"Doomed" "Panic" say UK Nuclear Physicists

Funny story written by Dirk Scare-Monger

Thursday, 24 March 2011

I'm here at the physics department of the Walmington-on-sea university of applied technology and mobile library to get a professional assessment of the state of the nuclear reactors in Fukushima.

I asked Prof George Mainwaring, head of the atomic energy research section of the library what his thoughts were on the condition of the Fukushima Dai- ichi power plant.

Before Prof Mainwaring could begin, an undergraduate named Pike started sniggering at "Fuk" and "ichi" to which Prof Mainwaring gave him a withering look , declaring him, and I quote a "stupid boy".

Is this the sort of demeaning comment we should expect from an educator in this day and age?

Prof Mainwaring continued "Radiation comes in lots of different types. Take for example this piece of Uranium."


"Thank you Prof Jones" said Prof Mainwaring, regaining control of the situation.

He continued "Now where was I. Oh yes. Take this lump of Uranium. Now the radiation from this stuff is very nasty. It can cause lots of physical damage to you with only a small amount of exposure. What is it Wilson!" Prof Wilson had been trying to attract Prof Mainwarings' attention for several moments.

"Do you think it's wise to be waving that thing around professor? Your face is bright red and your gums are bleeding."

"Good point Wilson. I was wondering when you would spot that" replied Mainwaring.

"Now the core of reactor number one is made from this material so if it were to melt down and the pressure vessel explode then"

"WE'RE ALL DOOMED!" shouts Prof Frazer from the back of the van followed by shrill cries of "DON'T PANIC!! DON'T PANIC!!" from Prof Jones.

The commotion wakes up Prof Godfrey who mumbles something about Sissys iodine tablets and nods off again; a damp patch spreading around his crotch area.

So are we DOOMED?

Should we PANIC?

Was Prof Mainwarings derogatory comment about his student acceptable?

Have your say on 1800 sod off.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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