Sir
I've just been watching Cheryl Cole singing 'live' on the telly at a summer gig. What a rip off. She only did the talking bits and even then the backing singers were the real stars. Truth is, she can't sing for shit. I have also heard that she intends to keep the 'Cole' name, despite impending divorce proceedings from Ashley. So where does that leave Ashley if in future he wants to marry a pole dancer or a hairdresser also named Cheryl? The world can only take a limited amount of Cheryl Coles.
F Lampard, Chelsea.
Sir
I've heard some really tasty rumours from the England World Cup camp. They're on offer right now for £450k if you want the exclusive rights. No wonder they couldn't play together as a team. I mean, bloody hell! What's all that about? Shocking. Outrageous. Scandalous. And if that fucking Skoob jumps the gun on me, I'll send the Camorra round to sort him out good and proper.
F Capello, Hebrides.
Sir
I do not speak English fluently, but I must say that the 'goal' by Frank Lampard, which was disallowed, was no more than England deserved. I sing for Germany in the game, because the English are arrogant and full of shit. Is not the first time the arrogant English have been punished by God.
D Maradona, Capetown.
Sir
I'd just like to point out that there are other things going on in the world, besides the World Cup. For instance, my neighbour found his wife in bed with a meter reader today and there was hell to pay on our estate. My neighbour was taken into custody for setting fire to his house and all the neighbourhood kids turned out to stone the fire brigade when they came to put the fire out. World Cup my arse!
F Gallagher, Manchester.
Sir
I'd like to nominate my next door neighbours for some kind of award. They're a charming and industrious family who make a living dealing drugs and running a prostitution business from home. They often play loud music at ear-splitting volume all night, have a steady stream of punters - usually drunk - banging on their door and swearing loudly outside. They breed dangerous dogs and have poured petrol through a neighbour's letterbox, but all in fun and good spirits. Today I found two of them trying to bury some dead bloke in my back garden. When I confronted them they gave me an ultimatum. Which is why I'd like to nominate them for some kind of award. They informed me that if I refused, the consequences would be dire.
Howard Wimp, Colchester.
Sir,
I reckon we'd have been better served by building a big amphitheatre like the Colosseum in Rome rather than the new Wembley. After all, we're crap at footy, so when we get dumped out of World Cups, European Championships and all that, we'll at least be able to satiate our collective bloodlust by seeing people slaughtering each other, or being mauled by lions. It may not be humane, but it will make a lot of us feel better.
P Sutcliffe, Broadmoor.
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