Beauty. Is it really only skin deep?

Funny story written by Jackson Hoff

Wednesday, 7 May 2014


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Hoff here.

The phrase goes "Beauty is only skin deep". Of course this came from of some whiny piss-ant guy who was bar-snubbed on a Saturday night by a drunk, hot-looking broad. It's always that way. It's always the guy who gets the cold shoulder. "Cold shoulder". That's a phrase your Grandpop used. It meant that someone wasn't going to get laid that night.

It is a whiny phrase... the Beauty-goes-skin-deep one, i mean. But it's basically true. Peel the skin back off anyone and what's underneath is universally pretty ugly stuff. Ok; there's some surgeons, EMTs, and psychopaths who might feel differently. But they're a different type of people. Especially the EMTs. Spooky.

Beauty does have it's shelf-life. But it's different from one person to another. Some lucky shits are just born gorgeous and stay that way (with a little help from time to time) until they are called to the beautiful beyond. Others are born average, spend their younger years gawky, uncoordinated and buck-toothed, finally blossoming into a fem fatale (i hate that stupid phrase; why did i even use it?). Like my Aunt Melinda. She was dynamite by the time i was old enough to notice, and i heard stories. And others are born ugly and unless they undergo major plastic surgery, carry the same cross until the end. Yeah. I was caught looking down Aunt Melinda's DD cleavage from up the balcony when i was 13, and my butt paid the price. But it was worth every strap-slap. She knew i was there; she was teasing me. I knew she knew it. But she was like that. Anyway, it was then i knew for sure that i wasn't gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

So. Where was i? Oh, right. It's just about here where i need to sadly acknowledge the fact that there are a huge amount of plain, and even less-than-plain, people who are infinitely more worthy of your attention and admiration. What these people lack in physical beauty they make up for in intelligence, compassion, thoughtfulness and a "great personality". I like the great-personality part. How many times have you heard that one. It's all true. Remember the Coasters' "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife..." before you decide to walk down the aisle with the prom queen.

What was i talking about. Oh yeah. "Beauty is only skin-deep". So who gives a shit. Physical beauty is overrated anyway. Consider this... The next time you see a hottie saunter by and you have the urge to embarrass yourself; consider whether pursuing her is worth the knuckle-sandwich her boyfriend, husband, lover, or pool-boy (or all of them) will deliver. My suggestion is: stick with your own kind. And if one of the "beautiful people" for some strange reason shows an interest, tell her that (name the current day) is your day off. But that she can call you tomorrow.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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