Written by Inhopeless

Sunday, 13 February 2011

Hey!

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Oh dear. You're that desperate? Really? Okay well, Inhopeless Human Solutions (TM) has all the tips on how to score a date.

We got to think of this like... buying things. If there's too much of a thing, then its easy to get one. And vice versa. It's the same with finding a date. The sooner the better.

So, firstly, get a date. If you are a woman seeking man, or man seeking man, change the pronouns and some phrases to male ones.

1) Find a date. She doesn't have to be Helen of Troy. Remember looks are not everything. But if you want an ONS (one-night stand) you're looking in the wrong place.

2) Organise the date. This is where we here go wrong. We would give you tips, but we errr... forget it.

3) Compliment her, flowers, the works. Get expensive ones. Money makes the world - and love go around.

4) Do lovey-dovey stuff. Can't say anything more.

5) (optional) Get lucky.

Thank you for using this guide. If it works, mail us back, because seriously, we have no clue how to write this.

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Inhopeless Corporation is not responsible for:

- Lack of date
- Lack of sex
- Lack of love
- Kids
- Marriage
- A nice house
- Family
- Stable relationship
Oh who are we kidding?! If you get the bottom few, holy fucking shit.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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