuguese winger was terrorising defences for Sporting Lisbon back in 2003.....that man had bionic surgery and became the half man-half goal scoring uber machine that he is today. In today's inflated market he is worth £150million back then Arsenal could have signed him for a packet of crisps and a couple of signed Arsenal strips. After Wenger FAILED to get the current first team to sign said strips it's reported that the young Cristiano grew frustrated and singed for Manchester United in floods of tears.

Didier Drogba- Long before the powerful Ivorian was smashing his way through Arsenals defence like a out of control train Wenger could have picked him up for as little as £100K. After watching him at least three times Arsene decided that he wasn't ready for a club of Arsenals stature and left him languishing in the French leagues. In anger at this snub Didier swore vengeance and went on to score 675 goals in 12 matches against the hapless Gunners and their short sighted manager. Many believe that the true reason was that Arsenals terrified defenders couldn't bear to face him in lunch....or him knowing where they lived.

Sergio Busquets- Is he a decent player? Yes Would he get in arsenals first team? Yes. Will Barcalona ever sell him? No. Have Arsenal ever made a bid for him or declared any sort of interest in the lad? No. Does that last point make any difference to us using him not signing as a stick to beat Wenger with? Of course it doesn't. Wenger hasn't even TRIED to throw a stupid amount of money at a player who doesn't want to leave the easy stroll around La Liga he's got every week. #WengerOut

Sam Westwood- A striker of immense potential who scored 345 goals in 356 games for Newcastle United during his successful career. Well we say career, he was a newly generated player on Championship Manager 2 we signed from Luton for £40k. But with a scouting network as extensive as Arsenals you're telling us they wouldn't have known about him? Wenger has a lot to answer for.

Pele- Despite retiring before Wenger became a manager Pele is still regarded as the greatest player of all time. For the self styled "specialist in failure" it is a absolute travesty that a young thrusting Pele wasn't spotted playing for Santos or even in the world cup. It's not like that's a secret event. Arsenal fans pay the HIGHEST ticket prices in England and apparently they can't be BOTHERED to put funds into a time machine development program! The contempt from this club is unreal.

The number 9 I saw down the park scoring six goals- I spoke to him after this match in the Combined Estates Lower South East Cul-De-Sac 7th Division Championships had elevated him to superstar status. He said that he had heard that "scouts from Arsenal are here" or was it "Sam you're a Arsehole!" he couldn't quite remember. It all seems obvious to me that Wenger has complete and total HATRED for the English game and refuses to sign what is blatantly the next big thing in English game. He could be the next Jamie Vardy or Barry Halyes. We will never know.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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