Ask a walrus, it never lies

Written by Wumf

Monday, 10 February 2014

image for Ask a walrus, it never lies
Interview subject

Question: That is quite a pair of tusks you have. What are they used for?

Answer: Ever heard of polar bears and killer whales?

Question: What do you like to do for fun?

Answer: Catch some rays on pack ice.

Question: How do you get around on the ice?

Answer: See these two 3 foot grappling hooks?

Question: How do you keep from getting cold in this freezing weather?

Answer: You're kidding, right?

Question: Nice whiskers you got there. What are they for?

Answer: They are extremely sensitive tactile instruments, like a cat's.

Question: So just how much do you weigh?

Answer: Between 1800 and 3700 pounds, depending on how much I ate the day before.

Question: What is your favorite song?

Answer: "I Am the Walrus" by the Beatles.

Question: Who is your favorite author?

Answer: Lewis Carroll. He wrote about walruses, you know.

Question: How would you describe yourself to our readers?

Answer: Rudyard Kipling said it best in his story, The Jungle Book:

I am an "old Sea Vitch-the big, ugly, bloated, pimpled, fat-necked, long-tusked walrus of the North Pacific, who has no manners except when he is asleep".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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