Supermarket Music Festivals, like Totally man

Written by Talking Tic-Tacs

Friday, 6 September 2013

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Mick Hucknall is rumoured to be playing The Co-Op Festival

The news of the cancellation of the supermarket chain Morrisons' inaugural music festival the other week was met with sadness. Excitement for the other forthcoming supermarket commissioned festivals however has only rocketed.

The Morrisons festival, 'MFEST', was to be held in Leeds. As well as offering up cookery workshops with celebrity chef Aldo Zilli and kids' art and craft stalls there was to be live music from acts including The Human League, Matt Cardle and Cher Lloyd. After the area was subjected to a light sprinkling of hardly any rain however, the event was cancelled.

Nonetheless rival supermarket and retail giant Tesco have responded by setting up their own festival. Gordon Ramsay is to host cookery workshops whilst regaling the audience with tales of fun times with best friend David Beckham. Dick and Dom will take to the stage during the day in a mass playgroup and Russell Howard will perform stand-up comedy. Gary Barlow, Snow Patrol and One Direction are the headline music acts.

Sainsburys' festival will see Jamie Oliver hosting his cook-alongs from the stage, complemented by excerpts from his latest political manifesto. Rufus Hound will be in the comedy tent while Laura Marling, James Blunt and Kaiser Chiefs are the headliners on the music stage.

Another supermarket marketing itself within the market is upmarket Waitrose. They plan to have Heston Blumenthal hosting cookery workshops with Christopher Hitchens offering political musings in the Default Cynicism Tent. Stewart Lee will take to the comedy stage and music shall be covered by Elvis Costello, the Cocteau Twins and Elbow.

Lidl's festival is to play cookery videos of Pseudo-Italian Gino Dacampo. While taking to the frighteningly-narrow-piece-of-wood-balanced-on-piles-of-tyres to perform a hilarious routine will be Lenny Henry. Lembit Opik will host a political seminar and will surely be looking on when his ex girlfriend, and one quarter of the half that is the Cheeky Girls, performs live miming. Blue and Basshunter will complete the headlining acts.

Lou Bega and Jonathan Wilkes are reportedly pleading with Poundland to set up their own festival.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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