Beyonce Reveals Weight Loss Secrets

Written by Auntie Matter

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

image for Beyonce Reveals Weight Loss Secrets
"I Saw the Light" Album Cover

"The Beyonce-approved "22-Day Revolution" vegan diet regimen was created by celeb trainer Marco Borges, and she's such a fan that she wrote the forward to his book.

Beyonce and Marco will also be launching a vegan meal delivery service together.


Said Beyonce:

Day One was truly amazing, I had lost 2.5 milligrams and I was so excited. Marco and me had immediate consultations on how we could use my achievement to exploit the Sheeple, especially those young ones who had not yet succumbed to anorexia from fixating on my Phhotoshop enhanced images. I had never felt so sexy!

Day Two was really mind-blowing when I had achieved a full gram. If you believe in yourself you can do anything! At this rate, I will soon dematerialise to the point where I will be absolutely identical to the weightless fantasy my fans have about me and from which I derive all my vast wealth.

I owe it all to my good friend and spiritual advisor Marco; and I would urge all my fans to take advantage of our new delivery service.

Please, please, please buy his book, our forthcoming diet videos and, of course, my records. My forthcoming album "I Saw the Light" is already in production.

I can already hear my fans in the audience call out; "God bless you Beyonce and Marco for helping me lose weight and find love at long last." It's been a struggle but it has been worth it. Peace and love to all. Now, I must rest.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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