The entertainment train wreck known as The CW will attempt to end its stranglehold on sh-tty sitcoms and 84th place in the ratings by revisiting the "photocopied from the headlines" format of the longest-run mediocre crime drama in history --Law & Order-- to knock off fellow discount-network Fox's decade long dominance of the Nielsen ratings.
This is an ambitious move for The CW, the cobbled-together remains of CBS' clearance rack UPN, and Time Warner's perennial tax write-off The WB, in September, 2006.
The Can't Watch Television Network shortened its name to "The CW" in 2009.
The responsibility to select programming falls to Harry Huevos, head of programming at UPN since 1995. "Let's not forget that I green-lighted 'Veronica Mars' and 'Britney & Kevin: Chaotic'," said Huevos.
"Those two shows alone should forgive me for airing All of Us, Guys Like Us, Hitz, Homeboys in Outer Space, Love, Inc., Jake 2.0, Kevin Hill, Live Shot, Legacy, Legend, Level 9, The Love Boat: The Next Wave, Marker, Mercy Point, Nowhere Man, Platinum, Secret Agent Man, Sex, Love & Secrets, South Beach, Special Unit 2, Swift Justice, The Watcher, Three, University Hospital, Game Over, Sonic Underground, America's Greatest Pets, Amish in the City, Chains of Love, The Mullets, Pig Sty, Platypus Man, Rock Me Baby, Second Time Around, The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer, Shasta McNasty, All Souls, The Beat, The Burning Zone, Malcolm & Eddie, Moesha, Deadly Games, As If, The Bad Girl's Guide, Breaker High, Clyde Brown, Cuts, DiResta, Eve, Good News, Grown Ups, Haunted, I Dare You: The Ultimate Challenge, Manhunt, Under One Roof and the XFL."
The network has gone through a number of permutations and marketing campaigns in an attempt to win viewership. Inexplicably, the "Free to Be The CW" and "CW: Get Into It" campaigns featured The WB's famous mascot, Michigan J. Frog, swinging from a bathrobe belt thrown over a shower curtain rod.
In 2009, the CW rebranded with "CW: What The Christ Am I Watching?" with little success.
The network also holds the distinction of having the only national TV show, 2005's "The Senator Dick Luger / Carrot Top Comedy Hour" to draw less than 20 viewers nationwide.
"Who knew that an effeminate, muscular, curly-headed ginger freak with tattooed-on eye makeup wouldn't be funny?" said Huevos. "And Carrot Top was even worse!"
The as-yet unnamed crime drama is guaranteed to have at least two of the following: A plotline eerily similar to some incident that racked up national headlines for a day or two; shameless "For Your Emmy Consideration" celebrity guest-stars playing against type. (Think Gwyneth Paltrow as a serial killer or Misha Barton as a sane, lucid young woman.); and/or a ham-fisted lead actor embarrassingly delivering twice-warmed-over, David Caruso-like one-liners.
Penning these episodes should be easier than convincing Oprah to eat a layercake in one sitting: As far as Law & Order was concerned, the episodes were so predictable that screenwriting software came preloaded with them in autotext.
EXTERIOR: DAY
FADE IN ON: A three-piece-suited man is walking through Central Park. holding the hand of his 9=year-old daughter. The banter between the two indicates that they are enjoying each other's company.
DAD: C'mon, honey. We have to meet Mommy.
DAUGHTER: But, Daddy, I want to play on the swing set over there.
(DAD stares at the DAUGHTER, smirking, playfully analyzing the conflict between meeting his wife on time and giving the girl a few more minutes to play.)
DAD: Ok, sweetie, but you owe me one!
DAUGHTER: Yay! Thanks, Daddy.
(DAUGHTER runs toward the swing set, happily. Suddenly, she stops and stares down into shrubbery just left of her path.
DAUGHTER: Hey, mister, are you OK? Mister?
(CUT to DAD, watching from about 15' away. The smile on his face begins to melt as his concern for whomever DAUGHTER is talking increases. He begins toward her.)
DAD: Honey, who are you talking to?
DAUGHTER: This man. I think he is sleeping.
(DAD crosses to DAUGHTER. CUT to body in the shrubs, the area around his head haloed in blood, clearly dead.)
(DAD sees this, recoils in horror, then snatches DAUGHTER away, covering her eyes.)
DAD: Honey, don't look. (shouting) HELP! HELP, POLICE!!
JUMP CUT TO---
EXTERIOR: DAY: The same scene is now bustling with activity. A perimeter has been set up around the crime scene, with gawkers trying to peek over cops' shoulders. The LEAD DETECTIVE and JUNIOR DETECTIVE approach the MEDICAL EXAMINER (M.E.), who is swabbing some junk off of the corpse.
LEAD: What do we got?
M.E. Meet James Sharpe. Little girl and her dad found him this morning.
JUNIOR: Was it a robbery?
M.E.: The $250 in his wallet tells me 'no'.
LEAD: Do you know what killed him?
M.E.: Look here (pointing). Ligature marks around the neck. There's obvious compression of the carotid artery and jugular vein, signs of cerebral ischemia. There's also significant compression of the larynx and trachea, a broken hyoid, petechial hemorrhaging…
JUNIOR: So he was…
M.E.: …Yup. Poisoned.
JUNIOR: What's that in his right hand?
M.E.: It's a lunch menu for a restaurant in Brooklyn.
LEAD: Looks like he's out to lunch. Permanently.
(Horatio rips off his sunglasses, pauses an uncomfortable 3 beats, then)
THEME SONG: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Wait, wrong show. Disregard.)
FADE OUT: OPENING CREDITS.
"We are somewhat embarrassed that we have to reconstitute the 'Law and Order' formula," Said UPNwbCW President Dick Hertz, who will be fired before this story is published. "But ratings are ratings, and if I see one more commercial for auto mechanic schools, personal injury lawyers or penis-lengthening pills on my network, I am going to scream!".
