Goaltending Scouting Report: Jabba the Hutt

Funny story written by boweratbat

Saturday, 21 January 2012

My intergalactic search to identify a suitable starting goaltender has taken me to the far-off desert planet of Tatoonie. I have observed someone/something who I believe we should consider offering a long-term contract: a Hutt crime lord known as Jabba.

Pros: Jabba the Hutt has several natural advantages-especially physically-that I believe would allow him to become an exemplary netminder. His 1,700-pound blimp-like frame would prevent cannon-fire from entering a mountain tunnel, let alone a puck from entering a net. His complete lack of lateral movement is negligible, considering size. Rebound control and shot recovery also exceed standard, since body structure is that of a gluttonous blob which tends to "gobble" pucks, rather than deflect them. In short: plop something the size of a baby sperm whale in front of a four-foot high, six-foot wide net, and rely on simple physics.

Cons: When not tending goal, Jabba the Hutt is a ruthless gangster and intergalactic fugitive; signing him may spur a public relations nightmare. Furthermore, his insatiable appetite for slave girls and/or cheerleaders may eventually lead to a league investigation possibly resulting in hefty fines, extended suspensions, and first-degree murder charges. He also insists on keeping a rancor monster in the penalty box, which means a simple two-minute minor will inevitably lead to a prolonged play-stoppage to scrub bloody guts from the ice. Lastly, his sexual aggression toward Zamboni machines is…well…it would not permit the kind of kid-friendly intermission the league encourages. He also leaves a trail of green slime wherever he goes.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more