Written by Auntie Matter

Wednesday, 6 May 2015


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image for How Modern Art was Born
Pablo's Sketch of Peggy.

Many high-falutin' theories have been put forward as to the origins of modern art with its smoke-and-mirrors baloney authenticated and promoted by the nefarious ruling class doctrine they call "Post Modernism" which goes "be as mad as you want for nobody is sane". You know what 'great' art is because it offends little old ladies. Damien Hirst and friends are among its most lucrative aficionados.

That said, you do no find any champions of this idiocy falling over themselves to acclaim the slaughtered cartoonists of Hebdo as the rightful successors of Rembrandt. Do You?

The truth however, is much more basic as the following 1939 diary transcript by wealthy American heiress Ms. Peggy Guggenheim of a conversation between herself and Pablo Picasso reveals.

Peggy Guggenheim was a very rich socialite with a penchant for collecting art who visited Europe frequently because that is where all the action was. Her appetite for sex was legendary.

It is no surprise therefore that in Paris she bumped into reigning Montmartre court jester and ego-maniac Pablo Picasso.

Peggy: I've heard so much about you Monsieur Picasso. Is it true you make love all night and paint all day?
Pablo: No I paint all night and make love all day. I like to work nights.
Peggy: But why?
Pablo: Because I am the greatest painter who has ever lived or ever will live; and so I must convince myself frequently that it is true by banging as many affordable hoes as I can get my paws on.
Peggy: I love you Pablito.'
Pablo: I love me too.
Peggy: I think I can help you.
Pablo: How?
Peggy: I can make you very rich. I am already rich but with your help I can be even richer. Think of the fun Pablo! Are you standing up or sitting down?
Pablo: You mean I can give up shagging trollops and visit really high-class hookers for the rest of my life? Like Matisse? He always gets the best.
Peggy: Yes, my darling.
Pablo: What do I have to do?
Peggy: Just sell me all of your paintings.
Pablo: Which ones?
Peggy: The crazy ones. I particularly like the ones with the eyes on either side of the head looking goofy. Reminds me of all the losers who work for my dad.
Pablo: You like those? I do not create, I find. I tell that to all my friends. You should see how impressed they are. Except Matisse, he hides all his stuff whenever I visit his studio. Stingy bastard could peel an orange in his pocket.
Peggy: Yes. In the states people think freedom is doing whatever you want, whenever you want, to whomever you want. So, your work speaks directly to the delinquency in the American spirit.
Pablo: Really? I was just taking the piss.
Peggy: But you were inspired, yes?
Pablo: Well, the eyes idea came from my old camera. It had a cracked lense and when I developed the photo... hey presto my model had her eyes all over the place.
Peggy: That is soooo coooool.
Pablo: Excuse moi?
Peggy: I don't care Pablo. Just do more of them. How about extra eyes, two noses, an ear on top of her head. The possibilities are endless.
Pablo: You mean the crazier I do my paintings the more they will like them?
Peggy: You got it, Pablo.
Pablo: Done.
Peggy: Can you churn out a dozen or so a week?
Pablo: No problem.
Peggy: One last request.
Pablo: Yes?
Peggy: Can you service me before my car gets here?
Picasso: How would you like it.
Peggy: Oh, just the usual.
Picasso: I am very inventive.
Peggy: Yes I know Pablo. Just the usual, I'll pay you extra.

And so "Modern Art" was born.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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