Written by Les Being

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

image for Britain's fastest broadband 100MB out now
Our state of the art Broadband computer

Yes, it's almost true. I have decided to start my own broadband service. I'm going to call it "Pie in the sky broadband Ltd".

By using the same artistic licence as used by other providers I can claim to offer headline speeds of up to 100MB. As long as I put a couple of ** after anything I make up and stick a disclaimer at the bottom of the page in writing so small that it could be classed as a new form of sub atomic particle, I can pretty much say anything I like.

When I say up to 100MB that actually means you will be lucky if you get around 4MB. Providing it is physically possible to get my headline speed I am acting within the law. In order to achieve the top speed you will have to live no more than three inches from your local exchange.

So, if you are lucky enough to live in a tent in the exchange car park and the cable to your computer is made of gold wire wrapped in yak wool that has been hand woven by Tibetan monks, you're in.

I am also allowed to reinterpret the English language. When I went to school the word "Unlimited" meant, without limits. However, I can say that unlimited is anything I want it to be. Really, you just can't lose. Well you can but I can't.

My version of the word unlimited will mean 1MB a day. Don't blame me, that's the law. Remember, if I don't rip you off, someone else will.

So join me now. It's only £5 for the first month. After that it will be £100 per month. This includes broadband and unlimited evening and weekend calls. This offer is subject to my "fair use policy", no more than two local calls per day. By local I mean the person living next door.

Please note. These speeds may vary at peak times. As the world has 24 time zones it's always peak time somewhere so don't blame me if you never get the speed you imagine I said you would get.

Full terms and conditions are printed on the full stop at the end of this sentence.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: bullshit, Broadband

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