"There you go Fred, get that down yer. So yeah, as I was sayin'. Damsel in distress so I got t' do what I can t' 'elp the lady out. So I goes trudgin' out onto me lawn with Spanza47b. She shows me where to stand so as t' be ready to give the stranded disc a push. Says she'll call out to me when she's ready.
So she climbs back in up this sort ov ladder fing, and 'baat thirty seconds or so later she's callin' out for me to start pushin'.
Tiny little push was all it took Fred. Engines coughed and spluttered a few times at first like, but then that fing it was humming like a bee it was. I stood aside a bit sharpish obviously 'cause I was expecting the saucer disc fingy to shoot off up and away suddenly like. Cuppla minutes go by and it's still sittin' there on me lawn.
'You alright in there?' I calls out. Out pops 'er 'orned 'ead from a sort of porthole. 'Yes' she says, 'all tickin' over nicely now, thanks to your assistance.'
'So you'll be off now I take it?' I asks.
'Fancy a ride, just as my way of saying thank you?' she calls back.
To tell you the truth Fred I was a bit hesitant. All them cows fand mutilated in fields 'n' that, and abductees who say they had medical experiments carried out on them when on those flying saucers. So I comes right out wiv it Fred. Oh yeah I tells 'er, I says, 'I don't want to find meself 'aving any long needles rammed up me nostrils by you aliens.'
'Not my department. That's done by Stanza46c's team.' she says.
I was curious of course, you know, to have a look rand inside. And she seemed nice enuff like, so I decided to accept 'er kind invitation, stepped up the ladder then went inside 'er space ship in me slippers.
Not much to see in there as it turned out. Bit sparse. Only the one seat from what I could see, and that was for the driver. I'm calling it a seat, but it was more like a bicycle saddle stuck on the end of a pole coming up from the floor. Must get a bit uncomfortable on a long journey I finks. Matter of fact Fred, to be perfectly 'onest wiv yer, floor could 'ave dun wiv a bit ov a sweep like, fick layer of dust ev'rywhere so there was. Not even a doormat for me t' scrape the garden mud off me slippers. Said to 'er I did, I says, 'Don't you aliens believe in using brooms then?' Sarcastic question like. Just sweetly smiled at me she did. Lazy caah.
'So when to?' she asks.
'I fink you mean where to?' I said, tryin' to put 'er right on 'er use of the English language like.
'Both' she says. 'Both when, and where to?'
'When?' I says, 'Just as soon as you're ready sweetheart.' says I.
"I'm asking 'when to' she says, 'ten thousand years ago, last year, last week or when?' Well, I cottoned on straight away of course. I was in a bleedin' time machine so I was. That's what she'd meant by 'when'. Couldn't believe me ears I couldn't.
Funny fing is, when it's sprung on you like that, y'know, being suddenly asked where in time you'd like to pay a visit, well it's not easy to decide Fred. Did I want to see dinosaurs? Not particularly. Did I want to go back in time to meet Abraham Lincoln, or Churchill? Not bovvered mate. Could 'ave gone back to see my Sheila again I s'pose, but she'd 'ave only been busy tendin' to 'er bleedin' rose bush. Scratched me 'ead for a few seconds then I just said, off the top of me 'ead like, Miami beach, fourth of June, two o'clock in the afternoon, nineteen sixty. Be nice to take a little look arand there like. No idea what made me say nineteen sixty, but you've gotta say somefin' aintcha Fred. Can't take all night abaat it like.
'Right' says Stanza47b, 'I'll just tap those instructions into this computer and then we'll be on our way'.
Fast? I'll say it was f****n' fast. Ex-cuse language again mate. Tap-tippy-tap-tap goes her fingers on 'er keyboard. Then, after she's pressed a button she turns rand t' me and says, 'Arrived'.
'You're 'avin a larf wiv me' I says.
'Look outside that window there' she points with her 'orns. So I turns me 'ead to where she's pointed them and see this small window.
'Take a look outside' she says. So I did.
Sand, rolling waves of the ocean. Looked hot out there as well Fred.
'I'll open the door so you can go outside. Go take a stroll along the beach or do a bit of sunbathing for a while' she says.
'There's a man on the beach' I says, 'He looked in this direction then just carried on walkin' along like 'e 'adn't seen this flying saucer at all.'
'I've put the ship into invisible mode' she says. 'So be very careful not to step outside when there's people looking in this direction because they'll be seeing you appear out of thin air, and it could frighten them like'. Yeah, she used that word 'like' as well Fred, like I sometimes do in conversation like. Funny that was.
So Spanza47b gets the door to slide open and I take a quick butchers arand just to make sure it's okay to step out like. Lucky I 'ad me slippers on as it 'appens 'cause the Miami sand can be very 'ot on the feet Fred, very 'ot indeed.
Felt I ought to ask whether Spanza47b would care to join me for a stroll, she'd been kind enuff to take me there after all. Said she 'ad to tinker abaat with her terminals so I didn't bovver tryin' t' talk 'er rand like. Would 'ave done so if she'd 'ad a bikini wiv 'er of course Fred.
So anyways, after steppin' dan onto the sand from the flying saucer I takes me jacket off and throws it back in like 'cause it's far too 'ot t' be wearin' a jacket there Fred. Took me 'anky out from a pocket first though. Gotta be careful wiv me 'ead see. Burns easily does me 'ead so it does. Tied a knot in each corner like then stuck the 'anky on me 'ead t' keep the sun off it. Works a treat ev'ry time so it does.
Nice blue sky like, so I'd picked a good time for me little 'oliday so to speak, and so I decided to walk dan to get a bit closer to the sea. Took me slippers 'n' socks off to 'ave a bit ov a paddle like, just 'olding 'em in me 'ands. Rolled me trousers up to me knees first of course. Yeah, it made a pleasant enuff change Fred. Didn't 'ave any dollars on me of course, just a few pound coins in me trouser pockets. Could 'ardly use them to buy a lemonade, so I just took a stroll along the beach 'aving a little paddle like.
I s'pose I'd been walkin' along there paddling for 'baat ten minutes or so when I sees 'er. Marilyn Monroe. I'm sure it was 'er Fred. Out to her waist in the water she was, just splashing about like. All on 'er todd.
So I calls out to Marilyn. 'Hey Marilyn' I calls. She didn't 'ear me first time, noise of the surf like, so I called out again, 'Hey, Marilyn darling,' I says, 'nice weather we're 'aving today innit.' Turns rand to face me she did. I didn't want to intrude on 'er privacy like, just say hello to the lady. No pen or paper on me to ask for her autograph like, not that I collect that sort of fing.
'Who are you?' she asks, 'What do you want? What's that on your head?' She was obviously keen to strike up a conversation like, but like I say, I'd just wanted to say 'allo to the beautiful lady. So I just called back to 'er,
'Take a bit of friendly advice from one who knows what's best for you sweet'eart. Stay away from those Kennedy brothers, and don't go sticking any barbiturates up your bum. It's not worth it luv.'
Gave me a bit ov a weird look she did. Could 'ave been because of the 'andkerchief on me 'ead I s'pose. Fink it might 'ave scared 'er a bit. Surf was makin' a noise like, but I fink she called back somefin' 'baat calling the cops. So I didn't fink it wise to 'ang abaat there, time to start makin' we way back to the flying saucer anyway. A very pretty lookin' lady though Fred. Didn't like to leave Spanza47b by 'erself for too long anyway.
(to be continued...)