'Jim Brown's Schooldays' by John Browne

Funny story written by matwil

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

'James Brown was feeling good - he had known that he would, like the sugar and spice that his mother had kindly sent him in his POW parcel from distant Bedfordshire, how he wished he could escape from this concentration camp for schoolboys in Berkshire - Blackfriars Stalag Luft VII College for Unwanted Second Sons.

'Oh well', he thought, 'at least I have the soccer match against the Eton Rifles this afternoon to look forward to, what a jolly spiffing game that will be, what, what, what!'

And then his roommate Prince Billy came into the room. 'I say', he said to Jim, 'dashed bad news!' 'What?', Jim asked the heir to the throne of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland. 'Bahloody English lesson's been put on for this morning. English! How I hate that bahloody subject ...', and the Prince flopped down onto his bed and began sulking about it.

'When?' 'Eleven, which means we only get two hours for our servants to dress us in our footer strips and arrange for The Daily Mail's photographers to coincidentally arrive just as - ' 'I don't have any servants', Jim muttered, wondering why the Royals kept producing such frightful oiks as Prince Billy, 'but if it's English then it's English', he added in English, and soon the pair were in the classroom trying to pay attention to Mr. Griswald's long and lengthy disposition about T.S. Hardy's classic classic 'Tess of the Inadequables'.'

'Now', the teacher said, though like most teachers he couldn't teach anything except nothing at all, 'please write a quick essay about the Napoleonic Wars. Which were fought between the British and the French about something or other, and then in 1815 they ended, of course, as the British had won them.'

'Pay attention at the back!', he suddenly shouted at the Honourable Sir Henry McLachrimmie, and soon all the pupils were busy scribbling on their desks though one - William Liam - was actually attempting to write about the Napoleonic Wars.

'Why don't we copy William's essay?', the Prince whispered to Jim, and soon the pair were using their fountain pens to write about Algeciras and Corsica and Cadiz and Egypt, but carefully changing the words about to fool Mr. Griswald.

'Won't the teach notice we've copied Liam's essay?', Jim asked the Prince, but 'Nah' came the reply, 'and even if he does, so what? My Dad owns this school and won't allow us to get punished for it!', and so the pair carried on writing, and as William Liam was top of the class and the school at English he wasn't bothered that the two inadequates were lifting his ideas and pretending they were their own ones.

For he knew that writers simply write - books, articles, journalism, plays and even scripts - whereas people that can't write become editors, and some of them try and pretend that they can write to try and impress other editors. And as the bell rang to mark the end of the class James Brown and Prince Billy were the first to hand in their essays to Mr. Griswald before leaving to go and get ready for their football match with Eton.

'We'll never grow up, will we?', laughed Jim to the Royal, and 'I hope not!', answered the Prince, and soon the two were seen walking hand in hand towards Stealers' Pavillion where the Prince's servants were waiting for them.

At the Pavillion some of the younger boys were playing with some articles and one threw an article towards the Prince by mistake. And despite it being against the rules, the Prince caught the article and ran all the way to the goalmouth and threw it into the net, shouting 'Goal!', but the smaller boys protested bitterly and called him a cheat.

'I'm not a cheat', the Prince answered them back, 'and if you say that again one more time I'll have your head cut orf!', for in fact he was the School Bully and only existed in this tale to make all the other children in it seem likeable.

And that was how the game of Blackfriars Football was invented.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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