Quentin Kelp MP - Weekend Concert

Funny story written by tjmstroud

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Dear constituents:

I have had a very hectic week.

But first I'd like to thank my constituent, Mr Arkwright, for emailing me to say that if you kick the car park ticket machines twice, you not only get a ticket but a full refund of your original 50p. Such is the value of this newsletter that I'm wondering if I should start charging for it to boost my re-election fund.

Today, being Saturday, I am attending an open air concert in Krupton in aid of funds for the youth club. Heaven knows what to expect as I imagine it's just a bunch of teenage hopefuls thrashing away on electric guitars trying to emulate Jimmy Hendrix. Not only that but the venue is a mud bath which is appropriate as I hear one group of fourteen year olds call themselves the Hippos.

But we must not put them off as most have impossible visions for their futures. Mine is coming to fruition of course, although it is a constant battle to fend off those with similar ambitions, albeit totally unrealistic ones. Sadly one has to see off a few casualties along the path towards leadership.

But on the subject of music, my Italian friend Milton Mancini (MP for Pipstock) and I are also starting a band to be called Pipsqueak because our first public performance will be in his Pipstock constituency where they run a summer music festival in a farmer's field. They call the festival simply "Pipstock". It is here that we thought we'd also launch Milton's own Fondis, his new Italian currency for when Italy drops out of the Eurozone.

Entry charges to "Pipstock" will be £20 which sounds expensive but you get 20 "free" Fondis to spend once inside the festival. The only place accepting Fondis is Milton's own marquee where he has set up a temporary travel agent business specialising in Italian tours to Naples and Sicily. Milton still has plenty of Mancini family left there who do a good B&B.

But let me explain my own musical interests as I may well be doing demonstrations at the Krupton concert. The instrument at which I am most proficient is the mouth organ which I both suck and blow with some gusto. My repertoire is a little limited at present but I have lent my son Hector my instrument to practice on to see if he can improve on my rendition of Pop goes the Weasel.

Hector did, of course want to know whether The Weasel was a pop group or some sort of boy band so I had to explain that it was nothing of the sort but the title of a popular song originating from East London that referred to the cost of living. This is, of course, why it is the only tune I can play as it gives me a good excuse to finish the piece quickly and resort to speaking about economics.

But Milton and I will be doing a duet at Pipstock. I will be playing 'Pop goes the Weasel' on my mouth organ whilst Milton will be playing a newly composed tune called 'Pop goes the Euro' on his newly painted red, white and green guitar.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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