Captain James Cook's travels were a waste of time

Funny story written by dingham

Thursday, 26 May 2011

image for Captain James Cook's travels were a waste of time
Black pudding fo't thee

It seems that famous exploring Yorkshireman Captain James Cook could have saved himself 11 years of wasted time if he had taken a different direction.

Revelations have aspired from the finding of Captain Cooks personal diary and some of his crews writings were found in the garden of a semi -detached bungalow in Marton, Middlesbrough.

It turns out that the writings could reshape the achievements, lifestyle and death of the worlds most noted discoverer.

Resident Bernard Atkinson who found the diaries in his garden allotment, said "Ee, by gum! I were just digging up me turnips 'n I discovered t'texts, thought they were me ol' lost pension books!"

It's the findings from these texts that are the most surprising results. Snippets proved that he was a lover of his local food and that his favourite cuisine was black pudding. The most remarkable finding was that in 1768 he had actually stepped out to get some black pudding and got lost.

The next thing he knew he was tackling the elements around the Cape of good hope!

Diary entries proved that by 1772 he was pretty frustrated with the current state of affairs, reading "By 'eck, I've bluudy found nowt fo't owt 'round these parts and I'm sick to death of this boat!".

It seems he attempted another 2 more attempts at finding a decent bit of black pudding and by 1778 he had landed in the Northern Pacific island known to us as Hawaii.
On his arrival his diary says he asked the Hawaiian tribes Chief "For the love of pudding, would thou hast a sliver of juicy black pud, fo't thee?, I'm at me wits end pet!"

The texts say he left empty handed from the islands and headed south, to discover some much loved black pudding on an island in the Southern Pacific Archipelago.

Excited by his find, he sailed back to Hawaii to present the chief and tribesmen the much coveted food as a peace gesture, saying "See all, 'ear all, say nowt. Eat all, sup all,pay nowt, thissen black pud fo't thee, Ee, by gum!"

All accounts of the crews texts of what followed next were exactly the same, saying..

"All Hawaiians present, 300 in all, did take a large mouthful of black pudding each, they expressed their instant disgust and did spit the remnants out, and they then all picked up the nearest rock and did bludgeoned Captain James Cook to his imminent death, saying that his last words were 'shhhhhiite!,.."

Along with the texts were several maps showing James Cooks starting point of his travels and in unfortunate fashion it does actually prove a butcher was only 3 miles the other way. if he had taken a left rather than a right he would have saved 11 years of wasted time and his life!

I suppose the moral of the story is never offer black pudding to a stranger.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more