Once home of the glorious, filthy, debauched wild-wild-west (Will Smith often bonked there!) Bordello Falls had now deteriorated into a windy, bone dry, dust bowl called a "Ghost town" not even Hyenas and Dingos would enter (difficult actually as they reside in Africa and Australia, never mind, you know what I mean!) even vultures, scorpions and rattlers would make a wide berth avoiding Bordello.
Now the reason for this degeneration of wonderful Bordello Falls is a long, historical process which, started 150 years ago as the drunken, no-good, side-winding Sheriff, El Skoobio hit the dust after falling over a line of empty whisky bottles, cracked his head, and never rose to tell the tale, RIP!
The Chinese also left years later, following the unused railroad tracks after committing incestual acts amongst themselves.
The town had become infested with tiny WAN-KIN-DIK'S (after his sad divorce with bordell owner Madame Bitter's he went on a GANG-BANG-BONK shagging every Chink women in town, leaving loads of "tres petit" WAN-KIN-DIKS running all over town and man were they ugly!) the railroad closed Bordello Falls station so they either died of the pox or wandered out into the desert trying to find their dad, sad!
Other inhabitants including the Pissgum twins, died of excessive alcohol abuse, gonorrhea, shootings and sado-M sex games.
Couple of regular visitors to B.Falls worth a mention, a hairy bum called Hutchins.M, his buddy Carradine.D alias Kung Fu Bill and Madame B. giving the whip and handcuffs, OOOAAAHHH, Yippee!
Bordello Falls never recovered from these degenerate ordeals, the place was left to the rats and 2 unwanted children given birth to by Madame B, twins actually.
Her final scream pearced the dusty streets as the ugly, horrendous, scarred new-borns exited her worn-out, leathery pussy, dropped to the ground and screamed, MOTHER, YOU SON OF A BITCH AND WHORE WE WILL AVENGE YOU!
At the time coyotes still scavenged Bordello Falls for scraps of flesh, human or otherwise. They found and sniffed the new born, totally disfigured babies, a boy and a girl, decided they were too ugly to eat and dragged them back to their desert night club, called the Yowling Demonics?
There the "THINGS" spent their early years sucking on the tits of female coyotes, eating scorpions, stinking left over maggot ridden meat from passing bufallos, camels (what?) and deranged Chinese DIK-HEADS lost in the desert!
It came to pass that the "THINGS" grew up, AAAGGH! entered pubity and started copulating with the coyotes and themselves, which resulted in the next generation of incestual "THINGS" being born.
As for the coyote's as soon as the "THINGS" grew strong enough thay attacked em and devoured them (no gratitude these days!), leaving only the females for milking their scarred, disgusting offspring.
Time passed and the offspring of the "THINGS" (now dead through incest and over anal bonking resulting in HIV and playing banjo's didn't help either) ventured away from the coyote nest, searching for meat DEAD or ALIVE ( no shortage of western clichés here!) and one of them (male) stumbled into the once so vibrant centre of western SODOM & GOMORRAH, Bordello Falls!
Now in the interim some Canadian Lumberjacks had wandered well off of their chopping tracks and discovered Bordello Falls. After realising that the town was a dry, Eery Ghost Town and they couldn't even get pissed there, they followed the blown over, dusty railroad tracks Northwards, but one of them, Victor Nikolasjev forgot his "CHAINSAW"!!
The "THING" stumbled into town knowing somehow that Bordello Falls had meant something to him without actually knowing what it actually was actually.
He entered the ex-Bordell called Bitters Sweet and smelt the sweet ghost of his great, great, Granny, Madame Bitters, (dried pussy odours tend to linger for years and years especially if not washed!) and there lay the "CHAINSAW" on the ground (GET IT BY NOW?).
The "Bordello Falls Chainsaw Massacre" was born and brother did he have fun with it, perverse bastard!
To CUT a long story short a group of young, non-virgin college girls + one still a virgin boy in their Daddie's cadillac passed by (what a coincidence!) run out of gasoline and were forced to stop for the night, CREEPY!
The "THING" by now was getting kinda hungry, sex and starved! Now never ever setting eyes upon such beautiful creatures before and his "CHAINSAW" in his hand (he had learnt how to start the fucking thing because he read the instructions printed on the manual left coincidently behind by the parched logger VCN, it was a Husquarva by the way), well the rest is very bloody history!
First the non-virgin girls, SCREEEEAM, AAAAGH, sex, more sex, chopping up time and then dinner (I'll spare you the gory details, hands, knees and boomps a daisy!)
Then the still-virgin boy, handcuffed to the ancient bed of Madame B awaiting his turn!!!
By this time a search party was searching (that's what they do U know) for the missing teenies, following the last signals from their mobile phones they located the missing car on the outskirts of Bordello Falls.
Headed by officer Miguel Del Skoobio (indirect descendant of our fab piss artist Sheriff El Skoobio the first), Antonio Banderas lookalike and just as frisky.
Miguel smelt a dead herring and three lovely senoritas, their blood coagulating on the washing lines of an old Chinese Laundry, he and his fellow Officinias rapidly entered the Bordell, Bitters Sweet and on hearing the chainsaw sawing, rushed upstairs:
Only to find the virgin boy still a virgin and the "Chainsaw Massacre of Bordello Falls" on his knees weeping!
The boy, Pepe Prettyboy Bitters (what a fucking coincidence) was the great, great, grandchild of Madame Bitters and her WAN-KIN-DIK (the "THING" recognised him because of his slightly slit eyes and Bitter features also he smelt his own blood after sawing off his left ear, that's another film BTW!)
Miguel Del Skoobio grabbed the chainsaw, fell over an empty whisky bottle cutting off his right thumb on the way, handcuffed the "THING" released Pepe and they all lived happily ever after. (The "THING JUNIOR" in a San Quentin dungeon by the way and now he's a born again Christian and Aryan Brother!)
As for Miguel and Pepe, they never got married (both straight thank Dios) but met their true loves in a sleazy bar in downtown Chinatown L.A. called "Bordello for sore WAN-KIN-DIKS and BALLS!"