Riots: An Analysis

Funny story written by MonkeyInTheBath

Thursday, 11 August 2011

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Following the recent riots in London and across England, armchair experts have been spouting explanations and theories like flames from a burning building. So here, we gather the opinions of some real analysts to bring some sanity to the debate.

Reverend Spongebob McTavish said, "They say everyone has a talent for something, and clearly these lads are great at smashing things up. Maybe someone in the demolition industry could give them a job. There's a few buildings in London that need destroying right now - actually because of the riots. It would be good for their self-discipline if these thugs can learn to finish off the job they started."

Anarcho-socialist Gino Laws agreed that breaking things was the way forward, but said that the riots had happened because of recent government cuts. "If the government weren't about to cut the budgets for community facilities, then these young people would be able to look forward to having new playgrounds to smash up instead."

Ben E. Fit, a communist, thought the riots stemmed from inequality. "The problem is that these people don't have iPods and other accessories which many of us take for granted. The solution would be to take away everyone else's iPod so that the rioters didn't feel so excluded. And we all have to promise not to buy one, ever." However, it was then pointed out that most of the rioters had arranged to meet using their Blackberries, and they're much better than iPods.

Bitter ex-London mayor "Red" Ken Livingstone said that it was all Boris Johnson's fault for going on holiday.

Finally, Nelson Mandelson, a representative of the League Against Racial Discrimination (LARD), actually praised the rioters. "Although I don't condone their actions, it was pleasing to see Britain's first truly multi-racial riots. There's something really heartwarming about seeing white chavs and black chavs standing side by side, living in the melting pot and smashing windows together in harmony."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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