You can get Placebo Orgasm

Funny story written by Sarcastic Scoop

Sunday, 13 July 2014


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This is based on pure science, so put your skepticism aside for a moment while I try and explain how it works.

The initial study was conducted on placebo sleep. Once it was found to work, experts such as myself attempted to apply the method to other areas. Sex, and orgasm specifically, was deemed most problematical, causing serious lack in gratification. So we conducted a study on the writer of this article. The results were 100% positive. It works.

First, then, an explanation of the placebo effect and how it was applied to sleep.

There's a Placebo Effect For Sleep
by Eric Horowitz

"The placebo effect is known far and wide. Give somebody a sugar pill, tell them it's aspirin, and they'll feel better. What's less well-known is that there's evidence of the placebo effect in domains that go beyond the commonly known medical scenarios....

"Given that caffeine placebos can mitigate the effects of sleep deprivation, Christina Draganich and Kristi Erdal of Colorado College decided to take the logical next step and investigate whether the effects of sleep deprivation could be influenced by perceptions about sleep quality. In other words, could making people think their sleep quality was better or worse influence the cognitive effects of sleep?

"In an initial experiment participants were given brief lesson on the relationship between sleep quality and cognitive functioning, and told the normal proportion of REM sleep was between 20% and 25%. Participants were then hooked up to a machine and told it would measure their pulse, heart rate, and brain frequency, after which a program would use the data to calculate the amount of REM sleep they had had the night before. (Very few participants reported having suspicions about the machine.) Some participants were told they got 16.2% REM sleep (below average sleep quality) and some were told they got 28.7% REM sleep (above average sleep quality.)

"After being told what the machine said, participants self-reported their own perception of their sleep quality. Finally, participants were administered the "Paced Auditory Serial Addition Test" (PASAT), a cognitive exercised that required adding many numbers together.

"Draganich and Erdal found that participants who were told they had below average sleep quality performed significantly worse on the PASAT. At the same time, self-reported sleep quality was unrelated to PASAT performance. A follow-up experiment that included additional controls and three other cognitive tests largely confirmed the initial findings. In addition, the performance of participants on a verbal fluency test called the COWAT showed that not only does telling people they had below average sleep quality lead to inferior performance, telling them they had above average sleep can lead to superior performance."

After reading and digesting the contents of this study, I decided to apply the placebo effect to this other domain--sex. I experimented with my sexual partner--the one who's always complaining about never having experienced orgasm when having sex with me.

I made up a story that I'd been seeing a sex therapist. I said I hadn't informed her about it till I was sure of the result. I didn't want her to be disappointed if the treatment didn't work. The therapy did work, I told her. I could now guarantee orgasm to anyone willing to try it with me. In fact I was now so good even a mannequin would have an orgasm with me.

My partner put up a fight about why I didn't let her know I was undergoing treatment. Once I'd overcome that hurdle, she said she didn't believe I had the sexual prowess.

"How do you know the therapy works?" she said.

"Because I've proved it," I said. "I wasn't going to pay unless I had proven results."

"How did you prove it?"

"By getting the therapist to have an orgasm," I bragged.

"Your therapist is a woman! You had sex with the therapist! Why, you bastard!"

This took some work but I finally calmed her down. I told her to look on the bright side. Orgasm. Guaranteed each time.

We stripped. We leaped into bed. The bed groaned. The mattress springs boinged and doinged in protest. The floor nodded in acquiescence.

During our copulation she kept murmuring, "I'm having an orgasm." Her volume rose as she got more excited. At one point she was screaming so loudly the neighbors were getting aroused. And, guess what. She had her first ever orgasm with me.

I had an orgasm just listening to her orgasm. And the neighbors were climaxing and hitting the roof in vicarious orgasms. Placebo orgasms.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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