Missing Letterland

Written by Rob Barratt

Sunday, 14 February 2010


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Missing Letterland by Rob Barratt

I just heard it on the local grapevine
That each and every supermarket sign
Last night, for no apparent reason
Other than it being the silly season
Lost its first letter. I don't know why
I've got an honest face. Now would I lie?

And now each item and member of staff
Which begins with that letter (now this really sounds daft)
Must drop the beginning of their very own name
And be re-pronounced (Yes I know it's a pain)
But they've been thus instructed by the police
So they have to comply or risk breaching the peace

Down at 'orrisons there are 'altesers and 'ild 'ustard
The 'anager, 'ike, recommends 'ince pies with custard
His female colleague, 'andy prefers a nice 'ulled wine
Or 'armite and 'armalade on which to dine
But they are "M"-less, can't you see?
And in dire need of "M"-pathy

In 'esco, there's good reason to gripe
They've got 'reacle, 'omatoes, 'angerines and 'ripe
'revor the 'rolley boy would dearly wish you
Bought some 'oilet 'issue, or 'iramisu
You can buy these items in-store or online
But will someone please return the "T" to the sign?

The 'o-op has 'hristmas 'ards and 'ans of 'oke
'hicken breasts and 'elery, it's no joke
They sell 'arrots, 'ucumber and 'heese and onion 'risps
To pop into the succulent 'o-op own brand dips
'athy at the 'heck-out says they need the "C"
For the store to get back to normality
I hear the "C" also fell into the gutter
At their nearby rivals - 'ost 'utter

The 'SDA name sounds odd. Was it an act of God
That made the "A" sway in the wind and descind (verbatim)
To the floor of the afore…mentioned store?
With strained smiles, customers hunt the 'isles
For 'pples, 'pricots, and 'dvocat
The public think it's gone too far
It's a hopeless case but with this they are faced
Until the missing "A" is finally replaced

In the local 'par they're open eight till late
But without the "S" it's not so great
'ausages, and 'trawberry jam
'wiss rolls, 'alads, 'ardines and 'pam
On the 'helves you'll find vegetable 'tock cubes
'nickers, 'weets, 'oap and 'martie tubes

In 'ainsbury's there is 'ugar, of course
'having foam, 'alami and 'oy 'auce
But the first letter is a sadly missed resource
And the cause of much heartfelt remorse
No one's feeling very merry
Because yes, the "S" is nec-ess-ary

Maybe the letters have absconded
Met together and meaningfully bonded
To find happiness, as C, T, M, A and S
Are possibilities but would they have the facilities
Of a better known shop where the letter doesn't drop?

Of which are you fondest, Aldi or Londis?
And what would we do
If we lost the middle ….. of Lidl?
But it'll ………….
Probably never happen

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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